It's over. Betrayed, heartbroken, jobless, homeless. (long, sorry, venting)

ostrichnomore_2

Hi me again, quick update.

Thank you to everyone who replied here, yes, even the tough ones! I do need to face facts and deal with this in the way that gives me the best possible future.

I have got over that initial blind rage and although I'm still hurt as hell, and angry, my brain is finally kicking in. I spent a couple of days with a friend just chilling as much as I could and that helped to clear the fog a lot.

There is a solicitor-drawn up partnership agreement in place so I'm not completely open there.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time looking at all my possible options and starting to think about 'what do I want' from now. When it comes to money, and the business, now my head has cleared I can see I'm not in the terrible situation I first thought. In theory, anyway. But as for the money so far he seems to be acting (not just talking) in a genuine way and we are now finalising the negotiations on the split of some bonus money that we were already discussing before. I need to finish the analysis of what goes to the firm, and what goes to each partner, and I do believe that even if just to keep me sweet, I'll get my fair share of that. Which will be enough to make me feel far less worried about my immediate future should everything else go tits up.

I'm going to deal with one thing at a time. Get that money first.

In the meantime I'm now using my head on this and collating all the information I need to make a good decision financially on what to do. If that turns out to be to stay with the business, then I'll think about whether I'd be strong enough to do that or not. No point worrying about it until it's a definite option. If I find that financially I'm better off out, then it's not an issue.

I've got an idea forming up on my ideal situation, and how I could make that work, but it's still reliant on my knowing exactly what I would get if I leave/stay in the business. The business we run is not exactly my dream life/career or something that fills me with massive enthusiasm, even before all this. When it was for our future together, fine, but now, it's really not exciting me. Getting my ideal situation in place is rather time sensitive so I've got to get on with everything now, no matter how I feel. My ideal situation is a big risk, a leap into the unknown, but if this isn't an opportunity to try and follow my dream, what is.

I've decided to stay in the house for the time being, probably looking at 3 - 12 months depending on what other decisions I make, I think I can just about bear it. Although the first time he !!!!!!s off to stay at her house is going to be the test of that, I suppose. That's not going to happen for a month or so for various reasons.

We are getting together on Saturday to discuss the practical side of all this - what needs be done to re-arrange the house, ground rules etc, so we can both live here. Whether or not I'll return to work while I'm making all these decisions or not, and if so, again how is this going to work in a practical sense. (for example something I won't back down on is that the other woman can no longer be involved in any way, not while I'm still there).

So fingers crossed, whatever decisions I make it's going to be extremely hard, but if I'm smart from now on I should be ok.

Thanks again to all of you. I know it seems silly, we don't know each other, and I do have friends to support me, but this has still be a massive help to me, especially in the first few days when I was just going nuts and not talking to anyone real-life about it all. Especial thanks for stopping me doing anything rash.

HeadAboveWater

*hug*

You've done a heck of a lot of thinking. Things seem to be a lot clearer in your mind now so it's just a matter of taking it one day at a time.

Pollycat

Wow, ostrichnomore - what a difference a few days has made!

You sound like a different person. :T

I'm sure it's still going to be hard but you seem to be feeling much more positive.

I hope you did get some useful information from your post on the Benefit board.

Good luck for your future.

ostrichnomore_2

Yeah, I was better then but now down low again. Last night I cracked and begged him to reconsider and let us try working this out. But no, he just says he wants the changes and keeps talking about wanting the food she'll give him! He said he loves me but a second home is the only possible solution. Which is rubbish as if it's the food it's not exactly impossible to have it here, is it!:mad:

So finally finally I have to really accept it and stop hoping he'd come to his senses.

I also know that I don't think I can continue living here for long, I'll have to bear it until I get myself sorted, but no longer than absolutely necessary. And I'm going to get my share of the bonus money and then tell him I'm pulling out of the business and he needs to buy me out.

I also have to just accept that I will never understand it all. It would be so much easier if he would just say 'I don't love you any more'.

I just feel totally depressed now. dumped for a plate of food.

Mischa8

Padstow wrote: »

Quote
" I have no ideas where you stand legally (I don't think at all) so I'd just cut myself off and start afresh" Quote.

If you have no idea then why suggest she walks away? Best keep advice when you have "no ideas" to yourself.

I am not about to stupidly GUESS at where she stands. and OP actually posted her circumstances AFTER I posted this comment re legal partnership agreement.


OP does in fact have a legal partnership agreement, and as they are not married and she works in the business, it carries far more weight than if they were married.


