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Trying for a Baby Part 8

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  • fannyanna
    fannyanna Posts: 2,622 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    So I've not had the best weekend and this evening I found out one of my parents had been quite critical of my behavior (hiding away). This really, really hurt me and I've spent most of the evening bawling my eyes out. I ended up doing something that I've never done before and I wrote a letter as a response. It surprisingly made me feel a lot better. I won't actually share it with said parent but I did want to share it and I thought this might be a good place.

    You'll have to excuse me as I appreciate it gets a bit melodramatic in parts :D but I was really quite upset earlier and it's how I felt. Oh, and sorry as it's a bit of an essay. So here goes........

    In April 2011 we started trying for a baby. We were excited about what the future held and we had hope.

    19 months on and I no longer have any hope. For now, I am infertile. I lack the ability to ovulate (the most important ingredient of conception). I am grieving. I am grieving for the baby that I may never have. I can’t even begin to describe the emotional pain I feel when I hit my lows (the depression, the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the hopelessness).

    My best friend has just had a baby. I’ve been trying for a baby before she even got married. I am happy for her. In fact, I love that little baby and look forward to being his cool auntie Fannyanna. But sometimes my emotions and my grief get the best of me and I feel such a sense of injustice. I’ve been trying for a baby longer than she’s been married and sometimes it just feels so unfair.

    There are then times that I have to deal with my fears. I fear hearing another pregnancy announcement. The effort involved in putting a smile on my face and passing on my congratulations when how I really feel is like I’ve had the wind kicked out of me. Now I strongly suspect that my sister in law is trying for a baby. I’ve heard her make a few comments and it’s clear that they are still in the stage where everything is new and exciting. They are in my “April 2011” and they have the hope that I no longer have.

    So that is my grief. That is my big open wound. I manage to keep a plaster on it most of the time but occasionally it (and I) becomes unstuck and my grief floods out like blood.

    My plaster became unstuck this weekend. Out of nowhere it became unstuck and my grief came pouring out. I have a big open wound and I’m struggling to stick a plaster back on it.

    But as if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve also had some salt rubbed into the wound. And it stings!

    My husband already has children. Children that were never planned. There was no heartache involved in conceiving them. There was no effort. They just happened. It’s a fact and a fact that I am aware of. Sometimes when I have my bad days I really struggle with this fact. It’s my salt!

    My grief is hard enough to handle at the best of times. I can’t handle the salt too. So sometimes I need to take a step back, wash the salt off and try to stick a plaster back on. Am I really such a bad person for needing some space to lick my wounds in order to get a plaster to stick again?

    If I could just ask one thing of my nearest and dearest it would be the following…..please don’t judge me. I appreciate that you may struggle to understand my feelings and my actions. But my heart is already broken and it doesn’t have the capacity for anymore pain.
  • amyloofoo
    amyloofoo Posts: 1,804 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    MV - Loving the name Dave for a kitty! DH has always said that if we get a puppy then we have to call him Mr. Dog... :rotfl:

    Abis - Please let me know if you're ever doing a craft fair in my ends (Leeds or Leicester way) :) That display is gorgous and I can see about a million things I waaaant! Eddie is absolutely gorgeous too, and *big hugs* for due date :o I can't help thinking of Eddies as being like Meatloaf's character in the Rocky Horror Show though... maybe you should get him a motorbike and a tiny leather jacket? :rotfl:You're doing a brilliant job of updating the lists, btw.

    Courgette - Everyone will be as pleased and jealous for your BFP as we are for everyone elses! Please feel free to officially join and share the good news with us as well as the struggles :)

    Becca - Really hope the doc's able to give you good news :o Please share with us if it's a BFP! :D

    Lemon - Congrats on being brave and going back to work. I'm glad that some of your workfriends were kind, even if your boss is a bit of a cowbag :o Your cinnamon toffee apples sound nommy, hope they added to the Homeland experience!

    QQ - Not sure if you're lurking, but we're all thinking of you and would appreciate knowing how you are. Hope things are better and DH is now in a more communicative mood :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: The thread's just not the same without you.

