It's over. Betrayed, heartbroken, jobless, homeless. (long, sorry, venting)

ostrichnomore_2

Hi

Take a look at my previous thread for a bit of background.

Says it all really. I am so stupid.

He told me a few weeks ago he was planning big changes in his life, wanted to get back to his own culture more (he isn't from UK), he's getting older, wants to live the sort of life he wants to live beofre he dies etc etc...more church, more the music he loves, more his own culture's food etc. Oh but he wasn't thinking of leaving me, but he'd tell me in a few weeks about his implementation plan for all the changes. I can let you imagine my reaction to that. I have no problem with changes. But the way it was all announced it was obviously something bad coming. I ended up shoving his birthday present at him (a special CD set of one of his cultures cult musicians and a big hero for him that I had to order in specially, so I've always actually tried to encourage him to have more of his 'culture' stuff but he is the one who resists it. When his kids ask him questions about it, for example, he refuses to answer them!)

anyway, I wrote him a long letter explaining how I felt and that I never came between him and his culture but that I can't ever be one of his countries women if that's what he really wants, that I loved him, and that i felt hurt by how he treated me, and that I wanted things to work between us. Things died down and I just let it go (again).

So tonight he sat down, wanted to talk, stared fixedly in the opposite direction and talked round the houses for a while about again wanting more of his own culture, how much he misses the food and going to restaurants isn't the same, and he wants to listen to music he likes and watch TV he wants to (I don't stop him! he hasn't even opened that CD set 2 months later for example even though I know he was always searching for anything by that singer and really loves his music and didn't have any!), how he wants to be more involved in the church, and do work for the church, and have church meeting at home now and then....and I nodded along as all this is fine by me, but with a sick sinking feeling in my gut because the way he is talking there's obviously something bad coming.

so, he says, how to make all this happen. Hmmm. His implementation plan. Well, he doesn't want to try to force me to be something I'm not. so he is going to take a room somewhere and spend half his life with me and half his life there. Where's that exactly, I say? (sinking heart). With a woman I vaguely know from his culture, he says. Are you having a relationship with her, I ask. Not currently, is the reply. !!!!!! does that mean, I say. After a bit of faffing around and not wanting to answer, he says they haven't been in a relationship but they are going to start one. It turns out it means that for the last year they have been planning and discussing this. they haven't yet had sex, but he does want to have a relationship with her. She first said no as 'it would be wrong' but now she's changed her mind. she is very very religious as well, in fact she works for a church. they are both 'devout' evangelical Christians, would you believe. apparantely it isn't being unfaithful or cheating as he's asked my permission!

According to him I am being closed minded and need to open my eyes to how other people live. Pretty much his only comment is 'you don't need to go'. Well, yes, I do.

I also work with him so I am going to be homeless (it's his house, all bills are in his name, there's no equity anyway and frankly I wouldnt' want anything if he begged me to take it). He also thinks that I don't need to stop working with him, whether I agree to this arrangement or if I leave.Riiiiiiight.

Oh yes. It's 'an arrangement'. apparently I don't understand. I'm wrong to think about the relationship with her as important. It's not love, it's not a big romance, it's just part of having that cultural lifestyle half the time.....and he can say that with a straight face.

there is polygamy in his country but mainly for people of a different religion/tribe, his family isn't polygamous and he's always been scathing about it in relation to other people, in the past. but now it seems his mid-life 'bucket list' includes having two women on the trot. Wife number one and wife number two. And I'm soooooooo unreasonable to say no to this.

I find it disgusting. I'm supposed to kiss him goodbye for a week then welcome him back and kiss him hello and all the rest after knowing he's been having it off all week with some !!!!!!. He also says it's not about the sex.

But if I say, so it's not love, it's not sex, but it's worth throwing away our life together, our home together and our business together (actually we own and run a business together but he is majority partner, so it all gets even more complex) for nothing much? He says I don't understand, and talks about the other aspects. when I say he could do all those other things - food, music, culture, etc etc - without having to have a relationship with another woman he says I don't understand, and I'm putting the least important thing (his relationship with her) first and it's not.

What? This doesn't just sound ridiculous to me, right? Actually it sounds downright disgusting.

