It's over. Betrayed, heartbroken, jobless, homeless. (long, sorry, venting)

andygb

ostrichnomore wrote: »

hello, me again, phew what a couple of weeks. I'm up and down like a yo-yo, still, it's all such a weird breakup/situation I just can't get my head round it.

I found proof that 'they' are a lot more involved than he was admitting to me, and all these lies have made it worse really. I knew he was not telling me the whole story anyway, but without proof you end up thinking maybe you are wrong...but I wasn't. I took myself down to the STD clinic last week just to be on the safe side.

I'm alternating between days of fury, days of heartbreak, and a few days of calm acceptance. It would be better if had just been honest with me.

There's no way on earth I would ever lower myself to agreeing to his 'arrangement' so don't worry on that score.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do re the business and in the meantime I've returned to the office. Difficult but I'm managing so far.

I do still love him but I hate what he's done and the way he's behaving. I wish I could just flick a switch and not love him any more but it's never that easy, is it. It will take time.

He's telling his family today and I wish I could hear what he tells them. Pack of lies probably. Or at least I doubt very much he's going to tell them about the other woman, it'll be the same daft story he tried to sell me on. His sisters are smart ladies though, I think they'll see through it, and they've always been very supportive of me in the past. I don't really have direct contact with them (they don't live in UK) but I hope they give him hell!

One of the 'proofs' I found really rankles with me. I know it's silly to obsess over details but this was such a slap in the face. He works 6 days a week, won't do anything on the other day but rest and watch TV, we've never had a proper holiday together. All we've ever done is two weekend getaways in the UK. But now he is taking 'her' off on a two week Caribbean holiday in November. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I confronted him on this, and how was it right even if I'd said yes to his arrangement for her to be shown such favouritism, after 10 years of sacrifices wouldn't I have been the one to deserve a nice holiday? His only response was that it would have been my turn later!

I know he's a knob. I know I'm better off without him.

But I love him and I can't help wanting to be with him. I've known couples get through affairs etc and come out stronger as they fix what went wrong in their relationship. I've asked him to consider trying again, but he won't.

I don't think I'll really accept it's happened until he goes off to her house next weekend. That's going to be a hard week for me.

How do you speed up the process of falling out of love with someone?

I have read the entire thread, and I can assure you, that you have been very unlucky to be on the receiving end of this awful treatment. There are so many issues here, but what you have faced is mental abuse, from a person who I think, does not value women, and sees them as "second class". Unfortunately this attitude is present in many cultures where religion plays a large part, because by and large, religion has been organised and administered by men in order to control other men and women.
The culture which this man talks about is in his mind, and involved him seeking satisfaction without having to give anything in return.
It is quite natural for you to still have feelings for him, but hopefully, by analysing what he has done to you - maybe making a list, this will make you appreciate his behaviour ina way which will benefit you.
You have done nothing wrong, he is the one with all the "issues".

margaretclare

andygb wrote: »

I have read the entire thread, and I can assure you, that you have been very unlucky to be on the receiving end of this awful treatment. There are so many issues here, but what you have faced is mental abuse, from a person who I think, does not value women, and sees them as "second class". Unfortunately this attitude is present in many cultures where religion plays a large part, because by and large, religion has been organised and administered by men in order to control other men and women.
The culture which this man talks about is in his mind, and involved him seeking satisfaction without having to give anything in return.
It is quite natural for you to still have feelings for him, but hopefully, by analysing what he has done to you - maybe making a list, this will make you appreciate his behaviour in a way which will benefit you.
You have done nothing wrong, he is the one with all the "issues".

Well said, couldn't agree more. 'His culture' - what a load of b*ll*cks. What about your culture? I've sometimes heard people bleating on about 'their' culture and actually saying that in the UK we have no culture of our own. Yes, we damn well do!

ostrichnomore_2

I wanted to come back with a big thank you and an update.

You all helped me so much with good advice, somewhere to vent, and by making me laugh at some of the suggestions! Those really were my darkest days and this forum came up trumps for me. So, thank you again and I'm sorry I haven't been through and thanked you all individually.

It still hurts. I'm still angry. But I'm getting there and feel much calmer and more accepting that it really is over. If he popped up tomorrow and said he'd made a mistake and wanted to try again (not that he will), I know 100% that I'd say no. I've realised that the relationship wasn't right for either of us and it stopped me really being myself. Too many compromises it seems, for both of us, for it to really be worth all the effort.

