It's over. Betrayed, heartbroken, jobless, homeless. (long, sorry, venting)

Mischa8

Mojisola wrote: »

They're not married so, from a Christian point of view, they are now "living in sin". How does he have any standing in the church now, without considering the new scheme?

Exactly. they are not married so it doesn't look good on both of them really. as they are as Mojisola says 'living in sin'.

The church probably doesn't even know about his partner (ostrich) or doesn't know they are living together.

she could throw herself on the mercy of the pastor/church but even then it depends, they could see her as *not a church member and therefore fine to be ignored etc* or could embrace her and berate him. knowing some churches they'd probably believe him.

she could try blackmail or separating herself from the mistress. Blackmail may work very well with her (mistress) as she would not want husband or church to know she (mistress) has sinned outside her marriage or whatever.

some of these churches are awful though, not had direct experience but a friend has had and they were very harsh to her, for all sorts of reasons. Even the pastor berated my friend for all sorts of reasons, relating to an abusive relationship and otherwise. OP should count herself lucky that she isn't (I hope) a church member.

daska

Mojisola wrote: »

They're not married so, from a Christian point of view, they are now "living in sin". How does he have any standing in the church now, without considering the new scheme?

Yes, exactly the point I obviously failed to make. By being eager to comply with church teachings and naming the other woman to the pastor/elders/whoever it's possible she could effectively put the mockers on her as well - which could lead to a somewhat colder reception for him. But the only way she can do this is to come over as wanting to commit fully to him - i.e. legally, religiously etc - at which point he is placed firmly in the wrong from every standpoint.

elona

daska

I like the way you think!!!

Asking other woman for some recipes because he only wants to stay with other woman because of the food should lead to an interesting reaction as well.

Slinky

Does cake figure highly on the list of things this other woman cooks.......

Welshwoofs

What a total and utter ar-sehat the guy is.

Op, in your position I'd get my legal ducks in the row to get as much as you can out of the business and then toddle off to his pastor, turn on the water-works and say that you really need his help because he's informed you that he wants to embark on a polyamorous lifestyle and though you're not a member of his church, this is against your own deep-rooted christian values (yup, don't mention your'e a non-believer) and you fear for his soul.

Make sure everyone in his community knows he's about as moral as Garry Glitter and then fuski off to let him deal with the fall-out.

ostrichnomore_2

hello, me again, phew what a couple of weeks. I'm up and down like a yo-yo, still, it's all such a weird breakup/situation I just can't get my head round it.

I found proof that 'they' are a lot more involved than he was admitting to me, and all these lies have made it worse really. I knew he was not telling me the whole story anyway, but without proof you end up thinking maybe you are wrong...but I wasn't. I took myself down to the STD clinic last week just to be on the safe side.

I'm alternating between days of fury, days of heartbreak, and a few days of calm acceptance. It would be better if had just been honest with me.

There's no way on earth I would ever lower myself to agreeing to his 'arrangement' so don't worry on that score.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do re the business and in the meantime I've returned to the office. Difficult but I'm managing so far.

I do still love him but I hate what he's done and the way he's behaving. I wish I could just flick a switch and not love him any more but it's never that easy, is it. It will take time.

He's telling his family today and I wish I could hear what he tells them. Pack of lies probably. Or at least I doubt very much he's going to tell them about the other woman, it'll be the same daft story he tried to sell me on. His sisters are smart ladies though, I think they'll see through it, and they've always been very supportive of me in the past. I don't really have direct contact with them (they don't live in UK) but I hope they give him hell!

One of the 'proofs' I found really rankles with me. I know it's silly to obsess over details but this was such a slap in the face. He works 6 days a week, won't do anything on the other day but rest and watch TV, we've never had a proper holiday together. All we've ever done is two weekend getaways in the UK. But now he is taking 'her' off on a two week Caribbean holiday in November. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I confronted him on this, and how was it right even if I'd said yes to his arrangement for her to be shown such favouritism, after 10 years of sacrifices wouldn't I have been the one to deserve a nice holiday? His only response was that it would have been my turn later!

I know he's a knob. I know I'm better off without him.

But I love him and I can't help wanting to be with him. I've known couples get through affairs etc and come out stronger as they fix what went wrong in their relationship. I've asked him to consider trying again, but he won't.

I don't think I'll really accept it's happened until he goes off to her house next weekend. That's going to be a hard week for me.

How do you speed up the process of falling out of love with someone?

go_cat

You can't make yourself fall out of love with someone unfortunately.

I would write a list of all his behaviour that you hate e.g him taking her in holiday etc. when you are feeling a bit low look at the list and think what a lucky escape you had. I am guessing it will be quite a long list!!

Oh and I agree he is a complete knob and you are better off on your own

mrs_sparrow

I agree, a long list of the good things about him and then the bad - I can assure you that you'll look at the list and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him!! And keep it with you, in your bag or purse, so you can remind yourself if ever you ever find yourself considering the arrangement.

elona

If you wrote a list of what you wanted in a partner/ husband what would it be?

Kind, honest. loyal, trustworthy. reliable, faithful etc.

Or what you actually have -

Unkind, dishonest. disloyal, untrustworthy, unreliable. unfaithful and downright cruel!

It is almost psychopathic!

diable

Keep cool and plot your next move, he is off in November for two weeks so make sure that you get hold of his assets (not those ones) and get yourself in to a better financial position.

Oh and let us all know where you live so we can all come around to cheer you up and party hard for two weeks