Oh and to add to the fun the woman is a business contact of our that we deal with regularly. I'm supposed to deal with her at work and then let him trot off to her dinner and her bed every other week. That's his plan. alternating weeks with me and her.

I just don't understand how he could do this to me. Despite all this, I don't think he is a bad person or a git. I've been cheated on twice before and they were gits. This is a decent man. A kind hard-wroking pillar of the community type man. If he can't be trusted, then frankly, I'll never trust another man as long as I live.

so I don't know. What do I want? Sympathy? I'm not sure I deserve it for being so bloody thick. Advice? Oh god. I'm nearly 50. I have no money (might get a little bit together), I'll be homeless and jobless. I can't let my parents find out about this as they are very elderly and have their own massive problem/worry right now and this additional worry could kill them. I have friends and family but we are all too old to have some pathetic refugee kipping on the sofa. I'm so humiliated. It's happened to me again. My husband ran off with my best friend. My only other serious relationship did exactly the same thing as this - it turned out he was living with someone else all along and wanted us to get together as a kinky threesome.

Either all men are !!!!!!!s or there's something about me that attract the bad ones. I'm staying clear from now on. Probably turn into a mad cat lady but the worst they do to you is sneak into another house and have a second dinner, and enjoy getting stroked by the other person,...oh hang on....bloody hell, he is a dirty little 'oh be kind to me I'm starving and neglected' con merchant tomcat!

I've asked to stay in the spare room until I can find another job. I can't go into work again. How can I sit there running a company with him, with all our employees there knowing we are 'together', and dealing with the !!!!!! who's stolen him, and look at this face knowing he was with another woman the night before, yet he really thinks that's a possibility.

And yet he thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's my fault if this all comes to an end as 'you don't have to leave'. He's even trying to say he would have been perfectly happy if I'd come home and told him I was going to spend half my life with him and half with another man. Yeah right.

WOW. sorry, long vent.

Ladies, take my story as a warning. If it's staring you in the face, no matter how nice and decent he seems to be, he's a !!!!!!! and you should get out.

Dont' waste your life on these scumbags. I wasted what was left of my youth on this one. My life is in ruins. I have to start from scratch in every way. That's not easy at my age.

I know our relationship wasn't perfect but who's is? I loved him so much. My heart is broken. How could he do this to me? Why? Why? He can't even be honest and tell me he loves her or why. Just stupid comments about wanting his own culture. It's bad enough without someone saying you mean so little to them that they will destroy everything for someone else they don't even love. It's killing me. How can he throw everything away for nothing....he says I just don't understand. Clearly a few African dinners mean more to him than I do.

Oh yeah, and just so you understand how important his culture is to him, there's been a new glossy magazine launched (free online sub) for people from his country living in the UK, I found out about it by accident, but I forwarded the link to him. He replied by email saying thanks but not interested.

eskimo26

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi

Take a look at my previous thread for a bit of background.

Says it all really. I am so stupid.

He told me a few weeks ago he was planning big changes in his life, wanted to get back to his own culture more (he isn't from UK), he's getting older, wants to live the sort of life he wants to live before he dies etc etc...more church, more the music he loves, more his own culture's food etc. Oh but he wasn't thinking of leaving me, but he'd tell me in a few weeks about his implementation plan for all the changes. I can let you imagine my reaction to that. I have no problem with changes. But the way it was all announced it was obviously something bad coming. I ended up shoving his birthday present at him (a special CD set of one of his cultures cult musicians and a big hero for him that I had to order in specially, so I've always actually tried to encourage him to have more of his 'culture' stuff but he is the one who resists it. When his kids ask him questions about it, for example, he refuses to answer them!)

anyway, I wrote him a long letter explaining how I felt and that I never came between him and his culture but that I can't ever be one of his countries women if that's what he really wants, that I loved him, and that i felt hurt by how he treated me, and that I wanted things to work between us. Things died down and I just let it go (again).

