It's over. Betrayed, heartbroken, jobless, homeless. (long, sorry, venting)

DVardysShadow

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Everytime I read one of the nice things someone has said about me on this thread it makes me cry. I hope I am all those things. It's a shame it's not appreciated in real life.

Still not good, had rather a Jeremy Kyle style night last night, half the time I was like Jeremy and showing up what rubbish he was talking, half the time I was going loony like one of the guests, which I am ashamed of, but there you go. There's bound to be a bit of a reaction.

*sigh* he seems to have finally accepted that I'm not going to agree to this and we did have quite a session on whether what he was asking was ok or not. I think some of my points hit home to some extent, not that it makes any real difference, but it's just adding to my anger that he is refusing to accept responsibility for ending this.

I have to admit to feeling a tiny bit sorry for him. Because of his inability to sort himself out. As I see it, you are strong enough and controlled enough to manage this situation and keep him on the straight and narrow. But would you want to? Because I think for you, mutual respect is an important part of a relationship and I don't think you are going to regain that respect for him.

I don't think you should be in a desperate hurry to move out - besides the fact that it portrays you in the wrong, you should just take your time to sort out what you want to do and get everything together to do it. And I don't see much point in taking it to his pastor or his church either if this is to embarrass rather than to seek help in putting things back together. And I don't see much point in speaking to this other woman either.

You have had a few moments of being a Jeremy Kyle contestant [probably the right 'wrong' word] and that is understandable. But through it you are showing dignity and poise. I think that keeping these will be the best thing you can do and will give you most options going forward.

Mischa8

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi

Take a look at my previous thread for a bit of background.

Says it all really. I am so stupid.

He told me a few weeks ago he was planning big changes in his life, wanted to get back to his own culture more (he isn't from UK), he's getting older, wants to live the sort of life he wants to live beofre he dies etc etc...more church, more the music he loves, more his own culture's food etc. Oh but he wasn't thinking of leaving me, but he'd tell me in a few weeks about his implementation plan for all the changes. I can let you imagine my reaction to that. I have no problem with changes. But the way it was all announced it was obviously something bad coming. I ended up shoving his birthday present at him (a special CD set of one of his cultures cult musicians and a big hero for him that I had to order in specially, so I've always actually tried to encourage him to have more of his 'culture' stuff but he is the one who resists it. When his kids ask him questions about it, for example, he refuses to answer them!)

anyway, I wrote him a long letter explaining how I felt and that I never came between him and his culture but that I can't ever be one of his countries women if that's what he really wants, that I loved him, and that i felt hurt by how he treated me, and that I wanted things to work between us. Things died down and I just let it go (again).

So tonight he sat down, wanted to talk, stared fixedly in the opposite direction and talked round the houses for a while about again wanting more of his own culture, how much he misses the food and going to restaurants isn't the same, and he wants to listen to music he likes and watch TV he wants to (I don't stop him! he hasn't even opened that CD set 2 months later for example even though I know he was always searching for anything by that singer and really loves his music and didn't have any!), how he wants to be more involved in the church, and do work for the church, and have church meeting at home now and then....and I nodded along as all this is fine by me, but with a sick sinking feeling in my gut because the way he is talking there's obviously something bad coming.

so, he says, how to make all this happen. Hmmm. His implementation plan. Well, he doesn't want to try to force me to be something I'm not. so he is going to take a room somewhere and spend half his life with me and half his life there. Where's that exactly, I say? (sinking heart). With a woman I vaguely know from his culture, he says. Are you having a relationship with her, I ask. Not currently, is the reply. !!!!!! does that mean, I say. After a bit of faffing around and not wanting to answer, he says they haven't been in a relationship but they are going to start one. It turns out it means that for the last year they have been planning and discussing this. they haven't yet had sex, but he does want to have a relationship with her. She first said no as 'it would be wrong' but now she's changed her mind. she is very very religious as well, in fact she works for a church. they are both 'devout' evangelical Christians, would you believe. apparantely it isn't being unfaithful or cheating as he's asked my permission!

According to him I am being closed minded and need to open my eyes to how other people live. Pretty much his only comment is 'you don't need to go'. Well, yes, I do.

I also work with him so I am going to be homeless (it's his house, all bills are in his name, there's no equity anyway and frankly I wouldnt' want anything if he begged me to take it). He also thinks that I don't need to stop working with him, whether I agree to this arrangement or if I leave.Riiiiiiight.

