A harsh punishment or fair enough?

Kiboko

how exactly should the OP's DD have handled the various situations? I believe the OP had sympathy with child B?not just her own child. It's all very well slagging the OP and her daughter, how about some practical advice?

BTW, I think the OP's DD handled things with remarkable maturity for a 9 year old, I also think the OP comes across as fair and balanced.

Sambucus_Nigra

Kiboko wrote: »

how exactly should the OP's DD have handled the various situations? I believe the OP had sympathy with child B?not just her own child. It's all very well slagging the OP and her daughter, how about some practical advice?

BTW, I think the OP's DD handled things with remarkable maturity for a 9 year old, I also think the OP comes across as fair and balanced.

I'm not slagging off anyone. I'm just saying that being more 'people aware' might assist. And if you read my posts you'd see that I suggested using this last episode as a learning opportunity to see how other people behave.


I've not suggested in any way that up til now the handling is wrong.

But don't let that stop you!

Kiboko

but no practical advice? because you sound like an expert (not being snide btw - but practical advice would be appreciated) I am aware that with english not being my first language sometimes (often) i come across as combative and i really don't intend that - i am a 'bit' direct

Spendless

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

a - I've not said it's her fault.
b - She doesn't have the power to change other people, but she does have the power to change her reactions to other people's behaviour [that's all any of us have]
c - You said 'the bullying which has pretty much gone on since the beginning of the school year' - and now the majority of it stopped after your letter. I can only go on the words I read.
d - You posted on here to get other people's opinions. If you only wanted those that agreed with yours, then you should perhaps have said so in the first post. Mine is that a little more 'people savviness' in your DD's situation would be no bad thing, as she's obviously being the subject of a few incidents of 'being wound up'. I suggested using this incident as a learning opportunity to look at how people behave. The whole point of interacting with other people is to learn things. Some of those things will be that other people sometimes aren't nice. Well, sorry to point it out to you - but that's life! She doesn't have to become an ogre as a result, just be more aware of other people and how they behave. You don't think that's a good idea - well, that's your decision. But that teacher won't always be there all the time to look out for her, one day she'll have to start doing that herself.

If you wait for bullies to change their ways, then you may well be waiting a while.

a- you've implied it. That's not just my interpretation of what you've put but several others too.
b, I've said exactly the same thing. She didn't need to change how she reacted. She's done nothing wrong!
c, the bullying has pretty much gone on all year, since it involved many children. When the first incident happens in the Autumn term and the last is the last week of school that's all year to me. The majority stopped when teacher intervened, but there's still been the odd incident. I have repeated this several times.
d, I posted because I initially thought the teacher's punishment was OTT and held a diff view to my husband. Thru this thread I saw where my husband was coming from even though people held a diff view to mine, so I don't even know where you get that idea from.

Politely please agree to disagree. I am happy with the conclusion met.

Sambucus_Nigra

Kiboko wrote: »

but no practical advice? because you sound like an expert (not being snide btw - but practical advice would be appreciated) I am aware that with english not being my first language sometimes (often) i come across as combative and i really don't intend that - i am a 'bit' direct

I have suggested practical advice...

I have suggested that they use this as a learning experience.

It may have passed you by but I have suggested it several times now.

susancs

Spendless wrote: »

Indeed, but that isn't HER fault. She does not have the power to change how people behave. Teacher did. She had the power to punish and talk to the children involved. Saying 'yeah right' wouldn't have changed the fake invite incident as I explained earlier. I don't really see how that response would have helped with the other incidences that occurred either.

My written response from teacher when I complained went along the lines of 'Thank you for informing me. I have spoken to Miss Spendless and she has told me something of what has been going on and named the children involved (as it happened she missed 1 or 2 names out because there were so many of them - it would have been quicker to name the children not doing it!) I have spoken to them and they have admitted it. We have had a chat about how their actions are wrong and will not be tolerated within school. We also chatted about how Miss Spendless' feelings in this matter and they could see how their actions affected another. I feel confident that this will now be the end of the matter but if you have any concerns please feel free to speak to me'

After this the huge majority of bullying stopped.