So tonight he sat down, wanted to talk, stared fixedly in the opposite direction and talked round the houses for a while about again wanting more of his own culture, how much he misses the food and going to restaurants isn't the same, and he wants to listen to music he likes and watch TV he wants to (I don't stop him! he hasn't even opened that CD set 2 months later for example even though I know he was always searching for anything by that singer and really loves his music and didn't have any!), how he wants to be more involved in the church, and do work for the church, and have church meeting at home now and then....and I nodded along as all this is fine by me, but with a sick sinking feeling in my gut because the way he is talking there's obviously something bad coming.

so, he says, how to make all this happen. Hmmm. His implementation plan. Well, he doesn't want to try to force me to be something I'm not. so he is going to take a room somewhere and spend half his life with me and half his life there. Where's that exactly, I say? (sinking heart). With a woman I vaguely know from his culture, he says. Are you having a relationship with her, I ask. Not currently, is the reply. !!!!!! does that mean, I say. After a bit of faffing around and not wanting to answer, he says they haven't been in a relationship but they are going to start one. It turns out it means that for the last year they have been planning and discussing this. they haven't yet had sex, but he does want to have a relationship with her. She first said no as 'it would be wrong' but now she's changed her mind. she is very very religious as well, in fact she works for a church. they are both 'devout' evangelical Christians, would you believe. apparantely it isn't being unfaithful or cheating as he's asked my permission!

According to him I am being closed minded and need to open my eyes to how other people live. Pretty much his only comment is 'you don't need to go'. Well, yes, I do.

I also work with him so I am going to be homeless (it's his house, all bills are in his name, there's no equity anyway and frankly I wouldnt' want anything if he begged me to take it). He also thinks that I don't need to stop working with him, whether I agree to this arrangement or if I leave.Riiiiiiight.

Oh yes. It's 'an arrangement'. apparently I don't understand. I'm wrong to think about the relationship with her as important. It's not love, it's not a big romance, it's just part of having that cultural lifestyle half the time.....and he can say that with a straight face.

there is polygamy in his country but mainly for people of a different religion/tribe, his family isn't polygamous and he's always been scathing about it in relation to other people, in the past. but now it seems his mid-life 'bucket list' includes having two women on the trot. Wife number one and wife number two. And I'm soooooooo unreasonable to say no to this.

I find it disgusting. I'm supposed to kiss him goodbye for a week then welcome him back and kiss him hello and all the rest after knowing he's been having it off all week with some !!!!!!. He also says it's not about the sex.

But if I say, so it's not love, it's not sex, but it's worth throwing away our life together, our home together and our business together (actually we own and run a business together but he is majority partner, so it all gets even more complex) for nothing much? He says I don't understand, and talks about the other aspects. when I say he could do all those other things - food, music, culture, etc etc - without having to have a relationship with another woman he says I don't understand, and I'm putting the least important thing (his relationship with her) first and it's not.

What? This doesn't just sound ridiculous to me, right? Actually it sounds downright disgusting.

Oh and to add to the fun the woman is a business contact of our that we deal with regularly. I'm supposed to deal with her at work and then let him trot off to her dinner and her bed every other week. That's his plan. alternating weeks with me and her.

I just don't understand how he could do this to me. Despite all this, I don't think he is a bad person or a git. I've been cheated on twice before and they were gits. This is a decent man. A kind hard-wroking pillar of the community type man. If he can't be trusted, then frankly, I'll never trust another man as long as I live.

so I don't know. What do I want? Sympathy? I'm not sure I deserve it for being so bloody thick. Advice? Oh god. I'm nearly 50. I have no money (might get a little bit together), I'll be homeless and jobless. I can't let my parents find out about this as they are very elderly and have their own massive problem/worry right now and this additional worry could kill them. I have friends and family but we are all too old to have some pathetic refugee kipping on the sofa. I'm so humiliated. It's happened to me again. My husband ran off with my best friend. My only other serious relationship did exactly the same thing as this - it turned out he was living with someone else all along and wanted us to get together as a kinky threesome.

Either all men are !!!!!!!s or there's something about me that attract the bad ones. I'm staying clear from now on. Probably turn into a mad cat lady but the worst they do to you is sneak into another house and have a second dinner, and enjoy getting stroked by the other person,...oh hang on....bloody hell, he is a dirty little 'oh be kind to me I'm starving and neglected' con merchant tomcat!

I've asked to stay in the spare room until I can find another job. I can't go into work again. How can I sit there running a company with him, with all our employees there knowing we are 'together', and dealing with the !!!!!! who's stolen him, and look at this face knowing he was with another woman the night before, yet he really thinks that's a possibility.