Oh yes. It's 'an arrangement'. apparently I don't understand. I'm wrong to think about the relationship with her as important. It's not love, it's not a big romance, it's just part of having that cultural lifestyle half the time.....and he can say that with a straight face.

there is polygamy in his country but mainly for people of a different religion/tribe, his family isn't polygamous and he's always been scathing about it in relation to other people, in the past. but now it seems his mid-life 'bucket list' includes having two women on the trot. Wife number one and wife number two. And I'm soooooooo unreasonable to say no to this.

I find it disgusting. I'm supposed to kiss him goodbye for a week then welcome him back and kiss him hello and all the rest after knowing he's been having it off all week with some !!!!!!. He also says it's not about the sex.

But if I say, so it's not love, it's not sex, but it's worth throwing away our life together, our home together and our business together (actually we own and run a business together but he is majority partner, so it all gets even more complex) for nothing much? He says I don't understand, and talks about the other aspects. when I say he could do all those other things - food, music, culture, etc etc - without having to have a relationship with another woman he says I don't understand, and I'm putting the least important thing (his relationship with her) first and it's not.

What? This doesn't just sound ridiculous to me, right? Actually it sounds downright disgusting.

Oh and to add to the fun the woman is a business contact of our that we deal with regularly. I'm supposed to deal with her at work and then let him trot off to her dinner and her bed every other week. That's his plan. alternating weeks with me and her.

I just don't understand how he could do this to me. Despite all this, I don't think he is a bad person or a git. I've been cheated on twice before and they were gits. This is a decent man. A kind hard-wroking pillar of the community type man. If he can't be trusted, then frankly, I'll never trust another man as long as I live.

so I don't know. What do I want? Sympathy? I'm not sure I deserve it for being so bloody thick. Advice? Oh god. I'm nearly 50. I have no money (might get a little bit together), I'll be homeless and jobless. I can't let my parents find out about this as they are very elderly and have their own massive problem/worry right now and this additional worry could kill them. I have friends and family but we are all too old to have some pathetic refugee kipping on the sofa. I'm so humiliated. It's happened to me again. My husband ran off with my best friend. My only other serious relationship did exactly the same thing as this - it turned out he was living with someone else all along and wanted us to get together as a kinky threesome.

Either all men are !!!!!!!s or there's something about me that attract the bad ones. I'm staying clear from now on. Probably turn into a mad cat lady but the worst they do to you is sneak into another house and have a second dinner, and enjoy getting stroked by the other person,...oh hang on....bloody hell, he is a dirty little 'oh be kind to me I'm starving and neglected' con merchant tomcat!

I've asked to stay in the spare room until I can find another job. I can't go into work again. How can I sit there running a company with him, with all our employees there knowing we are 'together', and dealing with the !!!!!! who's stolen him, and look at this face knowing he was with another woman the night before, yet he really thinks that's a possibility.

And yet he thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's my fault if this all comes to an end as 'you don't have to leave'. He's even trying to say he would have been perfectly happy if I'd come home and told him I was going to spend half my life with him and half with another man. Yeah right.

WOW. sorry, long vent.

Ladies, take my story as a warning. If it's staring you in the face, no matter how nice and decent he seems to be, he's a !!!!!!! and you should get out.

Dont' waste your life on these scumbags. I wasted what was left of my youth on this one. My life is in ruins. I have to start from scratch in every way. That's not easy at my age.

I know our relationship wasn't perfect but who's is? I loved him so much. My heart is broken. How could he do this to me? Why? Why? He can't even be honest and tell me he loves her or why. Just stupid comments about wanting his own culture. It's bad enough without someone saying you mean so little to them that they will destroy everything for someone else they don't even love. It's killing me. How can he throw everything away for nothing....he says I just don't understand. Clearly a few African dinners mean more to him than I do.

Oh yeah, and just so you understand how important his culture is to him, there's been a new glossy magazine launched (free online sub) for people from his country living in the UK, I found out about it by accident, but I forwarded the link to him. He replied by email saying thanks but not interested.

