Family Wedding abroad, what would you do?

Bufger

I'm in a suprisingly similar situation at the moment

My brother decided to get married in Vegas next Feb. They gave everyone a year and a half notice which is all good and very thoughtful. We have a 20 month old and a 2 week old and he wants the eldest to be a page boy and i'm best man. The issue is we bought a house, got married and had 2 kids all within 3 years so financially we're trying to recover somewhat!

I also didnt want to take a 2 year old on a 14 hour flight. My son wouldnt remember it, wouldnt enjoy it (he likes his toys, the park, his little friends none of which would be there) and we wouldnt be able to afford to take my wife or our second son and more importantly she doesnt want to take 2 little kids that distance.

Anyway my mother was pretty adament we should go. She offered to pay for my son and said the family would take it in turns looking after him etc. I just cant split up my boys from their mum like that over such a long distance and my wife didnt want that either. My mum at one point even said I was selfish for not letting my son go because my brother wants him to be there!

The comprimise is that i'm going alone. I do want to be there and financially i'll take the hit because its my bro and I love him and want to support him. I have argued the case about the kids and my MIL is going to stay at ours that week and help my wife.

There is always a comprimise and although you will be made to feel guilty you have to do what is best for your immediate family and then try to please everyone else. If you cant afford it then thats it, done. I've had to have a good scrimp and save to enable me to go but thats my informed decision and me and my wife agree on the decision made.

Hope this helps!

lazer

euronorris wrote: »

Are you kidding? 600-800 quid? No. One way, maybe. But return, no. Try 1200 minimum (usually), but depending on time of year and any events that may be happening in either country, that can go much, much higher! Oh, and then there will be accomodation costs, food, drink etc.

I have a friend who lives there, and she came back in March for a visit with her OH. Their flights cost them 3k (sterling). Then his grandad died last month and he was desparate to attend the funeral, only the prices had gone up due to the impending Olympics - 2k return for just him!

I don't see why they should have to postpone their dream, just to attend a one day event. For all we know, they could be waiting to get the house sorted before trying for a family. Should they put off that dream too, just for this wedding? Especially considering that there will be a celebration in the UK too? And they could live stream with a webcam as someone suggested?

I just checked an example flight - leaving 9 November, returning 16th November - £773 return London to Sydney. I assume they can stay with the sister when there, so keeps costs low. It can be as expensive as you want to make it after the flights, r as cheap as you are willing to do it.

So depending on the date of the wedding flights should not be that expensive unless booked last minute.

No - I don't believe anyone should postpone starting a family if that is what they want - but that can be done with or without a house.

If it was a friend or a cousin, I would suggest you say no and do not attend if you cannot afford it, but for a sibling wedding, I think you should try everything possible to go, for both your sibling and for your parents.

pinkclouds

lazer wrote: »

Why is it a bit sad if the wedding is the most important day of your life?
What should be in your opinion (Other than Children - which not everyone wants)?

In my opinion, all the days of my life are important. When I run out of them, I'll die.

There is nothing cheap about flying halfway around the world. We don't know how poor/rich the OP is. A few hundred pounds may be a huge deal to them. Or not.

euronorris

lazer wrote: »

I just checked an example flight - leaving 9 November, returning 16th November - £773 return London to Sydney. I assume they can stay with the sister when there, so keeps costs low. It can be as expensive as you want to make it after the flights, r as cheap as you are willing to do it.

So depending on the date of the wedding flights should not be that expensive unless booked last minute.

No - I don't believe anyone should postpone starting a family if that is what they want - but that can be done with or without a house.

If it was a friend or a cousin, I would suggest you say no and do not attend if you cannot afford it, but for a sibling wedding, I think you should try everything possible to go, for both your sibling and for your parents.

They *might* be that cheap, they *might* be very expensive. We know from the OP that they have already looked and the flights appear to be 1200 quid.

Why should they have to change their life plans to attend a wedding? That is what you're suggesting if they have to postpone the house buying, but want to continue ahead with trying for a baby. IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT TO DO - I'm just speculating here, and following it through a bit to show you how these expectations can be very, very unfair. It's like saying 'But my wedding day is more important that your life plans.' and that is just not on IMO.

I disagree with your last point. OH and I will be getting married in the UK for this very reason. Heck, you can return flights from UK to Amsterdam for 100-150 quid, but I have 4 siblings, all married with kids, mortgages so I know full well if we got married here that most of them would not be able to attend. And I wouldn't expect them to. And if my parents put pressure on them about it, I'd be really p*ssed off to be honest.

