Is this assault?

VitaK

So sad when these things happens in families.

It's worrying that he could be wielding a knife next time. Not that a glass or baseball bat can't do enough damage.

chinwag

OP - Yes, it's assault. And I believe it could be dealt with under either assault or public order legislation but it's unlikely since it was a family dispute. From my experience (which is personally not professionally gained, sadly) the definition of assault appears to include acts which might cause the 'victim' to fear, or suffer alarm or distress. For instance, you could spit at or throw something in the direction of someone and it need not actually hit them for you to be guilty of an assault. As your son is 22 and therefore an adult, I think it would be likely any officer attending would use their discretion and ask your son to withdraw so you can both cool down (assuming this happened in your home). The hope would be that common sense would prevail, the matter could be resolved at a later date and not need to be taken further. I'm assuming there was no other genuine or perceived realistic threat to you, or anyone in the general vicinity.

green1970

There's some really good articles on this website that I've visited over the years. I've never paid for anything on there, just read the free articles but they do make perfect sense if you're prepared to make some tough choices about your parenting to enable your son to become independent and finally grow up and take responsibility for his actions - http://www.empoweringparents.com/category-Adult-Children.php

dorsetlady

lilibet1 wrote: »

Well they say that young men act 7 yrs their junior til the age of 25! I have a friend whose son was just the same....

I don't think gender comes into it. My daughter started tantrums at two years old and still has them at twenty eight! She recently destroyed her mobile phone in a tantrum and as a teenager slashed our three-piece suite with scissors and smashed up several of my possessions! I was on edge the whole time she was around. She was an absolute nightmare to live with. Whereas my son has never had a tantrum and we've never had an argument.

thomas22

Try to talk to him personally if not ask someone to do them for you ( especially the person whom he is bit scared off ) and then throw him a chance and if he still behaves the same then its better for you both to keep him away from you !

GobbledyGook

OP have you ever made a list of the incidents and actually looked at them. Take the 'reasons' out of it and read the actions of an adult....

Hit Dad with a baseball bat
Punched his girlfriend
Threw drink over sister next to baby
Smashed up his room
Threw drink over Mum
Smashed glass

What would you do at work if you encountered a family like this? Would you find it acceptable that the family shielded this person from the law? Would you be happy allowing a child to live in a situation like this in your professional opinion?

make_me_wise

duchy wrote: »

OP This man has a CHILD

Step away -You said you work in Child Services-What would be the stance of your colleagues if you described to them the incidents that are happening in your home as a case history of another family ?

Frankly your son needs help-but you do too to find the confidence to deal with this situation realistically and I think counseling could help YOU.

I think the OP knows full well what the stance of her colleagues would be. This needs addressing immediately. Adults and children are at risk of getting hurt from a man who has no self control. Violence always escalates and at some point a member of the OPs family will get hurt by her son. If she keeps standing by and does nothing to stop this then she is putting herself, her family and her career at huge risk.

Wickedkitten

dorsetlady wrote: »

I don't think gender comes into it. My daughter started tantrums at two years old and still has them at twenty eight! She recently destroyed her mobile phone in a tantrum and as a teenager slashed our three-piece suite with scissors and smashed up several of my possessions! I was on edge the whole time she was around. She was an absolute nightmare to live with. Whereas my son has never had a tantrum and we've never had an argument.

What would you do when she would do it?

gravitytolls

marisco wrote: »

If he had behaved like this toward you in a public place then the establishment would most likely have called the police on him. Yes he did assault you and he also emotionally abused you.

When you spoke with him about this incident was there any indication that he was remorseful for his actions? Or just an arrogant indifference to the gravity of what he did to you? It comes across in your post that he couldn't care less about what he did and just seems set to think he did nothing wrong.

At 22 he is a grown man and should treat you with respect. He should also be far more in control of his temper and conduct himself properly. Isnt it about time he left home and stood on his own two feet? The big wide world is going to come as an almighty shock to him isn't it, if this is how he chooses to behave when things dont go his way! Hope you are ok OP.