And yet he thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's my fault if this all comes to an end as 'you don't have to leave'. He's even trying to say he would have been perfectly happy if I'd come home and told him I was going to spend half my life with him and half with another man. Yeah right.

WOW. sorry, long vent.

Ladies, take my story as a warning. If it's staring you in the face, no matter how nice and decent he seems to be, he's a !!!!!!! and you should get out.

Dont' waste your life on these scumbags. I wasted what was left of my youth on this one. My life is in ruins. I have to start from scratch in every way. That's not easy at my age.

I know our relationship wasn't perfect but who's is? I loved him so much. My heart is broken. How could he do this to me? Why? Why? He can't even be honest and tell me he loves her or why. Just stupid comments about wanting his own culture. It's bad enough without someone saying you mean so little to them that they will destroy everything for someone else they don't even love. It's killing me. How can he throw everything away for nothing....he says I just don't understand. Clearly a few African dinners mean more to him than I do.

Oh yeah, and just so you understand how important his culture is to him, there's been a new glossy magazine launched (free online sub) for people from his country living in the UK, I found out about it by accident, but I forwarded the link to him. He replied by email saying thanks but not interested.

Write a letter to the other woman telling her the details as he has told you and that you think it's disgusting, make sure you lay it on really really thick. Use words like adulterers, cheaters, affair, lust, pretty much anything that an evangelical christian would find unsavoury.

It doesn't sound like it would take much to get her back to the mindset that it's wrong.

If that fails then they are hypocrites you need to find out where they worship and go and discuss this with the priest, if necessary confront her in front of the congregation. Make sure you use all the words that will make her a pariah as you may not have long before you are removed.

Either way don't stay with him, he is a coward and a disgrace. 'Discussing about having a relationship for over a year' and expecting you to be ok with it, it that is f*cked up.

By the way i have a few African and Caribbean friends, many of them refuse to date anyone from the same culture because in their own words "there is a serious culture of cheating." So no its not all men, i can't imagine doing this to someone i claimed to love, just very much bad luck on your part.

If you can bear going over it with him again a recording of the conversation with all the sordid details could be discreetly passed around the congregation or to the priest instead. This way they won't call you a liar when he denies it.

good luck.

EDIT: I read the other thread briefly just wanted to say this seems to have been going on for a long time and it's not really fair to cast aspersions on men in general when you allowed him to treat you like a doormat and walk all over you without putting you foot down.

Also if your married take him for everything he's got. Again best wishes and keep your head up.

MissMonkeyMoo

Wow. He has got some nerve to use his culture as the reason for wanting his cake and eating it! Sounds to me that he IS probably already having a relationship with this other woman and is using all this nonsense as a smoke screen so that he can trot off and have a bit on the side but keep you there in reserve in case things don't work out. The fact that you run a business together is probably the other reason that he was to placate you still. You didn't write anything in your post which would suggest that he told you he still loves you or that he couldn't be without you so I am assuming he just went on and on about HIM and how this is what HE needs and what HE must do.

It is easy for me to say, but I think you will be well shot of him! Do you really want a man like that in your life? As for them being evangelical christians - please! To quote another website "An evangelical Christian is called to share the good news, to preach God's Word, and to set an example of purity and integrity." I don't think seeing two women at once falls into either of these catagories. Evangelicals Christians are all about preaching the good news of Christ and they take the bible very seriously. Perhaps you should point out the following bible verses to him Exodus 20:14, Matthew 15:19, Ephesians 5:3, 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5, Hebrews 13:14. I would be interested to know how he thinks he can justify his decision on the back of these!

But back to you. I am sorry that you have been through similar things in the past and that you feel all men and gits! They're not. I had many a bad experience and I used to joke with my friends that I had something writted across my forehead that attracted b*st*rds, but this is actually closer to the truth than we realise! There are people that do tend to go for a particular type and we end up in similar relationships as a result. I haven't read your previous thread, but the above response indicates that you were a doormat - so was I! As a result we spend longer in relationships than we should, trying to make everything ok and working hard at it because we think that's what we should do. We don't stand up for ourselves and then people walk all over us and we think "oh, no not again". I changed the way that I thought; I went out and made new friends and found my confidence grew. My last three relationships reflected this - the first two didn't work out but they didn't cheat on me or treat me badly, they just didn't work out. I am now with the love f my life who I totally trust and adore. It can still happen for you, please do not see age or your current circumstances as a barrier. It may not be easy, but you will find a way forward out of this and then you need to start living your life for you. When you do this, you will be amazed at the difference that you feel and how things will come together.

