It's over. Betrayed, heartbroken, jobless, homeless. (long, sorry, venting)

Amanda65

Hi

I followed the thread before but didn't comment and wanted to say that having read the updates firstly how much stronger you sound and secondly congratulations on the weight loss - every cloud and all that

ostrichnomore wrote: »

We were not married.

I have seen a solicitor and co-habitee rights are very limited.

Maybe co-habitee rights are limited but what is your ex going to do about it? Invite your son, sit and have a lovely meal with him, go for a walk together, have a day out together - anything that means you spend a few days with someone you love and who loves you. And once you have agreed dates with your son, contact ex's daughter and just say "DS is coming to stay between these dates so if possible could you work around those?" And if the ex doesn't like it tough!

ostrichnomore_2

ok he finally told me the dates she is coming. So now have to see if son can get time off work to fit in around those. Probably not, now it is so late.

He gave me the dates after he asked me to do him a favour and I threw a massive hissy fit over why should I cooperate with him when he won't cooperate with me and is doing his best to ruin my Christmas (laid it on a bit thick). amazingly enough he emailed me the dates the day after, like I'm supposed to believe the a huge coincidence that his daughter happened to tell him on that exact day, lol.

But if son can't make those dates I'm going to have him to stay anyway, tough! Son lives in shared house with a bunch of lads so not possible for me to go to him.

ostrichnomore_2

never mind, but thanks for looking

busiscoming2

ostrichnomore wrote: »

never mind, but thanks for looking

Sorry, is there text missing?

Glad you popped back Ostrichnomore.

ostrichnomore_2

Well, I was going to post, but changed my mind.

Had to have a chat with ex again, all his mind games and rubbish were doing my head in, which wouldn't matter as I'd be able to forget it all other than the fact that we work together every day.

So, after 7 months, he finally accepted he needed to quit all that carp and be straight with me, and to the most part I think he was (confirmed a lot of what I knew but what he was denying/playing silly !!!!!!s about).

He came up with a whole new mind eff though when I asked why he'd decided to handle it all in a way that made the situation much worse. I was going to post about that, but have decided to leave it alone, it doesn't matter now (not such a mind eff now the emotions have settled down a bit) and it was honestly so bizarre I'll never understand it in a million years. Even if I believed it all. Which I don't. I'd already worked out why he had acted this way- not from thin air but stuff I'd seen - so I'm happy to stick with that explanation that makes sense to me than struggle to get my head around another load of weird stuff, true or untrue.

So things are a bit better now. At least I can look at him now and think 'you're a lying !!!!!!! out of a combination of selfishness and stupidity' rather than 'you're a lying !!!!!!! because you wanted to hurt me as much as possible', which is how it definitely seemed before. And that he is finally treating me with a little more of the respect I deserved. He did say he didn't really understand why it was necessary to go over it all again, but obviously it was important to me, so finally he would cooperate.

Mind, I went a bit nuts last week. It was our 'anniversary' and Valentine's Day and they both triggered a bout of crazy woman behaviour from me, I'm sorry to say. So I think he realised exactly how much trouble his previous approach was causing...

I do feel more at peace and less angry with it all now, and it'll be easier to work with him going forward I think. Honestly, sometimes I think he's bonkers, if he really thought all those mindgames were going to make the situation easier instead of worse! They say it doesn't matter what your ex says to you, or to know 'the truth', but it has caused a tremendous problem so far, and it has made a big difference to me, to finally get some honesty from him.

So he finally admitted that he's fancied her for years and they started an affair 'not more than two years ago' (that was as much as he was prepared to admit after a lot of insistence on my part. I still think 2008 for various reasons, but hey ho, just the admission that they were having an affair was enough really. That was the biggest mind-eff he was putting on me). Yes, a lot of the things that were flagging up to me that he was having an affair at the time, and he lied and got angry when I asked about them, I was right. Yes, at least some of the weekends away were with her. And late meetings etc. (I knew it, but his insistence that they never once met or talked or emailed or phoned or anything was driving me nuts as it was treating me like a moron). That he stopped loving me a while ago. that he 'gave up' on our relationship and started looking for a way out a while ago (wouldn't say when, but I know several years).
Then as to the reason for all the bullshiite when we split up, why he was pretending that he still loved me and wanted to stay with me as well, why he didn't just leave me instead of making me waste years on someone who no longer loved me, that's the part I'm not even going to try to understand the new stuff he said about. Even more bizarre than everything else. I couldn't even tell you what he was saying it was so nonsensical, I can't even remember it, couldn't get a handle on it at all. So, forget that, and stick to what I really think is the reason. And learn my own lessons from it all for any future relationship so I don't get taken for a mug again.