I'm sorry to have to be harsh but at almost 50 relying completely on this man and not sewing things up (both with business and house) legally is *extremely* unwise of you. Did you never think of consulting a solicitor and at least drawing up some documents here?

and you haven't been saving whilst you've been with him or before??

of course I feel sorry for you in this situation.

quote:- I just don't understand how he could do this to me. Despite all this, I don't think he is a bad person or a git. I've been cheated on twice before and they were gits. This is a decent man. A kind hard-wroking pillar of the community type man. If he can't be trusted, then frankly, I'll never trust another man as long as I live.

see above - some Men DO DO THIS to women. without shame or reason etc. Yes he is a bad person and a git. he is in no way decent or to be trusted. if he could be trusted like I say he would have helped you out legally re busines and house. He just seems to have a very slick way of pulling the wool over you eyes in more ways than one. The worrying thing is you're believing his lies. I'd see a therapist about that. they will help you sort the wheat from the chaff.

All he seems to be wanting/offering now is *spare part* in relationship, spare room in his house and spare part as share in business you own/run. HE WILL HAVE CONTROL over ALL of this. I have no ideas where you stand legally (I don't think at all) so I'd just cut myself off and start afresh.

sorry if I sound harsh but you seem to have been quite naive in trusting this man.

Pollycat

Mischa8 wrote: »

I'm sorry to have to be harsh but at almost 50 relying completely on this man and not sewing things up (both with business and house) legally is *extremely* unwise of you. Did you never think of consulting a solicitor and at least drawing up some documents here?

and you haven't been saving whilst you've been with him or before??

I'm sure the OP wishes that she had done things differently.
But she didn't.

The situation is as it is and berating her for not thinking to protect herself is going to do her no good at all.

Mischa8 wrote: »

sorry if I sound harsh but you seem to have been quite naive in trusting this man.

Yes you do sound harsh - and apologising about it (twice) doesn't fool me. :cool:

Mischa8

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm sure the OP wishes that she had done things differently.
But she didn't.

The situation is as it is and berating her for not thinking to protect herself is going to do her no good at all.



Yes you do sound harsh - and apologising about it (twice) doesn't fool me. :cool:

Actually I was apologising so I sounded nicer. Harsh may not to be anyone's tastes (let alone OPs) but it is realistic.

As pitiful as her situation is she is very foolish not to get legal advice at least being in a business partnership.

last time I read here it was more for practical advice not doling out tea and sympathy over failed relationships.

and yes, at nearly 50 she SHOULD know better. no wonder she doesn't want her friends/family to know or ask them for help as they will say/think as I do.

Pollycat

Mischa8 wrote: »

Actually I was apologising so I sounded nicer. Harsh may not to be anyone's tastes (let alone OPs) but it is realistic.

I'm blunt, I don't dole out tea and sympathy but I think my post from several days ago was more realistic than yours.

Pollycat wrote: »

Wow! I really thought that nothing I would ever read on here would shock me - but this has!

I'm so sorry to read about your circumstances.

A few of my thoughts to some of the things in your post:

He is deluded.
How other people live?
I would say only a very,very tiny minority of men would expect their partner to accept what he is expecting you to put up with.

He is a bad person.
He is not, by any stretch of anybody's imagination, a decent man.

I hope you get some really good advice from your post on the Benefits board.

I would get myself down to CAB asap for advice on housing options, benefits and what (if anything) you are entitled to from the house and him.

Try not to antagonise him by letting him know you know about certain things (not that he doesn't deserve it), best keep your secrets and maybe you can find out more stuff.
If he thinks you've got access to some of his information, he'll start cutting you off from that access.

Good luck.

Do you see?
No tea and sympathy there.
But equally no telling the OP she's been naive or having a dig about not saving.

Mischa8 wrote: »

As pitiful as her situation is she is very foolish not to get legal advice at least being in a business partnership.

Hasn't it occurred to you that the OP now realises that?
I've already said there's no point belabouring that fact.

Mischa8 wrote: »

last time I read here it was more for practical advice not doling out tea and sympathy over failed relationships.

It must be a while since you were on here.
A lot of people provide a shoulder to cry on on this board.

Mischa8 wrote: »

and yes, at nearly 50 she SHOULD know better. no wonder she doesn't want her friends/family to know or ask them for help as they will say/think as I do.

I'm sure the OP realises that she should have known better - regardless of her age.
I've already said there's no point belabouring that fact.

I would like to think that the OP's family and friends would have more sympathy with the unfortunate situation that the OP has found herself in than you have shown in your posts.