I hate it when folk are indifferent to my powers.

Hope things are improving OP. x

Hootie19

Thank you all - again. Long update for anyone who's interested.

I have had a long talk with him, and shown him some of the responses.

He accepts unconditionally that his behaviour is out of control and that he needs help. But he is still struggling with the actuality of going to a counsellor and talking about himself and his feelings.

He spoke to me more about his previous encounters with the counsellors he has been to, and why he felt it wasn't working for him.

We spoke about him maybe having depression, and he agreed that it could be a possibility. He has asked me if I will go with him to the GP, as he knows that he won't say the right things if he goes alone. Personally I think it's a bit odd for a 22 year old to have him mum go to the GP with him, but he asked me, and I will do whatever it takes to get him whatever help is available.

He also asked me if I would help him in trying to find somewhere to live, if I still wanted him to move out.

His girlfriend sent me a text at the end of last week asking if I would mind if she and the baby came down to visit, as it was my son's birthday on Sunday. I really didn't want to have them here so soon after his outbursts, but relented and said yes.

The weekend was effing DIRE. She has never driven any distance on her own with the baby. In the past, my son (who doesn't drive) would get the coach to where she lives and she would meet him there and they'd drive back down to our house (about 3 hours drive). My son would sit in the back of the car with the baby, to make sure he (the baby) was ok on the journey.

Then they'd do the whole thing in reverse when she was going home.

However, because it was a last minute decision, and my son was at work, she decided that she would have a go at doing the journey on her own. OMG. The poor girl had a NIGHTMARE journey down, as the M6 southbound was closed and she had to divert (along with everyone else, of course). What should have been a three hour journey actually took her seven hours (including stops). She was supposed to be leaving home at 9am, and was going to meet my son when he finished work at 12. As it turned out, she didn't leave home until 12, otherwise she would have missed all the traffic problems. But the Friday journey is irrelevant to this thread!

I am reluctant to voice any criticism of her, as I know I am going to have accusations of me just sticking up for my son etc etc etc. But I was ready to ask her to leave on Sunday afternoon. I'd just about had enough of her b-i-t-c-h-ing and sniping and walking around with a face like a slapped backside.

Everything my son said, she sniped at him. Everything he tried to do with the baby - he was too slow, he was doing it wrong, he wasn't trying etc etc etc.

Because my son was getting wound up by this, he would disappear to the bathroom - A LOT! That was his way of taking himself away from a situation which was getting him worked up. I thought he did the right thing. She was downstairs muttering under her breath about him running away as soon as things got difficult - muttering loud enough for me to hear.

Never have I bitten my tongue so hard!

We all went into town on Saturday morning as I wanted to do some shopping at the store my son works at, and needed him there to use his discount (they don't have staff discount cards). My son was pushing the buggy around the store (it's a small store with narrow aisles) as was showing the baby off to all his work colleagues. Because we were cluttering up the aisles a bit, she said that she and my son should wait outside until I was ready to pay. My son said no, because he wanted to show the baby to his colleagues. She left the store, and we didn't see her again for half an hour. When we did meet up with her again - OMG, if looks could kill, my son would be dead several times over.

Then I came home to put the shopping away, and she and my son (and the baby of course) all went to my daughter's flat, as my daughter's friend was visiting, and she had been desperate to meet the baby. After they'd left my daughter's flat, my daughter texted me to say that she'd felt really embarrassed as my son's girlfriend had hardly said a word the whole time they'd been there, and my son had been trying to keep a conversation going (and he's not the chattiest of people at the best of times). Given that my son had had the mother of all rows with my daughter just the previous weekend, I was quite surprised to hear my daughter defend him like that - so I'm assuming the atmosphere must have been really bad.

