Offended by cash request

[Deleted User]

Vicki84 wrote: »

Hi

Some friends of ours are getting married and have asked for cash towards their honeymoon in lieu of a gift list.

I'm very uncomfortable with this. I've been bought up with the attitude that if you can't afford you do without. My husband and I had two fabulous days in a nice hotel the UK, because that was all we could afford at the time.

I'm annoyed in the extreme to be asked to put money towards a lengthy foreign holiday. Let me be clear, I would be happy to buy an 'experience' or something useful for the trip (e.g. a camera), but just a cash donation seems off. I'm also concerned that we earn quite a lot less than many of our friends, so our contribution is going to look paltry.

Anyone else been in this situation? Do you think it would be acceptable to take a gift to the wedding instead, such as a bottle of champagne?

Thanks

We have just gotten married - 2nd time around for both of us - and we were going to specify 'no gifts please' but people kept asking & insisting before the invitations went out so in the end we had wording along the lines of "The only gift we need is you to be with us to help celebrate our happy day, but if you wish to then we would be happy to accept donations to [my favourite charity] or towards a honeymoon trip"

Damned if we don't, damned if we do! You can't please all of the people all of the time.

Some people chose to donate to our charity, some gave us cash, some gave us a mixture of keepsakes, gifts, cash.

Perhaps it makes a difference in that we aren't particularly well-off compared to others, I have a disability too, and we have fought long & hard to be together. We certainly didn't expect gifts, and did not think worse of our guests who took us at our word & just gave lovely cards with lots of love

I'm sorry if people felt offended but I'd rather they didn't buy any gift at all (and waste their money) rather than a set of saucepans we already have!

BabyBoots

Almo wrote: »

I read a (to me) really nice idea a few months ago. A couple asked for wine for their presents (if people wanted to give anything). They asked their guests to put a label on it with the names of the gift givers and said words to the effect of a bottle for normal Friday drinking would be just as gladly received as a posh bottle for special occasions. The idea was that each time the couple opened a bottle they would look at who had given it and raise a glass to them. I thought it was a lovely idea - and probably far more likely to be drunk that champagne.

We've just (today!) come back from our honeymoon, and we had a wonderful time. Most of the wedding gifts we received were contributions to our honeymoon. Obviously we had already booked and paid for our honeymoon before receiving wedding gifts, but we used the contributions for day trips, meals, etc, rather than the flights and hotel.

For example we took a cooking class in the local cuisine, using a contribution from a foodie friend, and took a day trip snorkelling and kayaking using local currency kindly given to us by a group of friends. In a similar vein to the wine gifts above, each time we had a meal, took a trip etc, we had in mind the particular friend or relative that had given us that experience.

As a child, my parents always said if I received money as a gift, I should say what I had done/planned to do with it in my thank you letter, and that's what I plan to do with our wedding thank you letters - describe what we did with what was given to us, and how grateful we are for the experience.

The OP said they were happy to give an experience or something useful for the trip, but cash seems off. I would suggest cash is easier for both giver and recipient, and the recipient can use it for whatever experience or useful thing they would like.

gravitytolls

The last three weddings we went to wanted vouchers/cash. Personally I was delighted, as it so simple, a card, a bung, lick 'n'' stick, job done. None of that shopping malarkey and wondering who else has got what. Or worse, checking the list to see there's only the Miele washing machine left, when you wanted to get the towels!

TBH, I think it's a lot of fuss about nowt. Weddings are a celebration of the love of two people, it's traditional to give a gift, and most folk like to give, but whether it's in a box and wrapped or in an envelope, so what? You're still celebrating a couple's love and ensuring a little help toward their happy times.

[Deleted User]

Just to add - we are only able to have a honeymoon at all due to the kind gift of money that people wanted to give us, we already used our £3000 odd savings throwing a wedding party for 100+

Our very limited income surplus is generally saved so we can (budget) travel to see my husband's sons abroad in Asia and that's all we do most years - We wouldn't be heartbroken at not having a honeymoon - but it is obviously a lovely treat for us both to enjoy, and we are very grateful for it...

Idiophreak

Blimey, I'm amazed people still find the energy to reply at such length on this subject...But just a couple of bits that caught my eye:

LEJC wrote: »

If as a bride and groom you request cash for (insert whatever here) and your cash amount is exceeded by a large amount,ie much more than you were expecting,would you then make a list of items you needed or use the money another way?....and if you were going to use the extra money another way would you confess to your guest or just thank them for contributing to (whatever)?

