Is this assault?

jellyhead

Hootie19 wrote: »

Oh, and to the person who wanted to know who cleaned up the glass when my son smashed it on the floor - he did .

That was me - good

So - that's where we are now. Not excusing my son's past behaviour AT ALL, but having seen how she has pushed his buttons over the weekend, I can see how he has become so wound up in the past and how the situation spiralled the way it did.

But how did all the other things happen? Did you push his buttons for him to throw a glass? Was your daughter pushing his buttons? It can't always be somebody else's fault.

No offence, but you seem a bit critical of this girl whereas from where I'm standing she's getting a raw deal with your son. She should be getting a man who is there to do the child rearing, who works and provides and is there for HER.

Her attitude at the weekend may have been because she's not getting enough back from him. Perhaps she's happy now that they've talked because he's told her he's going to get counselling and she can see a future with him? they may even have talked about moving in together.

I hope the counselling works and they continue to be love's young dream He doesn't sound like a bad lad, but things do need to change. Fingers crossed!

londonsurrey

Well done on getting him agree to go to the doctor.

One thing I'd watch out for is him expecting you to do the talking. He's an adult, and has to take responsibility for asking for the help, not just sitting back and expecting his mum to ask the doctor for the help.

Helping him prep for it, getting it all written down (by him), and what he's asking for in bullet points will help him remember what he has to say.

raven83

It just seems the whole post is in defense of her son, like the reason he is like that is because it's someone else's fault! I actually feel quite sorry for the girlfriend in this tbh.

Hootie19

I just knew, when I posted this "I am reluctant to voice any criticism of her, as I know I am going to have accusations of me just sticking up for my son etc etc etc. ", that I was going to be flamed.

I was just trying to point out that it wasn't ALL my son's doing. Yes, he has anger issues. Yes, he has problems. I have accepted that in other posts. He has accepted that in his conversations with me.

And if she is "getting a raw deal" - why the hell is she still with him? I can't understand it at all.

"She should be getting a man who is there to do the child rearing, who works and provides and is there for HER." They live 200 miles apart - did you not see that bit? He can't do much child rearing from that far away, can he? He does work - did you not see that bit either? And he does provide for her financially, as much as he can. And as I said, when he did try and do anything with the baby during the weekend, he got nothing but criticism.

And no - actually, I don't think it is all his fault. The vast majority is. Of course it is. But I *think* (because I'm not, and never have been, in that situation) that if I had decided to stay with a man who had anger issues and who had already shown violence to others, then I would not be doing anything to provoke him. So I don't think she's helping the situation. Personally, I still think she should walk away from him. I don't like suggesting that someone takes the decision to become a single parent. But, living 200 miles apart, she is, to all intents and purposes, a single parent.

coolcait

So, your son's GF had a nightmare journey to be with him on his birthday, as the M6 southbound was closed.

You don't want to criticise her, but you manage to suggest that she would have missed all the traffic problems if she, and the baby she had to get ready, had left earlier. Then, having told the story at length, and planted the idea that it's her fault for not leaving earlier, you say airily that that it's irrelevant to the thread.

However, let's not forget that the girl took the time to make sure that she and their baby were there for your son's birthday - even though you didn't really want them there.

Your son ran away every time things got difficult. She noted this this. You were annoyed about her noting this and excused his behaviour.

You wanted to take advantage of your son's discount at his place of work,so you all went there en masse. Rather than you going alone with your son. It's a small shop, you (plural, en masse) were cluttering up the aisles. Your son's girlfriend was the only one to suggest that you show respect to other shoppers and some of you wait outside. Your son effectively said 'Stuff everyone else', you appear to have said nothing.

Your son's girlfriend "took herself away from a situation that was getting her worked up". You seem to have seen that as her "running away". These incidents are interesting insights into the way your mind sees things.

I wonder why she was so quiet when visiting your daughter? I wonder why a family which accepts beatings with a baseball bat should be 'embarrassed' by silence. I wonder how a man who is - allegedly - incapable of controlling his violent tendencies could be so capable of maintaining a facade of social chit chat.

Your son's girlfriend asked you to speak to him about his behaviour. You didn't ask 'what behaviour?' You have no idea what behaviour was involved. You simply looked at the calendar and said 'Not today'.

Someone decided to eat outside as it was such a lovely day, despite the fact that you all like watching F1, and the birthday boy - who has behavioural issues - is a huge F1 fan... Who would make such a decision, and why? Yet your criticism is directed at the GF who has endured a horrendous journey to be with her man on his birthday - only for him to choose to watch F1 instead. Against that background, it seems extraordinarily tactless - or deliberately calculated - for you to have suggested that you all watch F1 later..

etc

Not making excuses for your son or yourself?

I'm not persuaded.

coolcait

Hootie19 wrote: »

And if she is "getting a raw deal" - why the hell is she still with him? I can't understand it at all.

It's a common pattern in abusive relationships.

But I *think* (because I'm not, and never have been, in that situation) that if I had decded to stay with a man who had anger issues and who had already shown violence to others, then I would not be doing anything to provoke him.

Personally I think you jumped the shark on this one a long time ago. But that particular bit of victim-blaming should hopefully make others question you tale a little more closely.

.

If anyone reading this thread is in a relationship with someone who is violent, I'd recommend that they find a way to leave it. I'd also state unequivocally it is the violent person's responsibility to change their behaviour. It is not anyone else's responsibility to ensure that the violent person is not 'provoked'.

OP, for a genuine poster you have an uncanny knack of hitting trigger after trigger.

*max*

Coolcait - hats off to an excellent post.

SophieCat

I agree, Coolcat. I couldn't have said it any better myself :beer:

Dustykitten

Does your son do any exercise? From a very basic point of view he is living away from his girlfriend, has raging hormones. This need not cost anything other than a pair of trainners to run in or a second hand bike (or borrow one) to go cycling on.

I am not making excuses, I 100% wound not have been putting up with this behaviour past 18 (if up until then)

Lara44

I don't mean to criticise, but your update seems to have missed the points that most people were making on the thread.

It's great news he's going to go with you to the Dr though - I really hope that works out. It sounds like your son and his GF could use relationship counselling to build their communication skills. Could that be suggested?