Is this assault?

*Robin*

daska wrote: »

If we are always learning then it stands to reason that our teachers are everyone around us and those closest to us teach us most.

Quite. From what Mum has written, the time has not yet arrived when she can consider her task completed.

FWIW if I were in OP's position, I would not tell my son to leave my home - it doesn't matter how old he is; he's obviously not ready to cope with the rigours of life alone.

Welshwoofs

daska wrote: »

Isn't that exactly what I've been saying? His behaviour needs to be addressed but the medical route is part of it. The point I'm trying to make is that contrary to a lot of posters stated views simply kicking him out is unlikely to achieve this. No matter what happens he still needs to learn how to behave. And, as previously stated my view is that his mother should have addressed these issues a long time ago when he was still a child rather than waiting for him to be well into adulthood and then wringing her hands and going 'oh woe is me'.

I agree - these things should have been addressed as a child. But they weren't and now there's an out of control, extremely immature adult who's unfortunately gone on to have a child without seemly being in the possession to parent one properly (and that goes for the girlfriend too who sounds just as bad).

However...and here's where we'll almost certainly disagree, whilst perhaps the Mother can do a 'final push' to get him sorted...at some point this man is going to have to take responsibility for his own life and actions - he can't be a millstone round his Mother's neck forever. Sometimes, you need to cut the cord to preserve your own sanity and way of life rather than sacrifice your own wellbeing upon the pyre of someone else's problems.

FWIW I understand the arguments you would be likely to submit as to whether ADHD is genuine and I used to subscribe to them, then I had a child with special needs and my opinion changed dramatically. It's not nurture, if it were he'd be like our other 3 children. But he scores full marks on every assessment for ADHD,

You've made the assumption that my arguments were going to be about nuture but you're wrong about that.

Dunroamin

*Robin* wrote: »

Quite. From what Mum has written, the time has not yet arrived when she can consider her task completed.

FWIW if I were in OP's position, I would not tell my son to leave my home - it doesn't matter how old he is; he's obviously not ready to cope with the rigours of life alone.

Is she allowed to tell him to leave when he kills someone?

Spamfree_2

*Robin* wrote: »

Quite. From what Mum has written, the time has not yet arrived when she can consider her task completed.

FWIW if I were in OP's position, I would not tell my son to leave my home - it doesn't matter how old he is; he's obviously not ready to cope with the rigours of life alone.

I would, I'd turf him out. If he's old enough to have a family, he's old enough to know how to behave.

He's probably got as bad as he's got because of his label and people making excuses for him his whole life.

Spamfree_2

Dunroamin wrote: »

Is she allowed to tell him to leave when he kills someone?

No.

She'll have to give him a hug and ask if he's alright.:mad:

bestpud

Spamfree wrote: »

No.

She'll have to give him a hug and ask if he's alright.:mad:

And then come on here to ask if it was really murder!

daska

*Robin* wrote: »

Quite. From what Mum has written, the time has not yet arrived when she can consider her task completed.

FWIW if I were in OP's position, I would not tell my son to leave my home - it doesn't matter how old he is; he's obviously not ready to cope with the rigours of life alone.

I'm not sure that kicking him out isn't part of the solution. If the OP can say hand on heart that she made every effort to clamp down on his behavioural problems and explored every avenue, then yes it probably is. I may be wrong, but I have strong doubts that she can say that. I suspect that the reason he's not ready to cope is because the OP hasn't prepared him and has, as suggested, made too many excuses for rather than dealing with either the causes or the symptoms. I don't regard the ADHD as an excuse, only an explanation, but I think a realistic evaluation of his lack of skills suggests he can't sort this out.

coolcait

Dunroamin wrote: »

In the case being discussed, the "child" is a man of 22 who is himself a father; the time for teaching is long gone.

Chronological age and the physical capability to create a child do not necessarily mean that you are dealing with a fully functioning adult.

The OP has suggested that her son's behaviour may have its roots in a recognised (if not always accepted) condition. That same condition may be part of the reason she is being a helicopter parent.

So, if that is her belief, she should (belatedly) helicopter him down to the doctor. Get him checked out and properly diagnosed.

If the medical diagnosis is that he truly does have a condition which makes him incapable of controlling his behaviour, or looking after himself, then she needs to decide how best to look after him - (belatedly) taking advice or guidance on how to manage his violence. This may mean that he has to go into some kind of care. It will definitely mean that his contact with the baby will have to be carefully managed.

If the medical diagnosis is that he is as capable as anyone else of controlling his behaviour, then she can (belatedly) help him find the appropriate counselling. Or she can follow your advice and kick him out to fend for himself.

The trouble with 'one size fits all' solutions is that they rarely fit anybody very well. 'Kick him out so/till he learns his lesson' might work in a lot of scenarios.

In this scenario - apart from him potentially having the kind of condition already described - there is a very real risk that 'kicking him out' of his parent's home will mean that he moves in with his gf and their baby.

Neither he nor his gf come across as particularly stable, or particularly capable of parenting. There will be no one to monitor them in the way the act around the baby, or towards the baby.

'Kicking him out' actually puts the baby at more risk than 'keeping him at home and getting him help'.

Someone else made that point on the first page. It is still a very powerful consideration, IMO.

coolcait

Dunroamin wrote: »

Is she allowed to tell him to leave when he kills someone?

Will telling him to leave stop him killing someone?

Dunroamin

coolcait wrote: »

Will telling him to leave stop him killing someone?

More chance of bringing him to his senses than suggesting he's ill rather than bad!

Should a woman with a violent husband carry on living with him because if she kicks him out he might kill someone else?