I disagree with Eskimos comments above that you should confront them in front of the congregation or talk to their priest etc etc. This will only make you look like a bitter woman and will you really get any peace from doing that? Hold your head up high and let the world see that you are not going to be broken by this. he doesn't deserve you or your time - don't waste another second on him!

ostrichnomore_2

Sorry, I didn't mean to say all men are bad, just I'm giving up, I can't trust myself in future to know good from bad, as I always pick the sneaky !!!! ones.

I know it's all my own stupid fault. I always get really stupid when I'm in love. Every time.

I have no idea about how this all works. I'm posting on the benefits board, if anyone can help.

delain

Well that's a new one :eek:

Really, you're much, much better off away from him.

j.e.j.

It's easy to blame yourself, but bottom line is, the other person has decided how they're going to behave. You've got no control over that. I haven't read your other thread, but if you are perhaps too easy-going or letting people walk over you, you might benefit from some assertiveness practice. This could help you in the future, for life in general, not just relationships.

Can anyone advise OP about where to live? Womens Aid often gets suggested on here, but that's really for victims of DV. Just not sure what to suggest if OP now has no money and no-where to go, and no friends/family she can go to..

amyloofoo

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi

Take a look at my previous thread for a bit of background.

Says it all really. I am so stupid. You're not stupid, and your thoughts of inadequacy and lack of self respect are one of the things that have led you to put up with this situation for so long. If you truly want to move on and find a man who's going to respect you (or be happy by yourself) then it's altering this attitude of blame and self-pity which is going to be vital.

I can understand why you feel that you've been foolish in this situation, but the blame is his and not yours. You've opened your heart and trust to someone who's abused that; it doesn't make you stupid, but it does make him a pig.

He told me a few weeks ago he was planning big changes in his life, wanted to get back to his own culture more (he isn't from UK), he's getting older, wants to live the sort of life he wants to live beofre he dies etc etc...more church, more the music he loves, more his own culture's food etc. Oh but he wasn't thinking of leaving me, but he'd tell me in a few weeks about his implementation plan for all the changes. I can let you imagine my reaction to that. I have no problem with changes. But the way it was all announced it was obviously something bad coming. I ended up shoving his birthday present at him (a special CD set of one of his cultures cult musicians and a big hero for him that I had to order in specially, so I've always actually tried to encourage him to have more of his 'culture' stuff but he is the one who resists it. When his kids ask him questions about it, for example, he refuses to answer them!)

Are the kids his? If so, then 'his' culture is also theirs, and he should be more respectful of them wanting to know more. How long have you been with this man? How long have the children known him (and how old are they)? Even if the children aren't his, the fact that he isn't willing to discuss his heritage with them isn't a good sign and should be ringing alarm bells.

I can see how it must be diffcult for you to feel excluded from his culture, and appreciate that you want to show your support for his cultural needs; but really you shouldn't have to be 'encouraging him to have more of his culture stuff', if he feels that he wants to be more involved with cultural traditions or social events then a loving partner would be trying to help you and your children feel more included. I'm not saying you shouldn't have bought him the CD, I think that's a really sweet and appropriate gesture; but if he wants to get more involved with church events or traditional cooking then he needs to invite you and your children and help you to feel integrated, rather than feeling that he should do this alone (or with someone else :eek:)

anyway, I wrote him a long letter explaining how I felt and that I never came between him and his culture but that I can't ever be one of his countries women if that's what he really wants, that I loved him, and that i felt hurt by how he treated me, and that I wanted things to work between us. Things died down and I just let it go (again).

Don't beat yourself up about this - you did the right thing in articulating to him how you felt and what you wanted. The fact that he left it and made you think this had been resolved just tells me that he's a coward.

So tonight he sat down, wanted to talk, stared fixedly in the opposite direction and talked round the houses for a while about again wanting more of his own culture, how much he misses the food and going to restaurants isn't the same, and he wants to listen to music he likes and watch TV he wants to (I don't stop him! he hasn't even opened that CD set 2 months later for example even though I know he was always searching for anything by that singer and really loves his music and didn't have any!), how he wants to be more involved in the church, and do work for the church, and have church meeting at home now and then....and I nodded along as all this is fine by me, but with a sick sinking feeling in my gut because the way he is talking there's obviously something bad coming.