I actually feel quite strongly about this...people ask for money for a certain thing...and I think they should use the money for that thing, when they get it. In 90% of cases, I don't think it's ever an issue...Typically, I've seen "honeymoon" and "deposit" as the two typical uses for the money...but I have seen people who've said they "saving for a sofa" or similar...now, the amount of money we were gifted for our honeymoon was really generous - but for a month in America, there was plenty more to spend besides - and it wouldn't have made a massive dent in a house deposit. It would, however, have paid for a pretty spectacular sofa. I really think, though, that people have a good idea of how much people are likely to give them - and choose their target appropriately.

Personally, every penny that was gifted to us for the honeymoon was used for that purpose, except for one person's gift, that we used to buy a new bed...but this was only because the gift turned up a long time after the wedding - by which time the honeymoon finances had all been sorted.

teeni wrote:

So be it if you get 50 towels and 4 toasters, Where does it end, does no one ever give a gift for any occassion any more without having to get the exact requirements off the receiver.

At christmas do you always give cash to children , grandchildren siblings in case you got it wrong, makes for a very exciting christmas morning doesnt it.

What is wrong with saying thank you graciously.

As a guest, why on Earth would I want to give someone *another* set of towels, if they've been given a bunch already. Why on earth would I want to be the guy that gave them their "third reserve" toaster...it's just madness.

It costs a lot to attend weddings and I *absolutely object* to money I give as a gift being wasted. For that reason, I really hope the couple provide a request for cash or a gift list with their invitation...They get stuff they want. I get value for money.

And yes, for Christmas, I like people to give me a list, too...And I co-ordinate with other people to make sure we don't double up on gifts. You know what makes for an exciting Christmas morning? 50 towels and 4 toasters...

MrsDrink

And there is me being gutted we didn't get a single toaster!! It's not a wedding without a handful of them!!

floss2

fawny wrote: »

... I will make sure I thank everyone properly & tell them where it has gone.

I agree - everyone who gave us TC vouchers received a postcard from Portugal; those who gave us JL or Debenhams vouchers were told what we'd bought (bedding / silver photo frames for the wedding pics) in their thank-you cards.

jtr2803 wrote: »

...I guess it was almost by chance but I have been trying to arrange something a little different and special for our honeymoon when I came across the perfect solution. There is an island not far from the one we are staying at and they have a coral regeneration/propagation programme (for those who don't know the Maldives suffered massively in 1998 when ocean temperatures soared and a lot of the reefs were killed), I contacted them about visiting for the day so that we could see the programme.....We still won't be 'asking' for donations but if anyone approaches us about a gift and is insistent then we will be showing them the project and explaining what it means to us to be able to sponsor a reef.

Why not consider doing a small display of photos & info at your wedding?

burnoutbabe wrote: »

really do people actually buy toasters? would be very strange to assume anyone didn;t have a toaster? or no bathtowels?

We don't have a toaster, didn't receive one and don't want one

Idiophreak

floss2 wrote: »

We don't have a toaster, didn't receive one and don't want one

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

..but....TOAST!!?

jtr2803

We probably will Floss because our wedding is all a bit backwards, we aren't having our reception until after our honeymoon and I was planning on having some little photo albums of our trips and could do one for the reefscpaing, good idea

Taadaa

When I got married in 2010 we set up a honeymoon fund with Trailfinders. We basically said, what we want the most is you, at our wedding, having a great time. But if you really want to buy us a gift, we would like a contribution to our honeymoon as we have never had a holiday with just us (I have a son from a previous marriage). It had nothing to do with us living beyond our means, or wanting a free ticket. About half of it was paid for, and we were extremely grateful.

We did think about it quite carefully. At the end of the day I hate getting presents that I don't want or need. I feel bad that the person has wasted their money, whatever the occasion is. And we knew that some people would buy us something regardless.

We also ended up with a lovely cutlery set that has been put to good use, some currency, two sets of mugs with Mr and Mrs on them, two wedding photo albums, a not particularly nice photo frame, and a (useless inmho) marriage certificate holder. I accept that it's the thought that counts and the gifts were well meaning (I think the marriage certificate thing might have been an unwanted gift from the giver's own wedding though :rotfl: - there's always one!)

Some people will give what they want to give. As another poster has pointed out, the point of giving is to give something that is wanted, needed, or would be appreciated. Not something you would like to receive yourself, or would quite like to get rid of. I would rather the person not bother if they were only doing it from a sense of obligation and end up wasting their money.