Is this assault?

VestanPance

jellyhead wrote: »

If he is doing very little except play games then that will affect him. Parents usually limit their child's screen time for this reason. The games themselves probably aren't a problem if they are played in moderation, but it sounds like he's not playing them in moderation.

Video games doesn't cause violence. Music doesn't cause violence. Films doesn't cause violence. Marilyn Manson doesn't cause violence.

Lara44

Dear OP

I am sorry to hear you are in this very difficult situation. I think you know that your instincts are right - this has got to stop. I hope all these posts have emphasised how ignoring it is not the best way to help your son.

Initially I think you need to talk to some DV specialists about your own feelings and the best moves to make next. I think it would be good to make change NOW before this incident gets forgotten about. If your son had a deep talk with you he may be more receptive than usual. You could calmly explain that his behaviour is not acceptable and that if he wants to remain in your house, he has to attend the Drs for referrals to anger management and long-term counselling, and possibly medication for ADHD. I think you should go with him and supervise him throughout all this, rather than leaving him to it. Simply because leaving him to it didn't work last time - even though he's an adult and should take responsibility for himself. If he breaks any of these conditions, such as failing to attend appointments then let him know he will have to leave the family home with 1 month's notice. Let him know he can come back if and when he starts re-engaging with the process. Of course if he is violent in any way at home then this means he will have to leave immediately.

I would also share with him your worries as a mother. Tell him that you don't feel he is safe around his own child. Explore how that might affect that child's life and future feelings. Especially talk about the feelings of others if he has difficulty 'getting' these. Explain the kind of happy, fulfilled life that you imagined for him. Talk about some structures that people build to make these lives, like friendships and relationships, work, hobbies and interests. Perhaps suggest that for every appointment he attends you will also help him with some piece of his puzzle, for example sitting down together and writing a CV, helping him to organise some volunteer work? Although he has done wrong you must still believe he can change things for the better if he engages with outside support. How much he would engage with this depends on how much he's willing to change - which isn't clear at all from your post.

Whatever happens, good luck and don't stick with the status quo.

Nicki

[text removed by MSE Forum Team]

I do not agree that the original incident was trivial. The trigger was trivial, but your son's reaction was not. To throw a glass of water, then break the glass is a terrifying response. I imagine the glass was broken to intimidate those there, that if they didn't back off they would be stabbed with it. I have seen that kind of behaviour before outside pubs and on public transport and the young men who do this kind of thing are very dangerous indeed.

The legal definition of assault does not actually require any physical contact - just the fear that you will be put into physical danger. The contact element of the crime is in legal terms battery not assault. There are in addition some statutory crimes of assault - assault occasioning actual bodily harm, assault occasioning grevious bodily harm and wounding. So even if the water had missed you, an assault would still have been committed at the point the glass was broken.

I know you want to do your best by your son, and in your shoes I might be inclined to pursue the medical route first with his psychiatrist, but if that does not succeed, you may have to resort to a legal remedy. Best wishes with whatever you decide to do. You are in an unenviable position, and to be barracked by some posters and told that you are overreacting to the situation, or indeed have caused it, is completely unacceptable IMO.

Misstress

VestanPance wrote: »

Video games doesn't cause violence. Music doesn't cause violence. Films doesn't cause violence. Marilyn Manson doesn't cause violence.

Addiction can cause violence.

Wootball

Misstress wrote: »

Addiction can cause violence.

Yes it can, but why single out the video games? Maybe he's addicted to chicken in fajitas?

duchy

I'd be interested to know what the rest of the family feel about your son OP and your constant excuses for his behaviour.

My brother had similar issues-although it was verbal abuse and taking out his anger on objects physically not people. No idea why he had a secure home, an excellent education, friends but the person we'd see at home was entirely different to the person he was outside the home. My mother made excuse after excuse for him no matter how badly he behaved-my father frankly was scared of his rages and undermined in any effort to stop him by my mother. (Really odd as in everything else in life they were a united couple even when they didn't fully agree but he was my mother's blind spot) As I am older than him I had left home before he got to an unreasonable level but most of my visits home ended up with rows because I would stand up to him and tell him how unreasonable his behaviour was. He treated his girlfriends as badly but thankfully finally married a feisty woman who appears to not take his crap-they've recently had a child after ten years of marriage so perhaps he has finally grown up. I hope so but have no desire to find out first hand. I'd love to meet my niece but if I'm a trigger to his rages I don't want to rock the boat so have left him to it and keep very loose contact. It's hard as both our parents are now dead and he's pretty much my only family aside from my son but if there is any possibility I'm a part of the problem it's better for all concerned to keep away. I love my brother but his rages and the unhappiness they caused have left scars. My father was unswervingly loyal to my Mum -he adored her but one day he broke down and told me he couldn't understand why my brother was so foul to them both when they had given him so much (and admitted far more than they had given me ) private education, love, support-and how despite them agreeing to stand united in discipline with both kids (and he admitted my Mum was often tougher on me than he felt was appropriate but he kept the "stand united" deal) yet with him she would take no notice of my Dad's views and make excuses for him. I have to wonder if your OH does nothing because he is dealing with you doing something similar ?

We all loved my brother but we didn't like him much but my mother's resolute blindness to his behaviour made it impossible for him to be offered any help as she constantly enabled his behaviour. I have to wonder if that is you too OP ?

I know I'm bringing a lot of personal experience to this (and it's not something I usually talk about) -and I accept I may be totally off base but certain things you said resonated with me.

VestanPance

Misstress wrote: »

Addiction can cause violence.

Actually, there is no scientific evidence at all that addiction to video games, Marilyn Manson records, video "nasties" etc has any impact on a persons attitude towards violence or induces violent behaviour.

All scientific evidence points towards a real life events triggering the behaviour, such as being a victim of violence, bullying, or emotional trauma such as death of a loved one or family issues.

Wootball

VestanPance wrote: »

Actually, there is no scientific evidence at all that addiction to video games, Marilyn Manson records, video "nasties" etc has any impact on a persons attitude towards violence or induces violent behaviour.

All scientific evidence points towards a real life events triggering the behaviour, such as being a victim of violence, bullying, or emotional trauma such as death of a loved one or family issues.

You should know by now that speaking sense is not welcomed here.

Now if you'll forgive me I'm about to go and listen to Slipknot whilst I punch puppies in the face.

raven83

robpw2 wrote: »

if you hugged me i would not be very happy at all because i don't know you
anything can be assualt when it is not called for /required ,

for example its ok to hit someone in a boxing match but hititng someon outside the match is not ok

in this case a 20 year old took it on him self to punish his older brother thats not acceptable

God I feel sorry for you, so everytime someone comes near you or embraces you, quick call the police! Ridiculous!:eek:

heartbreak_star

Wootball wrote: »

You should know by now that speaking sense is not welcomed here.

Now if you'll forgive me I'm about to go and listen to Slipknot whilst I punch puppies in the face.

:rotfl:this sums it all up perfectly. Go watch the old Tom Hanks film Mazes and Monsters for more prejudice against brilliant hobbies.

OP, I do think that your son needs some help with his issues, and you're going to have to play tough to make it happen. Hugs to you.

HBS x