Pay no attention to any of this - which is obviously an excuse. I'm sorry, but the nationality, race or first language of your partner does not stop you going to church, watching TV, listening to music or cooking whatever food you'd like. The unopened CD set is just another demonstration that it's not more 'culture' he wants, he's just putting a new excuse on infidelity.

so, he says, how to make all this happen. Hmmm. His implementation plan. Well, he doesn't want to try to force me to be something I'm not. so he is going to take a room somewhere and spend half his life with me and half his life there. Where's that exactly, I say? (sinking heart). With a woman I vaguely know from his culture, he says. Are you having a relationship with her, I ask. Not currently, is the reply. !!!!!! does that mean, I say. After a bit of faffing around and not wanting to answer, he says they haven't been in a relationship but they are going to start one. It turns out it means that for the last year they have been planning and discussing this. they haven't yet had sex, but he does want to have a relationship with her. She first said no as 'it would be wrong' but now she's changed her mind. she is very very religious as well, in fact she works for a church. they are both 'devout' evangelical Christians, would you believe. apparantely it isn't being unfaithful or cheating as he's asked my permission!

Asking your permission does not stop it being infidelity - you giving your permission might, but I'm fairly certain you have no intention of doing that! As has been suggested above, make sure the other woman knows EXACTLY how you feel about the situation and (if you feel confident enough / even want to be with him any more) then approach his pastor to ask for marriage counselling. I don't know a single evangelical minister who would refuse counselling or side with him (and my dad's an evangelical minister!) Hopefully this will force him to think about exactly what he's doing - it might not change his mind, but at least it will take away his veneer of respectability and force him to name his actions for what they are: run of the mill, sinful, cheating; not a cultural exploration.

According to him I am being closed minded and need to open my eyes to how other people live. Pretty much his only comment is 'you don't need to go'. Well, yes, I do.

I'm really glad you feel strong enough to leave and think this will ultimately be the best thing for you and your children. Whether you shame him into telling the truth or not, the fact is that this man is a cheater who has no respect for you or your family.

I also work with him so I am going to be homeless (it's his house, all bills are in his name, there's no equity anyway and frankly I wouldnt' want anything if he begged me to take it). He also thinks that I don't need to stop working with him, whether I agree to this arrangement or if I leave.Riiiiiiight.

Don't allow your anger at him to stop you doing what's best for you and your children. If you're married, or he's the father of the children, then you shouldn't be leaving penniless and if you do so to be stubborn then you're only harming yourself and the kids.

Oh yes. It's 'an arrangement'. apparently I don't understand. I'm wrong to think about the relationship with her as important. It's not love, it's not a big romance, it's just part of having that cultural lifestyle half the time.....and he can say that with a straight face.

there is polygamy in his country but mainly for people of a different religion/tribe, his family isn't polygamous and he's always been scathing about it in relation to other people, in the past. but now it seems his mid-life 'bucket list' includes having two women on the trot. Wife number one and wife number two. And I'm soooooooo unreasonable to say no to this.

Don't even consider any of this - it's BS designed to play on your kind nature and desire to meet his cultural needs. No-one has a 'cultural need' to be unfaithful to their partner, especially when they've already made a commitment and it is forbidden by their religion and not even common to their tribe or family.

I find it disgusting. I'm supposed to kiss him goodbye for a week then welcome him back and kiss him hello and all the rest after knowing he's been having it off all week with some !!!!!!. He also says it's not about the sex.

But if I say, so it's not love, it's not sex, but it's worth throwing away our life together, our home together and our business together (actually we own and run a business together but he is majority partner, so it all gets even more complex) for nothing much? He says I don't understand, and talks about the other aspects. when I say he could do all those other things - food, music, culture, etc etc - without having to have a relationship with another woman he says I don't understand, and I'm putting the least important thing (his relationship with her) first and it's not.

What? This doesn't just sound ridiculous to me, right? Actually it sounds downright disgusting.