He did say that he thought he was doing the right thing by me (hmmmm, not convinced by that) but clearly he'd misjudged it and had made things worse for me, and sorry for that. So finally an apology of sorts.

HeadAboveWater

Thanks for posting and updating us

I agree with you on this bit...

it doesn't matter now and it was honestly so bizarre I'll never understand it in a million years. Even if I believed it all. Which I don't. I'd already worked out why he had acted this way- not from thin air but stuff I'd seen - so I'm happy to stick with that explanation that makes sense to me than struggle to get my head around another load of weird stuff, true or untrue.

At least I can look at him now and think 'you're a lying !!!!!!! out of a combination of selfishness and stupidity' rather than 'you're a lying !!!!!!! because you wanted to hurt me as much as possible'

Great to hear that you're not beating yourself up or blaming yourself for any of this. The simple fact of the matter is, he's a !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! :D

And we're all allowed the occasional :mad::eek::mad::eek::mad: moments! Just dust yourself off and move on, and don't waste another minute feeling anything towards him!!! (anger/hatred included!)

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks :-)

We were both to blame/responsible for the failure of our relationship in the first place.

But I'm not taking any blame/responsibility for the nasty way he chose to get out of it.

"don't waste another minute feeling anything towards him!!! (anger/hatred included!)" yes, you are right, I couldn't move on from the anger and hatred not so much because of what happened while we were supposed to be together, but the way he was treating me here and now with all the bullwhatsit. I was so furious with him for putting me through hell with all his lies, but needing to turn up at work and be all nicey-nicey with him. So now that's pretty much been cleared up, I'm feeling a whole lot calmer about it already, and know I can finally move on properly.

edeneve

Hi Ostrichnomore,
I've read your posting in the past but didn't reply...sorry..I just ran into it again after what seems like ages and a few things stand out. and had to reply now.

I had an ex-husband that sounds similar to yours and I wasted 'years' beating myself up, thinking about him, taking in his lies and so on...fo to find out he's babies everywhere and cheated far more than I knew about...I pity the woman he is now living with whose just had his baby.

The thing is I know you're saying you feel better etc....but the way you talk you can see your life is still to an extent moving around him, your thoughts too and whilst I know this feeling I know you will only get your life on track and feel better when you break ties with him for good. Any other way just won't work.

Me and ex have a kid together so we have text contact to arrange things but that is it...I don't see him or speak to him and it has been the only thing that finally got him out of my system and enabled me to fully move on.

I understand your work and other links are tied with him, but as long as those links are in place you will never be who you can be, he will always in some ways have a hold on you. How much time already have you wasted since the break up thinking about him, writing about him, etc and how much longer do you think it will go on. reading your posts reminded me of a place I used to be in and it is the hardest thing ever...but to an extent keeping close proximity with him and keep going over things is your way (you may not know it) of keeping some kind of hold on him too.

Sort out the work and financial issues and make a clean break with him and move on...if you don't how long will you live a 'half life', a year, 2, 5 maybe a decade or more. Forget him and think about yourself and the life waiting for you. Good luck with everything.

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks Edeneve, some good advice there.

I've got my plans but I'm not rushing off, this year I'm finishing degree and it suits me to stay at the business for that, then I can decide definitely whether to stay or go. If I go, I've got a couple of options I'm working towards at the moment. It's a long game, but worth playing.

Sensible_Jess

@ostrichnomore
You're ex sounds a lot like mine - do they give all men at birth a book on how to mess with our heads and make it out that it's all our fault when they behave like this?

You're better off without him - here's hoping you find someone who will treat you better :-)