Getting my plan together for what I want to do. Still at the house as it's extremely cheap for me to live here, although I did look at some alternatives and got thoroughly depressed by the horrible tiny places I could afford. I'd rather stomach staying here for now, and it's actually not as bad as people imagine due to layout of house (we only really have use the kitchen and utility room communally, everywhere else is separated out), then he's off every other week, and even the week he is here we don't bump into each other much, only perhaps on that Sunday. Work - I've got him to agree to a couple of things which have improved my income and also helped move me along in my overall 'new life' plan. I'm intending to stay until December next year (there is a reason for that deadline) then probably leave to go off and do my own thing, not that he knows that!

Had some more ups and downs and a few arguments along the way, but things have settled down more now. He's had the hump a bit as I don't think things are working out quite like he hoped. I think that he thought even if I said no, we'd be good friends/housemates. Nope. I don't need a friend like that. I am civil, but that's it. For example one night he asked me if I'd like to go and see a movie, as he misses my company and would like to see a movie with me! Errrr..no, put him straight on that one. He doesn't get to dump me but then hang on to the bits of our relationship that he liked! Honestly I've given up trying to figure out what was going on in his head as it's all just too weird and ridiculous, and I'm finally coming to peace with the fact that I will never really understand it all. I was driving myself nuts trying to get my head round it all. But now starting to find my own 'closure', in other words.

Yorkie1

Good luck and well done for getting to this point.

Supernatural

Good on you, hope things will continue to go well. I hope he realises what he's lost, but that sort hardly ever do! What a loser...

redpete

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Honestly I've given up trying to figure out what was going on in his head as it's all just too weird and ridiculous, and I'm finally coming to peace with the fact that I will never really understand it all. I was driving myself nuts trying to get my head round it all.

That happens when someone convinces themselves that their unreasonable and unjustifiable behaviour is reasonable and justifiable - to anyone outside their head it is obvious that it makes no sense. He will have been trying to reconcile his selfish behaviour and desires with his religious beliefs, not wanting to give up on either of them. He's probably taken a few bits of scripture out of context to persuade himself the his behaviour is OK - ignoring the wider context that would so clearly shows that what he is doing is completely at odds with Christianity.

I would have suggested that you do nothing to give legitimacy to the situation, don't make it any easier for him to live like he wants. However, this might make it more difficult for you to get out of the situation with what you need. Hopefully you manage to sort out a future for yourself that doesn't involve pandering to his foolishness.

londoner01

Read the back history with interest and horror. How he could even think that you wouldn't eventually see that he doesn't care about you at all when he's been planning this for over a year without involving you in any decision, is beyond me.

Get yourself into a good position at work and then leave. Keep strong like you're doing, and don't give in to his requests for, basically, saying that you're alright with it.

Does he bring the other woman back to the house?

busiscoming2

I've only just seen this thread and remember your other one.

You have done so well to deal with this as I know it isn't easy. You should be proud of yourself for dealing with things and setting yourself goals. I wish you lots of luck, your future looks bright

Person_one

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Getting my plan together for what I want to do. Still at the house as it's extremely cheap for me to live here, although I did look at some alternatives and got thoroughly depressed by the horrible tiny places I could afford. I'd rather stomach staying here for now, and it's actually not as bad as people imagine due to layout of house (we only really have use the kitchen and utility room communally, everywhere else is separated out), then he's off every other week, and even the week he is here we don't bump into each other much, only perhaps on that Sunday.

No no no no no!!!!

Get out, asap, you need to in order to really 'end' this whole mess.

Tiny isn't so bad, you get used to it. When I split with my ex I went from a fairly luxurious two bed apartment at the top of a posh building with stunning views etc etc. to a little one bed flat with a view of a brick wall and an alley.

Guess where I'm happiest?

Its not about where you live, its not about space and home comforts, its about getting your freedom back and being able to completely relax and be yourself in your own home with your own front door that you can use to keep moronic men out!

Unless there is likely to be some change in the next few weeks that means its worth waiting to get something bigger, then I'd say just go now. It will start to feel more like 'my past that I'm moving on from' not 'my current situation that I'm putting up with' once you're out of the house. There will be absolutely no need for him to know where you live, your number or have any way of communicating with you at all, wouldn't that be bliss?

ostrichnomore_2

hello again, thought I'd give you another update and say thanks to you all again, your support meant a lot.

well a lot more has happened, of course. For one thing I couldn't stand all his lying to me continually about it even after we'd split up, it was making things so much more painful to me. So I asked him to sit down and tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and he agreed. He still kept to the same stupid story while answering my questions. I wove in questions that I knew I had definite proof about - them being in love, him meeting her regularly behind my back, and their intended holiday - mainly to see if he would now tell me the truth. A sort of test to see if he had even the slightest respect for me still and I guess I was hoping to make our ongoing new work partners and house-sharers 'relationship' better but that put the kybosh on that. When I told him I know you just lied about x and y and z because I've seen this information, so basically I may not have learned anything more about what happened, but I do know you can look me straight in the eye and continue to lie to me even though you said you wouldn't, that was the only time his robot face dropped and he looked dismayed.

