Taking one step at a time-after death, before birth

please-let-me-be-lucky

kavics17 wrote: »

Saw a friend at lunch time and told him I have decided on my girl's name but not sharing it with anyone till after birth. This is a name I always liked and it goes well with his surname (baby is getting her daddy's surname, they both deserve it).

That's lovely, he'd be delighted I'm sure. Hope you are ok Xx

Dinah93

Have you considered changing your surname by deed poll to be the same as your little girls and L's? I don't know if it'd be too painful to write his name everyday, or if you'd find it healing in a small way to be the family together you'd both planned for x

kavics17

It was never the plan to take up his name so no, I think I will stick with mine. I am not bothered about the difficulties of having different surnames, I know many people would be.

Work was good today but very tiring. I got my Matb1 forms from midwife so will give them to bosses tmrw. I got a bargain sleeping bag from charity shop, a brand new mothercare one for £3.

kavics17

August is an expensive month, I pretty much overspent. But I had the funding and at least Xmas is nearly sorted and baby can arrive anytime. I need to buy a couple of more things but they are all budgeted for.

Work is busy, I dont really mind though.

I booked pregnancy yoga for sat, my local hospital organises it, also booked a pregnancy massage using a voucher I got for last Xmas. So weekend seems busy too.

bossymoo

Hi,

I've not come across you on mse before, but stumbled upon your thread. I wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I also lost my husband, nearly nine months ago after a sudden illness. I wasn't pregnant, but do have 2 kiddies who were under 3 at the time.

There is a lot of support online, have you tried the merry widow site? It was set up some years ago by another young widow. There is a message board, and I found in the early days, it helped to know I wasn't crazy in how I was feeling. There is also a Facebook group, if you use fb.

A few months ago I also joined the way foundation. This has also been invaluable in 'normalising' my situation. And it doesn't matter that you weren't yet married.

It is hard, and I do have low days, but I find I bounce back from them sooner than I did maybe six months ago.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, I can identify with some of your feelings. If ever you want to chat, feel free to pm me. This kind of thing can knock you for six, thinking your life is mapped out for ever, I think I grieve for mine and my children's future, as well as grieving for the man I loved, and father of my babies.

Best wishes
X

kavics17

Thank you Bossymoo, I will pm you over the weekend.

Changes at work, I'm glad I already submitted my MATB1 form and that I'm over the qualifying week for mat pay. Don't want to say more until I have confirmation but at the moment it looks a bit shaky.

My bank account balance is quite ok at the moment although I still have to pay for some things. I need to make a budget this weekend to see what is happening. The painting is still not finished, maybe by next weekend. Not really good as I need to sort things out and I can't access anything.

Busy day today with pregnancy yoga and massage. Which is good as I'm already mega emotional, just catching up with the Olympic closing ceremony with tears in my eyes.

kavics17

I'm so so tired, work is draining me. My role is changing and this time it's a good change, less responsibilities before mat leave.

Feel so emotional most of the time, especially while commuting, just miss him so much. I wish to turn the time back and relive the last 8 years, wouldn't do anything differently just enjoy the time with him. I'm heart broken for my little girl for not knowing her daddy, he would have been a great dad.

Money wise can't wait for the month to finish , I just want to do a new budget but can't until I know how much I will have left. I have nearly finished getting ready for baby, only have to buy one or two more things. She is such a budget baby but I'm happy to have her.

jwil

Glad the work change is a good one.

I can only imagine how you are feeling, and guess the reality is much harder than even that. I do admire how you've coped so well (even if you don't think you have) and your little girl with be able to take comfort in the fact that she has a strong mummy and that she was a very much wanted and loved child by her daddy as well.

kavics17

Thanks Jwil. I miss him so much but unfortunately nothing will bring him back .

I'm mega excited today as won a baby bouncer on ebay for £2.70. It's brand new apparently and although I need to go and pick it up (should cost about £4), it's still a bargain. My baby shopping list is getting shorter and shorter, nearly done! Spent so far £126 on my little girl and that includes my breast pump (worth £110) and tens machine (worth £60), I'm pretty confident I will be able to re-sell them and even make a profit later on.

I am also excited, stupidly I know, that there is a drop off point for a courier company just opposite my house, so now I can put bigger items on ebay without the hussle to go to the post office or waiting for courier. So more ebaying coming.

kavics17

Aghh, one of my orders got cancelled so I can't sort out baby's nursery for another 3 weeks. I so wanted to get over it...

Better day today, haven't cried at all. Though tmrw will be hard, it's been 3 months:(. I miss him every day, every minute, I so wish I could feel him around me...