Is this assault?

daska

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Lastly, I'm afraid Op that you are still allowing him to act like a child. You're wiping his bum for him still - taking him to the Doctor, helping him find a flat etc. Yes he asked you, but you don't always have to capitulate - in fact it doesn't help him at all if you don't make him stand on his own two feet. Everything you say about the situation screams that you simply go along with what this young couple want....even down to you not knowing when the girlfriend is leaving. It's your house! You extend the invitation for X days - absolutely everything you say seems to shout that you are a reed bending in the storm that goes back and forth between these two. Time to grow some cojones lady!

Be realistic, he has a diagnosis of ADHD. We can infer from what she's written that he is impulsive, with inappropriate and unrestrained emotions and acts without regard to the consequences. All that is perfectly in keeping with his diagnosis. In addition he's almost certainly easily distracted, has difficulty concentrating on or finishing jobs, has difficulty processing information and in following instructions. Without help there is every chance that he wouldn't make it as far as the GP even if he started with the best of intentions. And that's not going as far as considering any co-morbid condition that might be affecting his behaviour.

Dunroamin wrote: »

I wonder how many people posting on here about getting him help and getting him to the doctors would be saying the same thing to the young man's partner.

Domestic violence is the same whether it's towards a spouse or any other family member.

Yes it is, but the OP has a choice as to whether she explores every avenue and a responsibility to acknowlege the consequences of not bothering. If she hasn't bothered then I would argue that it is at least partly her own fault.

And no, this poster hasn't inferred that she should go oh woe is me, poor little boy and shouldn't be tough with him either. But where there are medical problems it can be counter productive to concentrate on being tough at the expense of dealing with the underlying problem.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

Dunroamin wrote: »

The whole thread has been about passing judgement!

i havent passed judgement as bad as others have ive tried to be as opened minded as possible and give advice.

Spamfree_2

I suppose his behaviour will be determined by how many times people are willing to make excuses for him.

Dunroamin

I can't believe that people are arguing that the the family should put up with this just because this man once had a diagnosis of AHDH!

He should move out, seek help for himself and then his family could consider the situation when/if he resolves his problems.

coolcait

Dunroamin wrote: »

I can't believe that people are arguing that the the family should put up with this just because this man once had a diagnosis of AHDH!

He should move out, seek help for himself and then his family could consider the situation when/if he resolves his problems.

I don't think that anyone is arguing that at all.

I personally don't see it as an 'either/or' solution. Various things should be happening in tandem. Some of them are things which should have happened years ago, so may look incongruous when taking the son's current age into account. however, better late than never...

- the security of the baby is paramount. If that means that the baby is kept well away from his father, or that they are strictly supervised when together, so be it;

- the OP and her husband should be setting very clear boundaries for their son on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour;

- they should be setting out very clearly what the consequences of unacceptable behaviour will be, and making those consequences happen if he behaves unacceptably. That may include him having to leave the family home (although that may come with some risk to the baby);

- at the same time as taking those measures, they should also make him aware that he must see the GP, with a view to having him referred for further specialist help. If they think the best way to ensure that this happens is for one of his parents to accompany him, so be it. Whoever goes, it is vitally important that they are completely honest about all of the incidents, so that the GP has a clear idea of what needs to be done.

- the outcome of the medical assessments may provide some indicator as to what needs to be done next.

As I said before, if no attempt is made to deal with the violent person, they will simply keep on being violent - they'll just find new victims. Intervention won't always work, but it is worth giving it a go.

It is the violent person's responsibility to work on sorting out any issues they have, not the victim's. However, if the victim is willing to help the violent person try to access help, they have the right to do so.

Dunroamin

coolcait wrote: »

It is the violent person's responsibility to work on sorting out any issues they have, not the victim's. However, if the victim is willing to help the violent person try to access help, they have the right to do so.

Would you advise a wife whose husband beats her up to do that?

coolcait

atrixblue.-MFR-. wrote: »

she doesnt like to be touched in certain places or tapped neither do i, if I tell her somthing then my partner repeats it it frustrates her she could either sit in a strop or simply have a go at you or go off in a fit of rage.

It's a fair point that not everyone is comfortable with 'accepted' touching. So it's important to teach them ways to deal with that, without going in a strop, having a go, or going off in a fit of rage.

If you don't like being touched or tapped, then it's perfectly acceptable to say calmly "I don't like being touched/tapped. Please don't do it". It's also acceptable - and often advisable - to calmly take yourself out of the situation.

daska

Dunroamin wrote: »

Would you advise a wife whose husband beats her up to do that?

Would you advise a wife who's husband is violent not to help if possible? I had to work hard to get DS2's dad to agree to anger management and it did involve turfing him out of the house (and he's still not allowed back). I didn't 'put up with it', but for all our sakes I didn't stop at the tough part I did the responsible part as well! I find it quite offensive that you suggest that I shouldn't have done this - it was the sensible thing to do as it benefits me, our child, our other children, the rest of our families... It's not appropriate in all cases but identifying the cause of the behaviour and dealing with it is more effective in the long run than just punishing the behaviour.

But actually I don't think it's a direct analogy. The OP makes it clear this isn't new behaviour, she should have been seeking help while he was still a child. if she didn't then I think she needs to acknowledge that she has to bear some responsibility for it. That still doesn't involve just putting up with it - there have to be consequences to his actions or he won't learn any better - but due to the problem he might not be able to learn any better without help.

daska

coolcait wrote: »

It's a fair point that not everyone is comfortable with 'accepted' touching. So it's important to teach them ways to deal with that, without going in a strop, having a go, or going off in a fit of rage.

If you don't like being touched or tapped, then it's perfectly acceptable to say calmly "I don't like being touched/tapped. Please don't do it". It's also acceptable - and often advisable - to calmly take yourself out of the situation.

Doesn't sound as if he's ever been taught that. DS2 is hypersensitive to touch but at 5 we've finally got to the point that he's learning that he mustn't respond by hitting or kicking - now that his language skills are improving the punishment that seems to work for him is taking away his bed-time stories. Not sure that will work with the OP's son though LOL

coolcait

Dunroamin wrote: »

Would you advise a wife whose husband beats her up to do that?

There's no 'advice' in the paragraph you quoted. Rather, a couple of statements of fact:

"It is the violent person's responsibility to work on sorting out any issues they have, not the victim's. However, if the victim is willing to help the violent person try to access help, they have the right to do so."

So, I would definitely tell any victim of violence that:

"It is the violent person's responsibility to work on sorting out any issues they have, not the victim's."

In a scenario where the victim had indicated that they nevertheless wanted to help the violent person access help, I would recognise that "they have the right to do so".

Would you have a difficulty with my making those statements to a woman whose husband beats her up? If so, why?