    BeautyButterfly and chloelouise1986: We need to invent that 'choose your due date' button! Would make life planning so much easier :rotfl:

    onlywayisup - Big hugs for your return, hope you have only good things from here on out and that you'll soon be over on the pg threads :)

    Pomme - Aww, hope AF stays away and you get your BFP soon.

    BigZippy - Fingers crossed that there'll be no need for any more Clomid... your post made me have a little chuckle, but also a sympathy twinge :o

    AFM - I'm thinking of going back to uni and getting my midwifery degree, but unfortunately I've left it so long since my past (non OU) study that I'd now need to do the full 3 years... don't know if I can really afford to be without a full wage for that amount of time and the bursary's truly miniscule! I was planning to use my OU study to train as a social worker, but I worked during a removal of child following birth the other day and it was hideous, I just couldn't do it. I was only there as a maternity support worker so didn't have an active role as such, but even so I cried for about an hour afterwards :o

    Still no sign of AF (and I'm definitely not pg so no point POAS). Going to try to get a doctor's appointment for Thursday and see what they recommend, but it will probably be just more waiting. It's really frustrating because now I'm not sure what to do about studying - ideally I'd like to take maternity leave whilst still working full time and not worrying about uni work whilst I'm off, but obviously the longer I leave going back to uni the later I'll qualify :o Wish I could just choose a date to get pregnant!
  • amyloofoo
    amyloofoo Posts: 1,804 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    fannyanna wrote: »

    But as if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve also had some salt rubbed into the wound. And it stings!

    My husband already has children. Children that were never planned. There was no heartache involved in conceiving them. There was no effort. They just happened. It’s a fact and a fact that I am aware of. Sometimes when I have my bad days I really struggle with this fact. It’s my salt!

    My grief is hard enough to handle at the best of times. I can’t handle the salt too. So sometimes I need to take a step back, wash the salt off and try to stick a plaster back on. Am I really such a bad person for needing some space to lick my wounds in order to get a plaster to stick again?

    If I could just ask one thing of my nearest and dearest it would be the following…..please don’t judge me. I appreciate that you may struggle to understand my feelings and my actions. But my heart is already broken and it doesn’t have the capacity for anymore pain.

    Oh fannyanna hun, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

    Maybe you should share it with them? It's not melodramatic at all and it could be really helpful for them to know how you feel. If they don't understand then they can't be supportive or sensitive... I know it's sometimes hard to share but it might be the best thing for all of you :grouphug:
  • Fannyanna - So sorry you are feeling so wounded. I am with Amy I think you should probably share the letter. People can't help or support you if they don't know you are in need of it.

    Abis - Your display is lovely. I hope more people turn up to the next fair. I'm sure business will pick up as we get closer to December.

    afm. I have another day 21 blood test tomorrow morning but am pretty certain that I still haven't Ov'd. No temp rise and as per usual no positive opk........ But on the other hand I have lost 2kg since starting metformin:D
  • Really low pma today. I'm laying in bed and all i can hear is next door neighbour's baby crying. How to kick a woman when she's down!
    Don't worry about typing out my username - Call me COMP
    (Unless you know my real name - in which case, feel free to use that just to confuse people!)
  • amyloofoo
    amyloofoo Posts: 1,804 Forumite
    Debt-free and Proud!
    Congrats on the weight loss firefly, that's really impressive and hopefully will make the TTC journey easier (and shorter!) for you.

    COMP - big-enormous-giant dodgy hugs :grouphug:
  • atton83
    atton83 Posts: 604 Forumite
    Hi guys

    Im sorry i have been missing in action but i have had the worst weekend ever!!!

