Is this assault?

shelley_crow

Nicki wrote: »

Mine was edited only to remove two quotes, which remain in their original form elsewhere on the thread. Still trying to work that one out

How strange! I quoted the full post but had commented underneath but it's all being removed.

thorsoak

Hootie19 wrote: »

Thank you all.

I didn't say I WAS going to report him for assault. Just asked what the police's response was likely to be if I did.

And I wasn't "screaming assault". I asked if what he did would be classed as assault.



I know that I/We are enabling his behaviour by allowing it to continue unchecked, but he IS my son, and I do love him, and I can't bear the thought that I would be the one who caused him to have a criminal record ( and yes, I know, I know, I know - it's his behaviour, and his choice and all that) and affect any future job possibilities.

I worry about him endlessly - I always have done. He seems unable to form/maintain relationships, either friendships or personal relationships. His current girlfriend lives almost 200 miles away, and there has been talk of them moving in together. They have a six month old baby, which my son didn't want, but after she decided she wanted to keep it, he has tried really hard to bond with him and be a good dad. Very hard when they hardly see each other.

As I said, they were talking about moving in together, but I think this would be absolutely disastrous, as I am terrified that my son would harm the baby if he lost his rag. As I said, he has already hit his girlfriend when he lost his temper when the baby wouldn't stop crying.


Jeez - I work in Children's Services and I know all about DV and how it keeps happening again and again within families. I know this. So why can't I bring myself to do something about my own situation.

My son was diagnosed with ADD at about 9 years old. I think I have always felt guilty about this (although I know that in reality, it's not my fault) and I have probably made excuses for him because of it. Of course I know now, and probably knew back then, that it wasn't the right thing to do, but I just didn't know what to do for the best. I wasn't using the internet then, so I didn't have places like this to come for advice. (I have no family of my own and none of my friends had children at the same time as me, so nowhere to go to for advice.)

Thank you to those of you who have replied (well, most of you). After he'd calmed down tonight, he did talk to me - probably more than he's ever done, as he hates talking about himself - and asked me, if he does make plans to move out, would I help him. I said I didn't know if I could be of any particular help, but that I would do all I could to support him.

I hope we can find a solution.

And yes, I do think he suffers from depression. But getting him to see that may be a whole other problem.

First step is to print your post (above) out and show it to him. Show him in black and white what scares you so much - and justifiably too.

He is the only person who can change himself - you can't do it - he has to take responsibility for his actions himself. Offer to go to the doctor's with him, maybe - for a bit of moral support - but he has to be the one to initiate this - other times when it has been arranged for him, he's not participated.

And yes, he should be trying to find somewhere else to live - but not with GF and baby - your instincts are quite right there.

Have you been in touch with any of the ADHD support groups? Could they not help in any way?

GobbledyGook

Hootie19 wrote: »

However, on his part time wages, he just cant' see how he can afford to live anywhere else.
.

Then he finds more hours, a different job or he speaks to CAB to find out if there are any benefits he can claim to top up his income.

His inability to pay his way is not your problem. He is an adult and is responsible for his own actions and the consequences thereof.

Frankly I wouldn't be asking him to live elsewhere. For my own sake and that of my other children I'd be telling him to go.

Smashing glasses, pouring drinks over people and smashing up his room isn't something I'd accept from my kids and they are all under 9!

Whilst his behaviour goes pretty much unchecked - no police, no being kicked out etc just a ticking off from Mum - he's got zero incentive to change. You are not doing him any favours by protecting him from the true consequence of his actions. One day someone won't accept it from him or it will continue escalating until something horrendous happens.

Nicki

shelley_crow wrote: »

How strange! I quoted the full post but had commented underneath but it's all being removed.

Perhaps we are allowed to make the point in general terms, without reference to any post, or any poster, that to attack someone with a baseball bat is always illegal and dangerous, and so could never be "deserved" by the victim. To defend yourself with a baseball bat is only allowed in very narrow circumstances - ie if you feel yourself to be in immediate risk of death or serious injury and happen to be holding the baseball bat at the time. The moment you move a few steps to fetch it, or any other offensive weapon, the defence of self defence fails.

Also, to physically attack someone in response to a petty aggravation is also a criminal offence, and does not become less of one because following that attack, the person attacked does not persist with the behaviour which initially annoyed you.

And finally, the point which I think we both made: if OP's son continues to get away with such behaviour without any sanction or repurcussion, the chances are very high that he will come to believe that both of the two situations outlined above are morally and legally acceptable. Which is not what the OP probably wants for her adult son.

blossomhill_2

Hootie19 wrote: »

I know that I/We are enabling his behaviour by allowing it to continue unchecked, but he IS my son, and I do love him, and I can't bear the thought that I would be the one who caused him to have a criminal record ( and yes, I know, I know, I know - it's his behaviour, and his choice and all that) and affect any future job possibilities

Is a criminal record and affecting job prospects really what you're concerned about - shouldn't you be concerned about him taking it too far and ending up only seeing him behind glass - he is already a habitual offender even if he hasn't been reported every time?
Now you have said you work in children's services I can't really take all this seriously

byjimini

I've only read the first posts since this thread quickly got out of hand.

But anyway.

I'd get the tent out of the shed and tell him he can live outside til his behaviour gets better. That's after exhausting a bloody good telling off and some time to get out of him any problems he needs addressing.

muffintop

I find it astonishing that you, OP, work in Children's Services and yet permit your son, who appears to have a serious problem with violence and abuse, to be around children who are being subjected to his behaviour and are being put at risk of significant harm as a result, especially where even you think he is likely to be a danger to his own child. I wonder if, by reporting his behaviour to the police, you would also find yourself under scrutiny for failing to protect children, and that is what is really preventing you from so doing.

GobbledyGook

muffintop wrote: »

I wonder if, by reporting his behaviour to the police, you would also find yourself under scrutiny for failing to protect children, and that is what is really preventing you from so doing.

There will be more than scrutiny for the OP if, god forbid, he ever loses his temper with one of the children in the family.

Macca83_2

Limana68 wrote: »

Please dont post unless you know EXACTLY what will happen, likelehood is, he would be interviewed at the station and bailed, or charged, he wouldnt be kept in for the whole night unless he was too drunk to interview, or no where else to be bailed to!

Also if police arrived this could also be classed as a domestic issue.
OP, have you thought about asking him to leave and find his own place?

My post came from experience of a similar situation. It may not happen in every case but it was certainly my experience.

Desperado99

He absolutely needs help of some kind, whether that's through your GP, or through domestic violence charities. Some sort of anger management/counselling (you can probably tell, I have no real knowledge in this area).

BUT I also think he needs to leave, and I think from your conversation with him, he knows it too.

I also think that the next time (because it sounds like there will be a next time) you do need to call the police, and you need to tell him this beforehand. If he ends up with a criminal record it will be because of HIS actions and no-one elses.