Offended by cash request

stir_crazy

Errata wrote: »

Clearly some Bridezillas have never heard the phrase "I want never gets".

This obviously isnt the case for most couples (I have heard some horror stories where the bride and groom are counting up donations, etc. But they dont deserve friends at all).

Your guests (in the majority) are going to turn up with a gift even if you tell them not to. Instead of getting me something that will either be duplicated or not to my taste (so wont be used), my guests are asking me what we will use. Which is money, as I need to decorate my house, but I have all the furniture/ ornaments/ kitchen utensils that I will ever need. If guests choose to give me money, thats great, if they choose to give me a towel, thats great too. And if they choose to give me nothing, that's up to them. I'm not imposing some sort of rule that "this is what you will give me", I'm giving guidance to the people who are unsure of what to get us.

westiea

These are increasingly popular and I know from an Aussie friend its pretty much standard practice there!

On ebay for £8!

Almo

I read a (to me) really nice idea a few months ago. A couple asked for wine for their presents (if people wanted to give anything). They asked their guests to put a label on it with the names of the gift givers and said words to the effect of a bottle for normal Friday drinking would be just as gladly received as a posh bottle for special occasions. The idea was that each time the couple opened a bottle they would look at who had given it and raise a glass to them. I thought it was a lovely idea - and probably far more likely to be drunk that champagne.

noodles86

Wow five pages!!! To add my tuppence! When we got married we had been living together and had a three year old so definitely didn't need anything for the house so on our wedding website we put a lovely tacky :rotfl: poem saying we have all we need and appreciate your presence rather than your presents however if you do wish to give us anything then a contribution towards our honeymoon would be appreciated. This was our first holiday without our daughter, to Yorkshire for five days so nothing overly fancy just some extra pennies to send on niceties would be appreciated. And people like our parents especially were very generous but other people (we have a lot of student friends) gave nothing than their presence which was also appreciated and we thought nothing less of anyone.

We also received a lot of naff wedding gifts i.e frames (at least 5), mr & mrs stuff etc which went to the charity shop after a while. I am aware that sounds totally ungrateful and we did keep them for a while but its just not us!

We have also never been to a wedding where cash wasn't requested and I prefer it to having to buy a gift! For close friends or family we normally give £30-£50 because thats what we can afford. Although the latest wedding we went to cost us a small fortune and I weren't going to give anything at all (which wouldnt have bothered me!) but I saw a small gift which I know they would appreciate so did get them a little something. But as previously said if people get offended by not giving or not giving enough - they're not worth knowing!

LEJC

Can I ask a question here,linked to the cash request...and I hope the OP doesnt mind a slight highjack or deviation of the thread but...

If as a bride and groom you request cash for (insert whatever here) and your cash amount is exceeded by a large amount,ie much more than you were expecting,would you then make a list of items you needed or use the money another way?....and if you were going to use the extra money another way would you confess to your guest or just thank them for contributing to (whatever)?

I'm asking the question partly on the back of Catherine's response earlier regarding the lovely photo album she wants to be able to enhance....I think its a beautiful idea and an exceptionally special gift but I just wonder what happens when your guests have created the "perfect" reminder of your day or will there never be too many photos of the day....and its ok to admit that thats the case!....or

basically when does the honeymoon become so packed with "experiences and special meals out" that you just say enough is enough and actually i'd rather spend the money on something else...or even paying off some of the last wedding associated bills.

noodles86

LEJC wrote: »

Can I ask a question here,linked to the cash request...and I hope the OP doesnt mind a slight highjack or deviation of the thread but...

If as a bride and groom you request cash for (insert whatever here) and your cash amount is exceeded by a large amount,ie much more than you were expecting,would you then make a list of items you needed or use the money another way?....and if you were going to use the extra money another way would you confess to your guest or just thank them for contributing to (whatever)?

I'm asking the question partly on the back of Catherine's response earlier regarding the lovely photo album she wants to be able to enhance....I think its a beautiful idea and an exceptionally special gift but I just wonder what happens when your guests have created the "perfect" reminder of your dayor will there never be too many photos of the day....and its ok to admit that thats the case!

