Fed up with Mother In Law to be

ALIBOBSY

RE the phone, next crimbo he gets a PAYG phone for his crimbo pressie. You could either stick a figure for the year on and the rest of its is his problem or arrnge to put £15 a month on it and once its gone its gone.

If OH feels guilty about his mum and can't quite stop helping would it be better to give a set amount each month say £30-£50 and let her know thats it no more. At least you could budget for this.

TBH these are the sort of issues you need to sort before getting married as stuff like this can fester over time and cause marriages to fail.

Steph-if you marry him and move in nothing will change and you will end up cooking and cleaning for FIL as well. Might be better to rent somewhere together and let the FIL live in the house, but he will need to pay some rent. Down the line you may feel able to move in with FIL and as he gets older he may mellow and you both can perhaps find a middle ground.

Ali x

pollypenny

You have my sympathy, Faith! My MIL did the same, when we just about had two ha'pennies to rub together.

Like yours, she was extravagent in her spending and very generous to others, not OH. Luckily, this was before the days of mobiles etc and OH only fell for her pleas once.

Mojisola

ALIBOBSY wrote: »

TBH these are the sort of issues you need to sort before getting married as stuff like this can fester over time and cause marriages to fail.

Steph-if you marry him and move in nothing will change and you will end up cooking and cleaning for FIL as well. Might be better to rent somewhere together and let the FIL live in the house, but he will need to pay some rent. Down the line you may feel able to move in with FIL and as he gets older he may mellow and you both can perhaps find a middle ground.

Got to agree with this advice. You'd be crazy to get married before all this is sorted out. If your OH can't sort it out now, he certainly won't after the ceremony.

If you go ahead with the marriage, accept that this is what your life is going to be like for many years to come.

Archiebear

Faith177 wrote: »

She works as a cleaner for a gentlemen who has alzheimers. When he goes into hospital she does not get paid.

It seems to me that this is the root cause of the issue.

MIL is obviously aware that her job entails periods of time when she will not get paid.

Faith177 wrote: »

She has a partner (who doesn't work after being sacked from his last job)they have no mortgage and he has 10K sitting in ISA's and other accounts

This is compounding the issue.
Based on the fact that he has savings of £10K and yoursubsequent comments about claiming tax credits, I am making the assumption that he doesn’twork and isn’t claiming benefits (unless of course he is and just doesn’tdeclare his savings)

Faith177 wrote: »

When he phoned to ask why his mum got all upset and said shedidn't think to tell him the bill would be higher. This is on top of her mobile phone which OH also pays going from the usual £10 to £69 this month!!!

As your quote states ‘mum got all upset’, I see this as theleast worrying. The brother is old enough to have a conversation with and he should be treated separately from issues with MIL whois using emotional blackmail to force you into upping your payment.

It will be a very difficult conversation to have with your fiance but have it you must!

1. Explain to fiance how much your relationship/future means to you.

2. Explain also, that you understand he wants to support his family however, you would prefer this not to be at the expense ofyour relationship/ future together

3. Say that you think it is not unrealistic forMIL/ partner to take responsibility for their finances. They have options:

Option 1: each payday MIL sets aside a portion of her wages to cover the lean times (this is common practice especially for the self employed)

Option 2: MIL takes on an additional cleaning job or registers with an agency

Option 3: MIL’s partner finds employment.

If MIL/partner cannot or will not take responsibility for their own finances then, as a couple, you need to present a united front and state that as of {insert a date of your choice} all financial support ends. AND THEN STICK TO IT!!
I wish you both the very best of luck....

Archiebear

Forgot to add another option!!

1. Stop paying MIL's phone bill..... then she won't be able to call your fiance to ask for money:rotfl::rotfl:

Northern_Princess

I will most likely get crucified for this post but I do think some problems with inlaws are easily sorted. My hubby paid his mums mortgage before and when we met, her mobile bill as well as his younger sisters mobile bill. The way I saw it was who was I to interfere, after all his family had been around a long time before I came into his life. I would have hated hubby to come into my life and tell me that I shouldn't do x y or z for my family.

Archiebear

I agree Northern Princess but this one has clearly reached crisis point....for one person in the relationship at least

Mojisola

Northern_Princess wrote: »

I will most likely get crucified for this post but I do think some problems with inlaws are easily sorted. My hubby paid his mums mortgage before and when we met, her mobile bill as well as his younger sisters mobile bill. The way I saw it was who was I to interfere, after all his family had been around a long time before I came into his life. I would have hated hubby to come into my life and tell me that I shouldn't do x y or z for my family.

Faith177 wrote: »

I'm getting sick of it we are struggling to save for our wedding and she keeps poncing on OH.

As it is his mum he feels it is hard to say no to her as she lays on the guilt trips but I'm at the end of my tether. I work two jobs while she sits around still able to smoke 20-30 a day and consume a couple of bottles of bacardi every weekend

I don't know what to say to OH to get him to stop giving her money and I can see that if it goes on much longer it's going to become a real issue.

this on top of all the other horrible things she has done it is really the last straw

If Faith's OH could afford to support his family as well as save for themselves, I don't suppose she would be concerned about it.

If Faith's OH's family were pulling their weight and working but still needed some help, I don't suppose she would be concerned about it.

If Faith's OH's mother had not done other things that have upset Faith, I don't suppose she would be concerned about it.

londonsurrey

Paying for X, Y and Z are all very well.

The danger signs are the X, Y and Z, although well defined, are NEVER enough with this woman. She is consigning the extra phone bill amounts as being payable by Faith's OH.

She hasn't paid back the tv money to Faith, over a year after the event, not even a partial payment. How many other amounts has she "borrowed" from her son that haven't been paid back?

If Faith's OH is serious about drawing boundaries, he can total up the monies owed, say no more is forthcoming, and then for future birthdays, Christmases, etc, they get £20-£200(whatever the usual present amount is) deducted from the total owed. Simple.

If he sticks to it, Faith can see that he intends to stop the mother's parasitic behaviour. Otherwise, she can see that he has this unhealthy relationship going on, and she can make an informed decision as to whether she wants to base her future with him and her. Because if it goes on, Faith's future will be very much tied up with the MIL's leeching habits.

I've had variations of this from my own mother (a qualified solicitor, but still wanted everything from me) and my MIL for 19 years, so I do have an idea as to how difficult and painful and fruitless it can be to deal with such leeches.

Northern_Princess

Mojisola wrote: »

If Faith's OH could afford to support his family as well as save for themselves, I don't suppose she would be concerned about it


If Faith's OH's family were pulling their weight and working but still needed some help, I don't suppose she would be concerned about it.

If Faith's OH's mother had not done other things that have upset Faith, I don't suppose she would be concerned about it.

There is always two sides to a story. I have watched many people moan about their MIL's simply because mum was (in their view) being unfair. Perhaps her son is happy with the current arrangement therefor why not support him?

I never understand partners who have grievances about ther fianc!e/husbands/wives parents. Personally I never have had an issue with my hubby supporting his family in any way, and I would never have expected him to comment on me helping my parents when they were alive. The way I see it is some DIL's cause a lot of issues that do not need to be issues at all. I believe it is up to Faiths OH to make the decision not to continue helping out his parent/siblings financially if that is what he chooses to do. It certainly is not her decision to make.