As for feeling shame and or embarrassment? Yes it's difficult.
I hid for a long time through feeling a fool. Problem solved when the village gossip spotted me when I had to leave the house to shop.

She of course had it it sussed, I confirmed, and the whole region knew by morning.

sorry but I just am staggered (of course now been put right) that someone can seemingly post something quite worrying as to how she has no job etc but has no idea legally where she stands. she is better off talking to a solicitor rather than us lot, a lot of whom, I agree don't know that much.

and yes, how can someone work their way through life to almost 50 and have no savings etc??

OP has stated her situation now, it seems a lot better (partnership business wise etc) and she seems to be on a better footing and hopefully will be out of the business and this man's home before long and doing her own thing. To be honest I was more shocked (by her first posts) as to how she would cope etc - even though my post didn't seem that way.

Finally I know I am lucky never to have had to be cheated on, conned out of things but have been up against it too. there is always a way out.

Mischa8

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Yeah, I was better then but now down low again. Last night I cracked and begged him to reconsider and let us try working this out. But no, he just says he wants the changes and keeps talking about wanting the food she'll give him! He said he loves me but a second home is the only possible solution. Which is rubbish as if it's the food it's not exactly impossible to have it here, is it!:mad:

So finally finally I have to really accept it and stop hoping he'd come to his senses.

I also know that I don't think I can continue living here for long, I'll have to bear it until I get myself sorted, but no longer than absolutely necessary. And I'm going to get my share of the bonus money and then tell him I'm pulling out of the business and he needs to buy me out.

I also have to just accept that I will never understand it all. It would be so much easier if he would just say 'I don't love you any more'.

I just feel totally depressed now. dumped for a plate of food.

Sorry if I came across as harsh.

I just wanted to say, please don't let this man con you into staying with him or working things out. he wants his cake and to eat it.

Can you stay with anyone in the meantime? I think it would be great if you could get space between you and this man? Also what about counselling? therapy would help you I think. It may help you to understand things - at least from your POV if not his.

great he will give you your share of bonus money and then he can buy you out. I saw your other post. please do try to work on that project. You need something to work on for the future.

If you do also feel that bad (wouldn't normally suggest but it worked for me in past) short course (say 3 months) of Prozac helps to numb pain and helps you *get through days*.

Mojisola

ostrichnomore wrote: »

how he wants to be more involved in the church, and do work for the church, and have church meeting at home now and then....

she is very very religious as well, in fact she works for a church. they are both 'devout' evangelical Christians, would you believe. apparantely it isn't being unfaithful or cheating as he's asked my permission!

He has children by another women, is living with you without getting married and now wants to have sex with another woman while still living with you? Exactly which branch of Christianity is this?

londonsurrey

He's just a cheat, but sees himself as a good person, so is torn between "I'm gonna do it anyway" and "But I'm nice, really".

The Christianity/culture thing is a distraction. If it wasn't religion, he would use something else. In lieu of these things, a lot of women get "but you've put on weight", which is particularly galling coming from a man with a pregnancy sized beer paunch.

Anyhow, you're thinking clearly, and I suspect that this thing with him being reasonable about the money is backed by his guilt ("See, I'm honest, really"). Use it while it lasts. Six months, a year or two down the line, as his background anxiety about his wrongdoing dissipates, he'll find it less important to prove his "niceness", and he'll probably start niggling about various aspects of financial wrangling he's willing to give way on (even if you should be entitled to it).

daska

My reading of this is that he is deliberately manipulating the situation so that he can blame you for leaving him and say, quite truthfully, that he hadn't left you or kicked you out. Your biggest advantages are the fact that his standing is very important to him and that you have some clout within the business. I would suggest you use them to your advantage.

You could 'come round' to a point of thinking about the idea but make a point of asking for help from the church as you don't understand how polygamy fits with their teachings and you desperately want to be a good wife... If his standing with his religious leaders is threatened with being compromised or there's a possibility that you may go in to work and very vocally refuse to deal with his mistress he may find himself being more generous/honest to prevent these things happening...

And you in turn will be able to say, hand on heart, that you only told the truth...

Mojisola

daska wrote: »

You could 'come round' to a point of thinking about the idea but make a point of asking for help from the church as you don't understand how polygamy fits with their teachings and you desperately want to be a good wife... If his standing with his religious leaders is threatened with being compromised or there's a possibility that you may go in to work and very vocally refuse to deal with his mistress he may find himself being more generous/honest to prevent these things happening...

They're not married so, from a Christian point of view, they are now "living in sin". How does he have any standing in the church now, without considering the new scheme?