Family Wedding abroad, what would you do?

koneko

My partners sister has recently got engaged and set her wedding date, unfortunately she lives in Australia with her partner and has decided to get married there. She and his parents have made it clear that we are expected to attend, however we have been saving up to buy a house and can't see how we can afford to go all that way without putting our house plans seriously off track. On top of this Australia is somewhere neither of us have ever wanted to go, a few friends have suggested turning it into a 'holiday of a lifetime', but the idea really doesn't appeal and it seems like such a lot of money!

She will have a celebration in the UK later in the year, although it won't be a proper 'wedding', so my argument is that we don't go, but attend the UK celebration. This is my partners preferred option, but he says that he doesn't feel that he has any choice in the matter, and now I'm starting to feel the same. What would you do? Obviously we don't want to cause a rift in the family, but this is money we simply can't afford (flights alone appear to be around £1200!).

GobbledyGook

Wedding invitations are just that - an invitation. I would just say that you cannot afford it. People who choose to get married abroad should accept that doing so means that people may not be able to afford, or wish to scrimp and save/sacrafice other things, to attend. It's blimming rude of them to 'make clear' that they expect you to go. If you are making clear you expect people to attend then you should be making clear that you intend to pay for it (and even then it's still rude!).

Torry_Quine

You absolutely have a choice. It's unfortunate that the wedding is so far away but if you don't want to go for financial or any other reason then I would say don't go. I would hope that she would understand and accept that it's a lot to ask.

CH27

Decide together what you want to do & then stick to your guns. They cannot force you to go & if you both present a united front they won't be able to wheedle or guilt trip one of you.
An invitation is an invitation to attend not an order to attend.

Yorkie1

When my cousin got married in Australia to an Ozzie lass, my mum and dad were of course invited.

Dad went but Mum didn't - she didn't want to go, and it was likely to aggravate her on-off back problems.

Could your OH go but not you, by way of compromise, if you wanted to do it that way?

caeler

I went to a friends wedding in Australia and combined it with a holiday in a lifetime and it was a fabulous trip and I had a great time! However it was a serious amount of money (although if you don't want to stay in 5* hotels the whole time you can do it on a budget and still enjoy, we did hostels).

However, this is just an invitation as others have said and you do have a choice. Unless they offer to fly you out then I think if you can't afford it but will go to the UK ceremony it will be fine. I'm sure she will be upset and likely to give you a hard time in the short term, so might other members of the family. Stick to your guns!

You might consider doing something for their wedding day, I don't know quite what, a surprise of some kind, something being delivered for them, I just don't know but so it shows your thinking of them and your sorry you can't be there.

koneko

Thanks for your replies everyone. Interestingly I think she would be fine with it if we didn't go, his parents are the problem really, right from the start, they have just assumed we will be going, without actually asking us if we can afford to etc. My partner agrees with me, but is having trouble finding a way to explain this to his parents. His mum took it badly when she found out about the engagement and the fact that his sister would be staying out there permanently.

Yorkie1 - My partner could go on his own, but I don't think he'd really want to as its still a lot of money, and I think I'd then be seen as the bad guy, which I don't want at all as I usually get on pretty well with his family.

caeler, I love the idea of doing something special for the wedding, I can't think of what off the top of my head, but I'm sure we could come up with something good - thanks

My other (not terribly nice, but probably sensible) concern, is that if we have to go, we have to book flights a year in advance to get decent rates, what happens if they split up (they haven't even been together a year yet)?

claire16c

koneko wrote: »

Thanks for your replies everyone. Interestingly I think she would be fine with it if we didn't go, his parents are the problem really, right from the start, they have just assumed we will be going, without actually asking us if we can afford to etc. My partner agrees with me, but is having trouble finding a way to explain this to his parents. His mum took it badly when she found out about the engagement and the fact that his sister would be staying out there permanently.

Yorkie1 - My partner could go on his own, but I don't think he'd really want to as its still a lot of money, and I think I'd then be seen as the bad guy, which I don't want at all as I usually get on pretty well with his family.

caeler, I love the idea of doing something special for the wedding, I can't think of what off the top of my head, but I'm sure we could come up with something good - thanks

My other (not terribly nice, but probably sensible) concern, is that if we have to go, we have to book flights a year in advance to get decent rates, what happens if they split up (they haven't even been together a year yet)?

Well its definitely not unknown for engaged couples to split up and under a year isnt long so in that case if you did book the flights, I guess youd have to look at it as more of a holiday with hopefully a wedding on the one day in the middle of it, and arrange your plans around it so that if the wedding didnt go ahead, it wouldnt mess up your holiday. Is the wedding in a part of Australia with stuff to see tourist wise?

Has your partner told his parents you cant really afford it? And he was thinking of going by himself? I wonder what their reaction would be. Do you think they would help pay for you if its more them than the bride who is concerned about you going? Because if not, then I dont think they can hardly complain about only your OH going, if that were to happen.

Australia is a great place to visit Ive been there a few times and there is still tons I havent seen there its such a huge place with so many varied landscapes and things to do. I would definitely recommend going if you are able. You should be able to get flights cheaper than £1200 depending on who you fly with and no. of connections etc. Unless they decide to get married in early January or something!

pinkclouds

koneko wrote: »

this is money we simply can't afford (flights alone appear to be around £1200!).

If you can't afford it, politely decline as early as possible.

If any close relatives offer to pay for your attendance (ALL relevant costs, that you cannot afford) then you should accept the money, as it is the wedding of a close relative, and duly attend the event.

I see no other reasonable options. Getting into debt is not an option.

The bridal couple are obviously expecting that many UK guests will have to decline their invitations or they wouldn't feel the urge to lay on a UK post-wedding celebration. Attend that. If you can afford it.

*Louise*

I hate when family just assumes that something will happen just because they think it should and people are guilt tripped into going along with it, even if it means scuppering their own life plans.

The two of you need to present a united front (don't leave your OH to tell them himself, be at his side and do it together. It's harder for them to argue agains two people sticking to their guns)

You are both adults and need to be allowed to make your own decisions in life.

Tell them as soon as possible that you can't afford it and you don't intend to go. It's all very well making it the holiday of a lifetime but it's not a holiday YOU want at this point in your life. Therefore it would just be a debt of a lifetime. And when I say thell 'them'...I mean the sister. It's her and her partners wedding so they are the people you shoudl be explaning to and suggesting you do something nice for them when they are next over

Good luck!

meritaten

hun - why should you put off buying your home to attend a wedding? This is your life and as they are having a UK 'celebration' then attend that. your presence at the Aussie wedding isnt mandatory. yes you want to be there and they would like you there - but is it really worth putting off buying your future home? what if there was another boom in house prices? and you couldnt afford to buy? would you say 'it was worth it for one day in Australia to watch a wedding'?