My DD has been at school with the majority of these children since the age of 3 or 4. Last year she was in the same class as all of them. There were no incidences, nor has there been in the past. Just a chain of events led to it. It is certainly a shame that ring-leader is able to influence children into such negative behaviour but that is upto her to change.

I remain convinced that the way I and my DD went about it was the correct thing to do.

You and your daughter in my opinion dealt with the bullying in a totally appropriate manner. The school have a statutory duty to safeguard children in their care from bullying in all its forms and it is their responsibility to deal with bullying behaviour and support the victim. There is a great deal of research showing that the best way to tackle bullying is to change the behaviour of the bystanders (whose active or passive role may help empower the bully). Bystanders need to understand their role in the bullying and children who witness bullying be encouraged to support the victim by seeking adult help. The school is judged in their OFSTED inspection on the measures they have in place to safeguard children from bullying and encourage respectful positive behaviours between all within the school. They will seek pupils and parental views in this area as children have a right to feel safe in school. If the school are not informed then they cannot deal with any issues of bullying. The child who reported the incident had probably taken on board the lessons the school had provided that if children witness what they consider a bullying incident they should always tell an adult as silence allows bullying to continue. It is then up to the teacher who has knowledge of all the children involved to decide if the behaviour was bullying. I appreciate that it can be hard to define bullying as what may be a fun, teasing, happy incident between some children may be bullying if done in another context with other children and hence the teacher needs to have good knowledge of the intention and personalities in the incident...laughing with is very different than laughing at or trying to belittle for example.

Cat501

I don't understand this at all I don't see how being cynical/streetwise stops you being bullied. You can be as suspicious of people's motives as you like - doesn't mean they're not still going to attempt to take the p***....:(

I think I must be being more than a little obtuse....:/

Sambucus_Nigra

Spendless wrote: »

a- you've implied it. That's not just my interpretation of what you've put but several others too.
b, I've said exactly the same thing. She didn't need to change how she reacted. She's done nothing wrong!
c, the bullying has pretty much gone on all year, since it involved many children. When the first incident happens in the Autumn term and the last is the last week of school that's all year to me. The majority stopped when teacher intervened, but there's still been the odd incident. I have repeated this several times.
d, I posted because I initially thought the teacher's punishment was OTT and held a diff view to my husband. Thru this thread I saw where my husband was coming from even though people held a diff view to mine, so I don't even know where you get that idea from.

Politely please agree to disagree. I am happy with the conclusion met.

And I have repeated several times to use this as a learning experience. If you don't want to then that's absolutely your prerogative. But nowhere have I implied or suggested that it's her fault. That is your's and other people's takes on the matter. Not mine.

If you post on a public forum, you have to be aware that you can expect differing suggestions on dealing with the issue. Mine is different from yours. It's not a problem but just because someone else has a different opinion or way of dealing with something, it doesn't mean either of us are right or wrong. It means we have different ways of doing things. I don't see the point of politely agreeing to disagree - as we aren't disagreeing on anything. All we are doing is typing different words.

NewKittenHelp

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

How am I a victim blaming adult?

I'm suggesting that perhaps being a little more streetwise is no bad thing.

If you would care to expand on your assumption, that would be great - thanks.

You're not suggesting that, your heaping the responsibility of stopping the bullying onto the victim, completely ignoring that the bullies are 100% responsible. That is blaming the victim. Expecting the victim of bullying to change herself to stop the bullying is disgusting. Would you say that if she were bullied for her skin colour?

Kiboko

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I have suggested practical advice...

I have suggested that they use this as a learning experience.

It may have passed you by but I have suggested it several times now.

but by being critical of how the OP and her DD handled situations implies that you know a better way, just saying 'oh well now it's happened treat it as a learning experience' isn't really practical advice IYSWIM ? It comes across as finger wagging 'you should know better' maybe there is a more practical advice?