I would use the money in another way like maybe a few dinner dates after the wedding things we would do as a couple. Or maybe if funds towards furniture I think I would upgrade to better furniture! Good question though! As we were unsure who had given what exactly we just sent out thank you cards thanking them for coming and their contribution to our wedding. I think it would be hard to exactly pin point whose money got spent on what if you get what I mean?

jtr2803

I've given this a bit of thought over the past few days, perhaps because my mum has started badgering me over what we would like as a gift, she is one who will not take NO for an answer.

I guess it was almost by chance but I have been trying to arrange something a little different and special for our honeymoon when I came across the perfect solution. There is an island not far from the one we are staying at and they have a coral regeneration/propagation programme (for those who don't know the Maldives suffered massively in 1998 when ocean temperatures soared and a lot of the reefs were killed), I contacted them about visiting for the day so that we could see the programme.

A big part of it is that guests can build and sponsor their own artifical reef structure that is 'planted' around the island and the team there take pictures of it's progress and upload them to the website for you to see . The Maldives is a very special place for us, this way we know we are giving something back to a place that has brought us so much happiness, and it means we will have our own piece of the Maldives forever. We would rather do this then just have 'spending' money and it means we can share its progress with those who did contribute.

We still won't be 'asking' for donations but if anyone approaches us about a gift and is insistent then we will be showing them the project and explaining what it means to us to be able to sponsor a reef.

fawny

We didn't put anything about gifts in our invites as we don't need anything & the fact that we are getting married abroad we know it has cost people a lot of money to come. Since then we have been asked by nearly everyone who is coming & people who can't what we want. We have said nothing several times but have now said that we need new sofa(which we do) so if they feel they want to give us a gift then money would be good so we can put it towards that & then we will always remember what people got us. I don't for one minute think we will get more than we need for the sofas, we might get enough for one but not two, but if we did then we could do with a new lounge carpet so it would go towards that & yes I would be honest & say where it had gone.

OH niece got married last year & was asking for money to pay for the honeymoon so OH asked his sister(her Mum) if they needed the cash before the wedding day to book & pay for it, she said no we have subbed them the money & they will pay us back. We have since found out that her Mum decided to fully pay for the honeymoon & didn't take the money back but we have no idea where it went & tbh that bugs me a bit. So I will make sure I thank everyone properly & tell them where it has gone.

LEJC

I understand your situation completely Fawny...the complexities and expense of guests travelling with you and all that,so its going to be great if you hopefully get your sofa or even two,but as you say the fact that they have really travelled with you will be present enough....

What I do think happens with a lot of people,myself included is that they do actually underestimate the true generosity of their guests...I married back in the times of wedding lists and before cash gifts....and didnt live together beforehand...we had bought the house but hadnt really furnished it that much...and in the absence of computers and online wedding lists I compiled what I thought was an acceptable booklet of things that would be very welcomed as gifts,thinking that whatever we ended up getting would be very much needed....I chose a wide range of things some very cheap and yes a few that were perhaps even a little near what I consider the top end of peoples budgets to be.
I had 56 day guests and about 250 evening ones so it wasnt a small wedding and I certainly didnt expect anything lavish from anyone least of all evening guests...I think there were something like 150 pages in the book each page detailing one item and offering suggestions of where it could be purchased,I gave the book out to people only when asked for it and polotely asked them to remove the page corresponding to their chosen gift and return the book afterwards....our thoughts were that if we end then subsequently needed to buy lots of things after the wedding we would priortise them and buy them as we could afford them using the book as a guide to what we needed

Our book was returned with only 4 or 5 pages remaining...our guests has completely blown us away by their generosity....and I think thats the point im possibly trying to make is that potentially lots of the brides and grooms here will receive more than they expect....and it is quite a humbling experience to think that you mean so much to those around you....

sweetilemon

We didn't ask for anything, I wouldn't have been comfortable. However many people gave us extra spends for the holiday. As food was included we didnt spend all our £ but I wouldn't have "wasted" guests money gifts on things I wouldn't spend my own money on. We went on excusions and ate in speciality restaraunts we may not have previously done so the £ was appreciated. Any extra we put back into our joint savings which will probably eventually get used as a house deposit. We have told the guests what we did on the holiday but the holiday itself was 4k and paid by us. The £ we brought back was less than the spending money we took so I dont really think theres any need for a guest financial invoice breakdown. The people who gave us vouchers I just said we'll get something nice for the house and left it at that...whether we collate them or spend them individually im not sure yet.