Is this assault?

coolcait

atrixblue.-MFR-. wrote: »

trouble is that if the police are called every so often with domestic desputes or violence and young children in the house social services refurals go in from the police if they feel he would be a danger to your youngest one.

sounds to me as if he has somesort of personality disorder, this isnt normal behaviour for an adult, possibly could be having some phsycotic episodes or it could possibly be a recreational drug after effect. not body building is he anabolic steroids cause mood swings and violent behaviour?
to be honest i think its more of a mental health condition as he seems to have had these outbursts quite often from a young age.

i would have a calm chat with him in a quiet enviroment with no raised voices, and ask him what he feels when he is in these anger outbursts and what he remembers, infact i would have the chat when no one is listening or can cut in with their opinions.

your husband is quite right to not involve himself with these outbursts, it can make the situation worse im not sure and forgive me but i cant remeber if you separated from his biodad or not if you have then your now husband would not want to involve himself in a situation where by he could be put in the fireing line of your sons fist and aggrevate the situation more your son is an adult not a 14 year old going through pubic changes and teenage anger issues.
as i was saying it maybe beneficial to you, his siblings, and your relationship with your husband if you can get him to agree to a doctors appointment with you in attendance, explain to the doc and take no BS that theres and underlying problem with a him having these outbursts, and see if you can get the doc to refure him to MH services in your area.

Whilst I don't agree with everything you say, atrix, I do agree that there's a lot of sense in getting doctors involved in checking a person who has been violent.

Although it doesn't excuse the violence, there is always the possibility that an underlying medical condition - possibly undiagnosed - has aggravated the situation.

It could be something which the person has had from childhood, or something which has come on later in life. It can be one of the symptoms of dementia, for example.

It can also be an effect of substance abuse - whether that is a legal substance, like alcohol, or an illegal one.

However, it is important that the violent person's family supports him/her by helping get a medical assessment and help - but without justifying or minimising the violent behaviour.

daska

coolcait wrote: »

Whilst I don't agree with everything you say, atrix, I do agree that there's a lot of sense in getting doctors involved in checking a person who has been violent.

Although it doesn't excuse the violence, there is always the possibility that an underlying medical condition - possibly undiagnosed - has aggravated the situation.

It could be something which the person has had from childhood, or something which has come on later in life. It can be one of the symptoms of dementia, for example.

It can also be an effect of substance abuse - whether that is a legal substance, like alcohol, or an illegal one.

However, it is important that the violent person's family supports him/her by helping get a medical assessment and help - but without justifying or minimising the violent behaviour.

But the OP hasn't even responded to suggestions that she haul him back to the consultant to investigate whether it's linked to his existing diagnosis of ADHD, let alone anything else!

I suspect the OP will do very little then go back to putting her head in the sand until something really serious happens - at which point she'll be back on here weeping and wailing about how unfair it is that her lovely boy is languishing in a cell and it couldn't possibly be anything she could have helped to sort out...

coolcait

daska wrote: »

But the OP hasn't even responded to suggestions that she haul him back to the consultant to investigate whether it's linked to his existing diagnosis of ADHD, let alone anything else!

I suspect the OP will do very little then go back to putting her head in the sand until something really serious happens - at which point she'll be back on here weeping and wailing about how unfair it is that her lovely boy is languishing in a cell and it couldn't possibly be anything she could have helped to sort out...

I hope you're wrong, of course.

But, I fear that you're right.

I wish that families who know that one of their loved ones has been/is being violent could find the courage to make sure that the loved one gets help. I wish I knew how we cold help them find that courage.

Ellejmorgan

At the end of the day he's a man, it's your house..

At 16 I was fending for myself in a bedsit on £36 pw income support, my Mother wouldn't have fed me...

You deserve a little more respect, but I certainly wouldn't involve the police, get tough with him yourself...

Mrs.W_2

coolcait wrote: »

I hope you're wrong, of course.

But, I fear that you're right.

I wish that families who know that one of their loved ones has been/is being violent could find the courage to make sure that the loved one gets help. I wish I knew how we cold help them find that courage.

We can but hope the OP is still reading, and, hard as it can be, takes steps to help the people she loves. If not for herself, then her grandson.

Welshwoofs

Having read the Op's latest couple of threads this sounds to me like two extremely immature young adults who are probably also fairly uneducated and lacking the communication skills to sort out problems before they spiral into the situation where one or the other of them snaps and uses violence.

Seems to me that they both need anger management counselling and they need couples counselling. It also seems to me that living 200 miles apart will naturally add further strain - I can't remember if there was a reason for that posted earlier, but if this couple seek the necessary counselling then I'd think the next step is living closer together to lessen the strain.

Lastly, I'm afraid Op that you are still allowing him to act like a child. You're wiping his bum for him still - taking him to the Doctor, helping him find a flat etc. Yes he asked you, but you don't always have to capitulate - in fact it doesn't help him at all if you don't make him stand on his own two feet. Everything you say about the situation screams that you simply go along with what this young couple want....even down to you not knowing when the girlfriend is leaving. It's your house! You extend the invitation for X days - absolutely everything you say seems to shout that you are a reed bending in the storm that goes back and forth between these two. Time to grow some cojones lady!

marywooyeah

Macca83 wrote: »

Yes its technically assault. If you called the police they would come take a statement, ask you if you want to press charges. If you agreed then your son would be arrested. He would spend the night in the cells with court in the morning. At which they would set a trial date for the future. He would probably not be allowed back into the house until the court case had been held. My personal opinion is not to go down this route. It causes huge heart break to mother and son, to all family members.

the CPS decide if a prosecution is to be made - not the victim.

OP if you let this go he will just carry on but at age 22 he's not likely to make this easy and probably won't appreciate a GP referral - I'd ask him to move out.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

marywooyeah wrote: »

the CPS decide if a prosecution is to be made - not the victim.

OP if you let this go he will just carry on but at age 22 he's not likely to make this easy and probably won't appreciate a GP referral - I'd ask him to move out.

a conflicting post!

dont let him carry on doing it but yet dont bother getting him help at the GP's and kick him out.

so how do you suggest the OP move forward then! kicking him out isnt going to solve the problem of his outbursts, may make it worse, it may also trigger resentment, anger and another blow out if OP says to son, get out your behaving like a child here your crisp packet, heres £20 for the bus and food now off you go, he'll probably leave with smashing the house up windows doors, TV etc etc.

marywooyeah

atrixblue.-MFR-. wrote: »

a conflicting post!

dont let him carry on doing it but yet dont bother getting him help at the GP's and kick him out.

so how do you suggest the OP move forward then! kicking him out isnt going to solve the problem of his outbursts, may make it worse, it may also trigger resentment, anger and another blow out if OP says to son, get out your behaving like a child here your crisp packet, heres £20 for the bus and food now off you go, he'll probably leave with smashing the house up windows doors, TV etc etc.

?
I didn't say she shouldn't try and help him, if he was a teenager then she could take him down to the doctors or access support from CAMHS but at 22 and given his temperament I suspect he is not going to be grateful at the suggestion of a Dr and would probably see this as OP interfering and trying to control him. Its a lot harder to access support once your child is over 16/18 and if he refuses to take up help there's nothing OP can do about it.

Kicking him out may as you say trigger resentment etc, it may also give him a kick up the backside to see that OP won't tolerate the way he is treating her, the family and the home. I don't recall saying she should give him money to do that but if that's how you wish to interpret my post that's up to you.

Dunroamin

I wonder how many people posting on here about getting him help and getting him to the doctors would be saying the same thing to the young man's partner.

Domestic violence is the same whether it's towards a spouse or any other family member.