Scorpio33

Oh My God!!

All I can say is what an absolute TW*T!!!! SC*MBAG and !!!!!!!!!


He is wrong wrong wrong!!

I know that won't change anything, but I just wanted to say that. Just be grateful you found this out before you married him or had kids with him.

And I am sure you do know - but not all us men are like this scumbag.



Only piece of advice I can give is to try and get things with the business more formalised to give you something legal to stand on, and look for another job and place to live pronto!!

Good luck with the future!

HeadAboveWater

Just found this thread and wanted to offer my support. You must be going through such a tough time at the minute. I'm glad some of the posts on here have given you a boost. Hope those tears were happy tears

ostrichnomore wrote: »

He's still trying hard to persuade me to stay in the business. I'm going to think about that for a bit, not rush in or out of anything, as I have to do what's best for me long-term. No point adding to the damage done to me by acting rashly. I still don't see how I can go into the office and act normal every day though. We'll see. I suppose I have to take that as a compliment of sorts - hell hath no fury and all that, if I'd stuffed someone over I'd be removing all their access to the business immediately just in case. But he knows he can trust me. I have no interest in damaging the business even though I could pretty much destroy it in a few hours if I wanted without even leaving home. For one thing, I'd be stuffing over my employees and they don't deserve to be harmed by all this.

Do what's right for you in this matter. Only you know if it's somewhere you'll be able to face going to every day after everything that has happened. And I applaud the fact that despite the hurt and anger, you know it's not fair on your employees to damage the business. Revenge would have been sweet otherwise!

ostrichnomore wrote: »

So, still desperately hurt, still very confused, but calming down a bit. I want to speak to 'her' and I tried phoning a few times yesterday but no answer. so I've told him to tell her to pick up the phone to me later as I think I deserve a few explanations from her side as well. And I'd much rather do that on the phone than be forced to go and do it face to face. And seeing as the only place I know I'll find her is at the church, I'm sure she'd much rather do it on the phone as well. I just want a few answers, and yes, the opportunity to say a few things to her as well. Maybe I'll chuck some of those bible quotes from earlier at her. I'll try and keep it dignified.

Fair play to you! I dunno if I'd have the strength to confront the other person, but I know you need answers too. Quote the bible by all means. I'm from a Christian background but would class myself as the 'black sheep' of the family as I'm not following the way they would want me to. If religion is what they live for, then 'kindly' pointing out where they're contradicting themselves or whatever will hurt.

ostrichnomore wrote: »

I haven't told anyone in real life yet, I was in such disbelief I think, I woke up this morning wondering why I was in the spare room and it took me a few seconds to hit me. I still can't believe it. It's all so bizarre!

MASSIVE *hugs*

ostrichnomore wrote: »

You are all at it, at least he's being open and not doing it behind my back.

Whether he's being open or secretive is irrelevant. It's W.R.O.N.G.!! It's not even like there were any problems in your relationship for him to go look elsewhere. I just can't believe that he thought you'd agree to the 'arrangement'. Unbelievable!! :mad:

Chin up and keep smiling. You are a strong person and will get through this. You have done nothing wrong. Hold your head high

And remember, no man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry

*hug*

katie1812

Definitely walk away. I can't believe someone would do this - culture or not. I would not stand for that at all. All the best to you

ALIBOBSY

You need to see a solicitor both about the business and the house. Just because its in his name and you are not married doesn't mean you have no claim on it. If you have lived there for a resonably length of time and contributed to all the bills then you have a claim against the property.

You could say you to him you will take either the house or the business and walk away. Point out if he doesn't agree you can drag things out and make claims against both the business and house as well as dragging his good name through the mud and preventing him and "her" moving on.

Good luck OP, harden your heart to this man and don't let him walk all over you.

ali x

Padstow

Quote
" I have no ideas where you stand legally (I don't think at all) so I'd just cut myself off and start afresh" Quote.

If you have no idea then why suggest she walks away? Best keep advice when you have "no ideas" to yourself.


OP does in fact have a legal partnership agreement, and as they are not married and she works in the business, it carries far more weight than if they were married.


As for feeling shame and or embarrassment? Yes it's difficult.
I hid for a long time through feeling a fool. Problem solved when the village gossip spotted me when I had to leave the house to shop.

She of course had it it sussed, I confirmed, and the whole region knew by morning.