Trying for a Baby Part 8

Elsie37

So sorry T2D - massive massive hugs and love at this time xxx

tinkwings

time2deal wrote: »

Hey ladies,

Thanks for the hugs, I thought I would give a quick update as many of you have been with me on this journey for a long time.

OK - as a warning. This is not a happy post, and not really TTC anymore, so be ready! I know we are all just strangers on the internet, but I've shared so much (possibly too much!) on this thread, it does feel strange to simply disappear. Some people may feel this is inappropriate here, but I can't bring myself yet to walk away from you ladies here who have become a strangely large part of my life.

So.. some may know that I got a bad smear result a few weeks ago, while doing some routine tests prior to starting IVF. We had been trying for 2.5 years on and off - seriously for 1 year at least. With low SA and AMH it was the natural next step. I'm 36. I was due a smear anyway.

The result was severe dyskaryosis - which I knew nothing about. Things quickly progressed to a colposcopy, then a cone excision (it was actually a LLETZ in the end) and we got the results yesterday from the tissue that was removed. Apparently the abnormal cells were visible on all the margins, which moves me officially into a diagnosis of cervical cancer. Or whatever is takes to confirm the diagnoses, the appointment is a bit of a blur, but he was clear on the diagnosis. It's really hard to write... and is proving very hard to say as well.

FYI: http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Colposcopy.htm

It's been about 3-4 weeks since the initial smear, so it's been terrifyingly fast. We don't know how bad it is, and can't do a scan (MRI) for a few weeks as the lymph nodes will still be swollen from the op this week. That, plus a CAT scan and chest X-Ray, will find out if it's spread to the lymph nodes and/or into a nearby blood vessel it is very close to (or further). The next choices are each worse than each other - probable removal of the cervix, possibly womb, possibly radiation. They have allowed me to take the time for 1 quick cycle of IVF drugs to hopefully take a few eggs, to be fertilized and frozen - to hopefully get a chance to use in the future. It will only delay treatment by a few weeks, and will be my last chance, so I'm doing it.

I have always had regular smears, the last exactly three years ago, which came back normal. So all the stats say this is impossible, but it's where I am. I have always hated stats, and never really understood them. Things either happen or they don't.

We are heartbroken, and terrified, and still in shock. I'm a bit lost, and have told family, but we still don't have lots of answers to questions that people keep asking me. I'll post from time to time on the +12m thread, but not here as it's not really the right place (not that the +12m is), but thought I would let you know, and I'll still lurk. Next real step is the MRI and CAT scans on 31 December (delayed for a variety of reasons which are my choice), and then start IVF drugs asap. Plan is for operations and things in mid Jan. !!!!!!... it's insane.. and terrifying, and un-believable (as in, we simply can't believe it - you can't take it in), and just so heartbreaking... I'm fine and healthy and no symptoms.

Me being me, I'll probably set up a blog at some stage. It's easier than answering everyone's questions a thousand times. Especially when I don't know the answers, and can't seem to talk without tears. I'll put up a link for those that are interested. Just click thanks and I'll PM you if I do it. On the off chance anyone here can identify me in real life, please pretend you can't. Happy to answer what questions i can, but in reality we are just now waiting for tests, and starting (ironically) the pill next week.

Biggest Hugs Possible :A
Here for you whenever you need me / us please take care look after yourself and you are in my thoughts love & prayers xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

codemonkey

hugs t2d. Bad things happen to good people and it sucks. I actually have nothing helpful to say but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

becca0417

bigzippy wrote: »

Why would you cancel, Becca?

Im 2dpo & feeling positive, not sure if a scan would have any impact on things. I can reschedule & it wouldn't take long to get another appt, on a fresh cycle. plus I don't feel 100% & not sure I feel up to bring prodded about.

becca0417

T2d thank you for coming to update us, I would think that was not an easy thing to do but I have been thinking of you & will continue to do so

Take care of yourself , we are all here anytime. I will follow the 12m+ thread for updates x

apple*pie

T2D so sorry to hear your news. Will be thinking of you.
Wish where was something, anything I could say to help...
Xxxxxxxxx

maire1

T2d I'm so so sorry to hear your news. I had surmised from your recent posts that something like this was happening to you.

I am close to somebody else who went through it too. (She had embryos frozen as she needed an op, ended up deciding not to go down the ivf route in the end and adopted an absolutely wonderful child and is now a very happy mum!)

There must be so much going on in your mind right now.

Take care of yourself and I'm thinking of you x

bigzippy

becca0417 wrote: »

Im 2dpo & feeling positive, not sure if a scan would have any impact on things. I can reschedule & it wouldn't take long to get another appt, on a fresh cycle. plus I don't feel 100% & not sure I feel up to bring prodded about.

An internal scan would have absolutely no impact on any potential blossoming pregnancy, (especially at this stage where any embryo wood still be travelling down the tubes!). This is the same method of scanning that they use even with ivf cases/to check early pregnancy cases for ectopics/early heartbeats, etc etc.

It is, of course, down to what you feel is best for yourself, but in my experience:
A) there will never be a "good" time to get the scan/any other tests and there will always be a "reason" not to go ahead
the more you put things off, the more you kick yourself when/if something does turn out to be an issue. :cool:

If it's any help, I've had a few internal scans now and they're nowhere near as bad as you work yourself up about them being.

(p.s. I would consider taking a fresh pair of underwear so you can go to the loo after and get rid of the lube and put the clean pair on)

Mrs_T_M

T2D, sending you the biggest hugs imaginable. Reading your story has caused me to combat and overcome my fear of having a smear. I'm 27, have never had one before, and there has been cancer on both sides of my family. I don't "know" you, but my heart goes out to you and you and your family are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

becca0417

Thanks bz! I've had a couple before & know its not as bad as I'm making it out to be! I'm probably putting it off because if something is wrong, ignorance is bliss.