Oh and to add to the fun the woman is a business contact of our that we deal with regularly. I'm supposed to deal with her at work and then let him trot off to her dinner and her bed every other week. That's his plan. alternating weeks with me and her.

If the relationship with the other woman isn't important then why has he been planning it for a year - and is willing to lose his family, home and business for it? Either this relationship is very important to him, or he thinks you're such a push over that you'll agree to it. I think it's probably the latter, so you need to make him aware that you will NEVER agree and he has a stark choice to make.

I just don't understand how he could do this to me. Despite all this, I don't think he is a bad person or a git. I've been cheated on twice before and they were gits. This is a decent man. A kind hard-wroking pillar of the community type man. If he can't be trusted, then frankly, I'll never trust another man as long as I live.

Is he a good man? You know him better than us so are probably in a better position to judge than we are - and maybe you do think that a 'good man' could possibly get himself into this situation - however 'good man' or otherwise, he thinks you're a doormat and you need to prove otherwise. Good people can do bad things, and good people sometimes cheat; but from what I've seen, I'd say he's more of a manipulative, lying, emotionally abusive man than a 'pillar of the community'.

so I don't know. What do I want? Sympathy? I'm not sure I deserve it for being so bloody thick. Advice? Oh god. I'm nearly 50. I have no money (might get a little bit together), I'll be homeless and jobless. I can't let my parents find out about this as they are very elderly and have their own massive problem/worry right now and this additional worry could kill them. I have friends and family but we are all too old to have some pathetic refugee kipping on the sofa. I'm so humiliated. It's happened to me again. My husband ran off with my best friend. My only other serious relationship did exactly the same thing as this - it turned out he was living with someone else all along and wanted us to get together as a kinky threesome.

Either all men are !!!!!!!s or there's something about me that attract the bad ones. I'm staying clear from now on. Probably turn into a mad cat lady but the worst they do to you is sneak into another house and have a second dinner, and enjoy getting stroked by the other person,...oh hang on....bloody hell, he is a dirty little 'oh be kind to me I'm starving and neglected' con merchant tomcat!

^^This - not all men are scum, but until you deal with your underlying self esteem issues you are going to be easy prey for manipulative liars. I know things feel hard now, and you've definitely had some bad luck man-wise but things will get better and until they do, you have time to work on being happy in yourself (or with your kitties )

I've asked to stay in the spare room until I can find another job. I can't go into work again. How can I sit there running a company with him, with all our employees there knowing we are 'together', and dealing with the !!!!!! who's stolen him, and look at this face knowing he was with another woman the night before, yet he really thinks that's a possibility.

And yet he thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's my fault if this all comes to an end as 'you don't have to leave'. He's even trying to say he would have been perfectly happy if I'd come home and told him I was going to spend half my life with him and half with another man. Yeah right.

WOW. sorry, long vent.

Ladies, take my story as a warning. If it's staring you in the face, no matter how nice and decent he seems to be, he's a !!!!!!! and you should get out.

Dont' waste your life on these scumbags. I wasted what was left of my youth on this one. My life is in ruins. I have to start from scratch in every way. That's not easy at my age.

I know our relationship wasn't perfect but who's is? I loved him so much. My heart is broken. How could he do this to me? Why? Why? He can't even be honest and tell me he loves her or why. Just stupid comments about wanting his own culture. It's bad enough without someone saying you mean so little to them that they will destroy everything for someone else they don't even love. It's killing me. How can he throw everything away for nothing....he says I just don't understand. Clearly a few African dinners mean more to him than I do.

Oh yeah, and just so you understand how important his culture is to him, there's been a new glossy magazine launched (free online sub) for people from his country living in the UK, I found out about it by accident, but I forwarded the link to him. He replied by email saying thanks but not interested.

It's not about his culture, so stop trying to help. No amount of homecooked African dinners, glossy magazines or CDs is going to stop a cheat being a cheat. Don't acknowledge any of his 'it's a cultural thing' BS... treat him like the lying KH he is.

:grouphug: Sorry if I've come across as patronising, it's hard not to over a forum.

ostrichnomore_2

Hi

thanks to all of you, you've made me feel a little bit stronger. You are all talking so much sense.

I'm not as much of a walkover as I might sound. I just have lousy taste in men and put my trust in people who don't deserve it. I'd rather trust someone 100% and end up wrong, than poison a relationship by being controlling/suspicious/jealous where it's unwarranted. So I probably do go too far with giving the benefit of the doubt, but I want things to work.