It's one day. Sure, it's lovely to have all your friends and family there, but it's not the end of the world if they aren't.

gadgeteer_2

The question i think you need to answer is if this was your own sister and not your partners, would you reach the same opinion.

If so then politely decline.

cottonhead

I got married abroad and didnt send any official invites at all. 1 was because we wanted a low key initmate ceremoney and the other becauase I didnt want to make people feel uncomfortable not being able to attend due to cost or work commitments. We then had a little gathering back in the UK. It was perfect for all concerned. So what I am trying to say is hopefully the bride and groom and their parents will be equally understanding and so long as you send your good wishes and attend the UK party no probs. After all you cant get much further away than Australia so it would be rather harsh if they took it personally.

gingin_2

I've missed 2 big weddings, Christmas-time weddings in Australia and New Zealand, almost £5k in flights for a family of four. I regret missing my best friend's but not my brother's just because I am closer to her but you can send warm sentiments by post, phone and email and if they know and care about you enough, they will understand.

We call my husband a stubbourn old goat. He was under such pressure to attend his sister's wedding in New Zealand that he took the monday off work and flew out on a friday evening and got home on the monday (I'd just had a baby and was not well at all). He spent less than 7 hours in New Zealand, had a taxi waiting for after the wedding speeches and came back home. I often wonder if that might be some record. It was definitely his way of making a point.

lazer

euronorris wrote: »

They *might* be that cheap, they *might* be very expensive. We know from the OP that they have already looked and the flights appear to be 1200 quid.

Why should they have to change their life plans to attend a wedding? That is what you're suggesting if they have to postpone the house buying, but want to continue ahead with trying for a baby. IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT TO DO - I'm just speculating here, and following it through a bit to show you how these expectations can be very, very unfair. It's like saying 'But my wedding day is more important that your life plans.' and that is just not on IMO.

I disagree with your last point. OH and I will be getting married in the UK for this very reason. Heck, you can return flights from UK to Amsterdam for 100-150 quid, but I have 4 siblings, all married with kids, mortgages so I know full well if we got married here that most of them would not be able to attend. And I wouldn't expect them to. And if my parents put pressure on them about it, I'd be really p*ssed off to be honest.

It's one day. Sure, it's lovely to have all your friends and family there, but it's not the end of the world if they aren't.

It probably depends on how important marriage is to you and your family. I am still old fashioned and do not live with my fiance so marriage is the start of our lives together.
I wouldn't miss my only brothers wedding for anything (and he lives abroad). He will be coming home to attend my wedding too.

I am not suggesting they change their life plans, just postpone them or alternatively find a way of making the extra money to pay for the flights.

IMO it is unfair on those around you, if you have money save plans for x,y or z, and do therefore do not attend important celebrations of them, that you can afford. It is different if you do not ahve the money in the first place, are in debt etc, but if you have the money, I think you should make an effort to be there and support family and friends.

The value of family and friends outweighs the value of money in my opinion.

The OP can make her own decision, based on what is right for them.

euronorris

lazer wrote: »

It probably depends on how important marriage is to you and your family. I am still old fashioned and do not live with my fiance so marriage is the start of our lives together.
I wouldn't miss my only brothers wedding for anything (and he lives abroad). He will be coming home to attend my wedding too.

I am not suggesting they change their life plans, just postpone them or alternatively find a way of making the extra money to pay for the flights.

IMO it is unfair on those around you, if you have money save plans for x,y or z, and do therefore do not attend important celebrations of them, that you can afford. It is different if you do not ahve the money in the first place, are in debt etc, but if you have the money, I think you should make an effort to be there and support family and friends.

The value of family and friends outweighs the value of money in my opinion.

The OP can make her own decision, based on what is right for them.

Marriage is also important to me and my family. I attended my brothers wedding in the UK, not long after moving abroad, but that was much cheaper and it didn't delay any important, big things in either mine or my OH's life.

Personally, I think it's really unfair to expect anyone to change/postpone their life plans just to attend a wedding.

pollypenny

lazer wrote: »

Why is it a bit sad if the wedding is the most important day of your life?
What should be in your opinion (Other than Children - which not everyone wants)?

I'm one of the old-fashioned ones, who thinks the marriage is more important than one day, as nice as it can be.

Other really important days - birth of each child, degree results - made a huge difference to whole family, first teaching appointment, promotion etc.

Could go on.