    I had just got a new phone. An upgrade it was the samsung galaxy note 2 i say was as i went out on sat to get stuff for his due project on tuesday. I tried to pull my jeans up and my phone which my dh had told me to remove out of my back pocket into a pocket in my dress. Yep you gessedit it fell out of my pocket hit the pavement and smashed the screen. So its back to my old phone i'm gutted.
    Dh says its one more thing for me to get depressed about so we then argued.
    I tried to put the sunvisor back as it had started to rain it promptly comes away which part of its design on the right side and promptly hits me in the head i bat it away oh shouts at me somemore. By this point i'm in tears and o2 inform me to go to the o2 store closest to me to get the phone sent away for a quote to fix it. I get there to be told we only opened from a refit today anno they can't help me. Oh then goes to vodaphine for a free sim to set up his old phone
    One for his dad for xmas. No the sim card is not free you have to put £5 on it.
    I don't want credit i just want to set up the phone that dad canuse his sim card in.
    We go to a local art shop for foam board for dh i go into the pot in the car for change for parking but there is nothing left. I close said pot only to close it hard on my finger.

    So felt like i can't have a kid or a nice new phone and that i am bring punished for something.

    Then tonight is my submission day for my assignment but wait nope not allowed no link for turnitin what the hell do i do. Bearing in mind i have been emailing my lecturer all week n receiving no replies. Also bear in mind i have been signed off for 2 weeks now. So this assignment has really stressed me out.
    I feel such a failure and know this assignment will be a fail as ive not been there due to being ill.

    I'm 8 dpo and i am being sick n suffering with dioherria
    After a really bad virus
    Really pulled myself down. Feel worthless nd gettin back into my old mindset of sh for being a failure and barren

    Hugs to everyone xxxxxx
  • Elsie37
    Elsie37 Posts: 233 Forumite
    There are a lot of hugs needed at the moment.

    Ive had a pretty emotional weekend, ended up breaking down in tears to OH about ttc. It's all getting abit too much for me and I'm so frustrated and convinced something is wrong with me. Everywhere I go I see babies or pregnancy which is so hard. Think I need to take a step back as it was taking over my life.

    Soooo onwards and upwards to next month and a more chilled out approach - altho an xmas bfp would be amazing!!:)
  • Goodness me, my mother was right about November being a miserable old month. I don't think I can remember this thread being so sad and down, and I've been a part of it for over 3 years on and off :(

    Fannyanna - your post is succinct and I think a lot of us can see exactly where you are coming from. This is such a tough journey, and we all embark on it with a sense of excitement and nervousness at the thought of becoming parents, and often it takes so much longer than we think it will, or there are hurdles and heartaches on the way. Throw into the mix friends/family/colleagues around us seemingly getting pregnant at the drop of a hat (another flucking FB announcement for me last night..I had to hide the girl from my news feed immediately, and it brought me crashing back down again with a thump).

    I am so sorry that your family are being insensitive. Like I have said many times, I don't think people have a clue what it is like if they haven't struggled with this. I have given up speaking to anyone in RL about it, apart from my OH, and he doesn't really 'get it' either to be honest.

    This thread is a good place, so feel free to say whatever on here as we all understand hon x

    Atton - sorry about your phone. How gutting.

    Massive hugs for Elsie and comp, and everyone actually. There's been little genuine joy of late.

    AFM - I've phoned in sick this morning. Hardly had any sleep again last night and woke up feeling sick and dizzy. No way was I going to drive to my office on the motorways this morning. I have very little motivation for much right now, and will probably spend the day moping and hiding away from the world.
    Metranil dreams of becoming a neon,
    You don't even take him seriously,
    How am I going to get to heaven?,
    When I'm just balanced so precariously..
  • Hi to all, only just found this page and thought id comment, been reading through a fair few pages this morning and thought i would try to join the chat a little, myself and my bf have been ttc for a year, currently 7dpo and experiencing that which we all long for but wondering if it is all just in my head because i want it so bad, breasts are incredibly sore, feeling nauseous, bloated and exhausted. now theres just the wait till i can actually test, next few days are gunna kill me.
    I best get going as work calls unfortunatly but I look forward to hopefully chatting some more soon x
    Started comping again....Oct wins already!:£250 philosophy goody bag, £50 itunes voucher, £30 amazon voucher.....why did i ever stop!
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