He's not tried to involve me in the church stuff as I'm a died in the wool atheist. When we first met he tried a bit but I nipped that in the bud pronto and made it clear, this is what I am, this is what I always will be, if that's going to be a problem for you let's end it now. He backed down and it's not been an issue - on the surface.

We have been together 10 years. the children are his but not mine, from a previous relationship, he has access and they come to stay. I'm going to miss them a lot. We are not married.

I've made it completely clear that this 'arrangement' simply is not going to happen. I am leaving both the relationship and the business.

He can't seriously have thought I'd say yes. I think a tiny bit of him hoped so, but you are right in that he hasn't exactly declared his love or any real wish to be with me. Just keeps saying in a robotic way 'you don't have to go'. If he were to say 'I love you, I'm so sorry, I love her too, what a mess, omg, can I do anything' I could somewhat understand it (still say no to the arrangement), but this coldblooded approach has me baffled. You'd think he's come up with a new business plan or something. My heart is broken but he doesn't seem to have one at all...

A couple of friends have offered me a room but it's only temp for a couple of nights sort of thing, there's no one really with space for me. I don't want to go to relatives as I just can't face the humiliation of it all. Luckily we have plenty of space so I'm just going to avoid him as much as possible and live in the spare room until I can get out ASAP. I just don't know how yet...

What's crazy is he had me choosing colours for big overhaul of living room this week, we agreed a wood floor, he got me to pick out the type of wood/colour and I've also suggested wall/curtain colours he agreed to. He wants to make it a 'nice home' as it was pretty tatty looking. What an effing joke. I hope she likes what I picked.

Oh and after a bottle of wine last night there is now a confetti all over the garden made up of little pieces of a certain CD box set. Childish, yes. Satisfying. Yes. It's the one little 'revenge' bad behaviour I'm going to allow myself, I have the moral high ground here and I'm not going to lose it or let him pretend that I'm the one who has done something wrong.

Oh yes, asked some pointed questions about a couple of dubious transactions in his bank account earlier in the year, he wanted to know how I knew, what was I doing, what right did I have etc, sod that, told him to shut up, I'm not the one who's done anything wrong, and to stop trying to change the subject. Just answer the questions.

See? Not quite the doormat, I hope.

Pollycat

Wow! I really thought that nothing I would ever read on here would shock me - but this has!

I'm so sorry to read about your circumstances.

A few of my thoughts to some of the things in your post:

ostrichnomore wrote: »

According to him I am being closed minded and need to open my eyes to how other people live.

He is deluded.
How other people live?
I would say only a very,very tiny minority of men would expect their partner to accept what he is expecting you to put up with.

ostrichnomore wrote: »

I just don't understand how he could do this to me. Despite all this, I don't think he is a bad person or a git. I've been cheated on twice before and they were gits. This is a decent man. A kind hard-wroking pillar of the community type man.

He is a bad person.
He is not, by any stretch of anybody's imagination, a decent man.

I hope you get some really good advice from your post on the Benefits board.

I would get myself down to CAB asap for advice on housing options, benefits and what (if anything) you are entitled to from the house and him.

Try not to antagonise him by letting him know you know about certain things (not that he doesn't deserve it), best keep your secrets and maybe you can find out more stuff.
If he thinks you've got access to some of his information, he'll start cutting you off from that access.

Good luck.

Lara44

Ostrichnomore I remembered your other thread, I am sorry that this has happened. Although it is better to know the truth about someone however hurtful.

I just wanted to say be careful about how you separate. Don't just walk away from the business because you are angry. Perhaps you could post more details here or in another thread in order to get advice on that specific issue. If you are entitled to a share of the business you should have it.

claire16c

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Oh yes, asked some pointed questions about a couple of dubious transactions in his bank account earlier in the year, he wanted to know how I knew, what was I doing, what right did I have etc, sod that, told him to shut up, I'm not the one who's done anything wrong, and to stop trying to change the subject. Just answer the questions.

See? Not quite the doormat, I hope.

Make sure you keep doing that. People who dont want to admit theyve done something wrong will use the classic tactic of turning it back to the other person. Dont let him get away with it.