I never did get the honest truth from him and that has made things so much worse. I nearly went out of my mind obssessing and going over and over it all trying to work it out and find some closure. About a month ago I came up with my version of it all, taking into account all the evidence, which has satisfied me somewhat. It's unlikely to be 100% accurate, but I'm sure it's closer to the truth than the rubbish he was telling me, so it'll do. there was something else that makes me believe this has been going on since 2008, so even longer than was obvious.

What still cuts me up is that this could all have ended sadly, but reasonably amicably, if he'd had just the tiniest bit of respect for me, and the tiniest bit of friendly feeling towards me, and ended things decently, especially as we are business partners and it would be best if only for work. I really think we could have become friends if he'd done this all differently.

so yeah, I'm still furious, and deeply insulted both at him thinking maybe I'd be so desperate and have such low self-esteem that I'd give such an arrangement a seconds thought, and insulted at how stupid he must think I am if he thought I'd believe the totally obvous lies he was telling me. And really insulted that his 'plan' and 'arrangement', if I'd said yes, put her in pole position as favourite in several ways and me as the mug being taken advantage of. If by some weird madness I'd said yes, then the only way to do things like this is to treat both partners equally, surely, or to treat the original partner best, but no, his plan was to treat her like a princess and treat me like dirt.

I thought I'd got over the worst of the hurt but he's just got back off their holiday and that triggered it all off again. I took one look at him when he got back and burst into tears. Then at work it was very painful for me as well.

He's refused to tell our staff we'd split up, so I told a few of them (without any details) so that I wouldn't get into any of our usual 'what did you and ex do at the weekend, anything nice?' sort of conversations that normally happened with them. But the office manager wasn't told. and he brought up ex's holiday a few times with me, I just gritted my teeth and changed the subject. then ex brought them all Jamaica fridge magnets as presents and office manager was waving his under my nose for me to admire and asking me about ex's holiday again. This time I told him it was a sore subject and to ask ex if he had any questions. then I go into kitchen to make a cup of tea and there's one of those damn magnets stuck to the office fridge. I just about made it downstairs to an empty office, shut the door, and sat in there and cried. It's the only time I've broken down at work. I made the magnet on the fridge disappear overnight and no one's said anything. I also told ex he HAD to tell the office manager we'd split up and he agreed to. So it's been a rough week again, and it's hard to have all those upset feelings come back after a time of being more numb to them and just angry. But it can't all be got rid of overnight I suppose.

So yes, I'm still at the house and we pretty much avoid/ignore each other. He's only there every other week and the week he is, he is not around much. So it's ok. Christmas is looking to be difficult and he's not allowing me to have my son come visit me, but it's only one year (I will def move out next year) and if it makes him feel good to play games, let him. I'm just rising above it. I'm tempted to ignore it and have son over anyway and if he feels like throwing him out, good luck to him. My son is a 25 year old gobby 6 footer and not one to be pushed around. I'm only staying as it allows me to save around £500 a month, and I couldn't save much at all otherwise.

On the plus side I suppose he did buy me a new bed for the spare room, and I'm getting sky multiroom put in this weekend so I can watch proper TV instead of just on my laptop. Why am I staying here? Because I can, and it's cheap so I can save up and be in a better position to move on next year. (At one point he did say to me I could live in the house forever, then looked rather offended when I started laughing and asking why would I want to!)

Business - I'm still there, I've negotiated a better package financially so I'm finally getting some savings together, and he's agreed to my working part time for a few months next year so I can concentrate on my studies and finish degree earlier than anticipated. I'll make a long term decision after that.
So in some ways he is being reasonable (feeling guilty?) and in other ways not. I can't control how he acts, just how I respond to it.

But I do feel that I'm moving on a bit and getting my own new life plan in place and working. My social life is a lot better now it's not being restricted by Mr Misery guts 'won't go out'.

I just need to get over the urge to punch him every time I see him, lol.