Is this assault?

Dunroamin

daska wrote: »

Would you advise a wife who's husband is violent not to help if possible? I had to work hard to get DS2's dad to agree to anger management and it did involve turfing him out of the house (and he's still not allowed back). I didn't 'put up with it', but for all our sakes I didn't stop at the tough part I did the responsible part as well! I find it quite offensive that you suggest that I shouldn't have done this - it was the sensible thing to do as it benefits me, our child, our other children, the rest of our families..

I don't know where you get that from as you did exactly what I suggested earlier.

"He should move out, seek help for himself and then his family could consider the situation when/if he resolves his problems."

How is that in any way different from what you did?

daska

Dunroamin wrote: »

I don't know where you get that from as you did exactly what I suggested earlier.

"He should move out, seek help for himself and then his family could consider the situation when/if he resolves his problems."

How is that in any way different from what you did?

We'd still be waiting for him to address his issues if I'd done as you suggested and waited for him to seek help for himself.

As I stated earlier, turfing him out was part of it, not the beginning or the end. I forced him to deal with his problems and I helped him on that path, including making appointments with the GP and ringing to remind him when appointments were. And when the anger course was finished and it obviously wasn't enough I marched him back to the GP and we worked out a new strategy.

coolcait

daska wrote: »

Would you advise a wife who's husband is violent not to help if possible? I had to work hard to get DS2's dad to agree to anger management and it did involve turfing him out of the house (and he's still not allowed back). I didn't 'put up with it', but for all our sakes I didn't stop at the tough part I did the responsible part as well! I find it quite offensive that you suggest that I shouldn't have done this - it was the sensible thing to do as it benefits me, our child, our other children, the rest of our families... It's not appropriate in all cases but identifying the cause of the behaviour and dealing with it is more effective in the long run than just punishing the behaviour.

But actually I don't think it's a direct analogy. The OP makes it clear this isn't new behaviour, she should have been seeking help while he was still a child. if she didn't then I think she needs to acknowledge that she has to bear some responsibility for it. That still doesn't involve just putting up with it - there have to be consequences to his actions or he won't learn any better - but due to the problem he might not be able to learn any better without help.

Dunroamin wrote: »

I don't know where you get that from as you did exactly what I suggested earlier.

"He should move out, seek help for himself and then his family could consider the situation when/if he resolves his problems."

How is that in any way different from what you did?

I think the difference lies in the fact that daska did more than your suggestion. She also worked with her husband to ensure that he got the help he needed.

Her reason for doing so is in bold above. You don't seem to have taken that into account - just as you didn't take into account my point about having several things happening in tandem.

You also haven't taken into account daska's point that your question "Would you advise a wife whose husband beats her up to do that" is not a direct analogy with this situation.

Spouses do not have a responsibility to teach each other that violent behaviour is unacceptable. Parents do have a responsibility to teach that to their children.

That's before we get into the realms of health issues which can affect an adult's capabilty to act. If an adult child has, or a parent suspects they may have, a medical condition which impairs their ability to act effectively as an adult, then you can see why the parent would feel a responsibility to ensure that they accessed the correct care.

Spouses can feel the same way about their other half.

Dunroamin

coolcait wrote: »

Spouses do not have a responsibility to teach each other that violent behaviour is unacceptable. Parents do have a responsibility to teach that to their children.
.

In the case being discussed, the "child" is a man of 22 who is himself a father; the time for teaching is long gone.

*Robin*

Dunroamin wrote: »

In the case being discussed, the "child" is a man of 22 who is himself a father; the time for teaching is long gone.

But the opportunity for learning is life-long, surely?

Isn't this thread really talking about how the relatives - particularly the mother who is the OP - can help her wayward adult son to learn self-control before something happens that can never be undone?

Welshwoofs

daska wrote: »

Be realistic, he has a diagnosis of ADHD. We can infer from what she's written that he is impulsive, with inappropriate and unrestrained emotions and acts without regard to the consequences. All that is perfectly in keeping with his diagnosis. In addition he's almost certainly easily distracted, has difficulty concentrating on or finishing jobs, has difficulty processing information and in following instructions. Without help there is every chance that he wouldn't make it as far as the GP even if he started with the best of intentions. And that's not going as far as considering any co-morbid condition that might be affecting his behaviour.

Well I'm not even going to get started on 'ADHD' as my views on it most certainly won't be popular here. Suffice it to say, this man may have a label pinned to him but that doesn't mean he's totally helpless and that his Mother should do everything for him forever more.

However if she feels she has to drag him to the GP or he won't do it himself, then get on with it. Boot his backside into whatever counselling sessions his GP thinks he needs...and if those work, great, problem solved. However if they don't work I hope she's got a backup plan for the better good of the child in this....and not one that includes allowing the behaviour (from both its parents) to continue.

haycorns

Have just found this thread haven't had time to read it all , but OP I really feel for you . My son is 18 and is similar.

He was diagnosed with Autism last year. It answered so many questions. It sounds like his outbursts are meltdowns caused by high levels of anxiety.

i'll try and come back and post again, but please don't be upset by everyones harsh comments . Do some research and you will find there are lots of people who understand the situation, and may be able to point you in the right direction for support for your son and the rest of the family.

Hang in there AND KEEP LOVING YOUR SON!

Dunroamin

*Robin* wrote: »

But the opportunity for learning is life-long, surely?

Of course, but that doesn't mean that the parent's role as a teacher is!

daska

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Well I'm not even going to get started on 'ADHD' as my views on it most certainly won't be popular here. Suffice it to say, this man may have a label pinned to him but that doesn't mean he's totally helpless and that his Mother should do everything for him forever more.

However if she feels she has to drag him to the GP or he won't do it himself, then get on with it. Boot his backside into whatever counselling sessions his GP thinks he needs...and if those work, great, problem solved. However if they don't work I hope she's got a backup plan for the better good of the child in this....and not one that includes allowing the behaviour (from both its parents) to continue.

Isn't that exactly what I've been saying? His behaviour needs to be addressed but the medical route is part of it. The point I'm trying to make is that contrary to a lot of posters stated views simply kicking him out is unlikely to achieve this. No matter what happens he still needs to learn how to behave. And, as previously stated my view is that his mother should have addressed these issues a long time ago when he was still a child rather than waiting for him to be well into adulthood and then wringing her hands and going 'oh woe is me'.

FWIW I understand the arguments you would be likely to submit as to whether ADHD is genuine and I used to subscribe to them, then I had a child with special needs and my opinion changed dramatically. It's not nurture, if it were he'd be like our other 3 children. But he scores full marks on every assessment for ADHD, has SMD and has a lot of autistic behaviours - to the extent that he's even going into the local ASD/S&L unit next term. (He also has Brown's Syndrome but I don't use the acronym for that for obvious reasons LOL)

daska

Dunroamin wrote: »

Of course, but that doesn't mean that the parent's role as a teacher is!

If we are always learning then it stands to reason that our teachers are everyone around us and those closest to us teach us most.