Sunday was my son's birthday. We all went to a car boot sale in the morning, which was ok. On the way home, my son and the girlfriend had to go back into the store where my son works as he was collecting money for his lottery syndicate from a couple of people who hadn't paid. I don't know WHAT had happened between leaving the boot sale and them coming home, but she came to me as soon as they got in and asked me if I would watch the baby for a while as "I need to pull [my son] to one side and have a word with him about his behaviour".

I just looked at her and said "not today, you don't". I wasn't having a major blow out in my house again, and not on his birthday. She wasn't happy about it at all, but said ok.

During lunch (which we had outside as it was such a lovely day), my son (who is a huge F1 fan) said he wanted to go inside to watch the first couple of laps, then he'd come back outside. Looks could kill time again. Then I had to go out to the local shop and while I was gone, the heavens opened. They were all in the lounge when I got back, and I made the mistake of suggesting that we put the end of the GP on (we all like watching F1).

With that the girlfriend got up and took herself to bed. When the GP had finished, the baby was whingeing a bit and so she decided that she was going to take him out in the car to try and get him to sleep "and to get away from [my son] for a while". Then she decided to feed him (while he was in the car seat), then tried to give him a bottle (still in the car seat). He didn't seem to want this, and was screaming. I asked if she minded if I got him out of the seat, and she agreed.

I was walking up and down with him - which he likes - and she disappeared to her car. My son went out to speak to her, and the next thing we know, they have both disappeared. The car is still there, but they are nowhere to be seen.

They were gone for about an hour and a half. When they came back, they were walking up the street hand in hand, and asked if I'd babysit while they went out for dinner. Which of course, I did.

And since then, they have been like "love's young dream". I don't know what happened while they were out of the house, or out for dinner, but I wish it had happened a lot sooner.

They are behaving as they should be, as a young couple with a gorgeous little baby - happy, laughing, working together to see to the baby etc. It's like having two completely different people in the house.

But, it all feels a bit "forced", so I don't know if this is a "performance" that they are putting on, or what.

I don't know how long his girlfriend is staying with us - it was initally just asked if she could come for the weekend - but my daughter wanted to come and see the baby tomorrow evening, so I asked her (nicely!) when she was going home, just so that I knew how many to cater for dinner tomorrow evening, as my daughter and her baby wanted to come over. She said she would still be here tomorrow, but didn't say anything about going home.

I don't mind at all, as long as they are being as they are at the moment.

So - that's where we are now. Not excusing my son's past behaviour AT ALL, but having seen how she has pushed his buttons over the weekend, I can see how he has become so wound up in the past and how the situation spiralled the way it did.

I have in the past, spent HOURS (literally) on the phone to her, on emails to and from her, on Skye with her. I have consistently said to her that I thought she was insane for continuing in a relationship with my son, given his temper problems. When she told me all the things he had said to her and how he had behaved when with her, I said to her "if you were hearing this from one of your friends, what advice would you be giving her? Would you be encouraging her to try and make the relationship work, or would you be telling her to walk away"? She agreed that she'd be saying walk away. But then she keeps coming back to my son.



I "hear" what some of you have said about me "allowing" my son to be around the children in the family. But seriously - the mothers involved are both 25 years old. How can I realistically say to them "you are not allowed to take your baby to XYZ place". They are both old enough to make those decisions for themselves. They both know what my son is like. So if THEY make the decision to visit - really, I am supposed to say "no, don't come to visit me"?

Yes, I work in Children's Services (as admin - I am not a social worker) and I don't believe in taking personal problems to work with me. However, I have one social worker in the team who I have spoken to and who has been a great source of support to me. She has given me information regarding support services etc that I, and my son, can access. But as my son's girlfriend lives 200 miles away, there is little she (the SW) can do by way of support for that side of the family.


Oh, and to the person who wanted to know who cleaned up the glass when my son smashed it on the floor - he did .


So, once his girlfriend has gone back home, I will make an appointment for us to go and see his GP. I hope against hope that we can get something sorted.