A harsh punishment or fair enough?

amus

shellsuit wrote: »

Girls can be evil wicked wenches when they want to be.

My daughter has a friend she's been friends with since pre school.

They were really close then all of a sudden, my daughter couldn't do anything with anyone else, or her 'friend' would fall out with her and moan at her.

Because 'friend' was upset, she told their circle of girls that my daughter had upset her, so they all decided to fall out with my daughter.

This didn't happen the once, it's happened about 3 or 4 times now.

New Years Eve just gone, (DD's bday is NYD) daughter asked me if another friend could stay, so I said Yes.

Because 'friend' wasn't invited she got the hump with my daughter, fell out with her, told her that she didn't know why she bothered to buy her a Christmas present and that she wanted it back.

The reason she wasn't invited is because I don't want the brat at this house but the girls didn't know this. My daughter told her that I'd said she could only have 1 friend to stay and she'd asked someone else. 'friend' didn't like this and went on and on. I was fuming, because like I said to my daughter, it's my bloody house and I say who stays here!

The girls are 14 and many a time my daughters been in tears because all the girls have fallen out with her, just because my daughter has decided to do something with someone else!

The last time it was because my daughter wanted to go to a lunchtime music lesson, and have her lunch with one of her boy friends (not like that, he's gay).

Well, 'friend' didn't like that, asked daughter why she'd jibbed her off (went off with someone else), caused a big scene and all the girls fell out with my daughter again.

I've told her time and time again that she must do what SHE wants to do, go where SHE wants to go, and be with who SHE wants to be with, and not freaking jump when bratchild says jump.

I wouldn't mind, but bratchilds family are decent, catholic people. Bratchilds Mum is a teacher in the junior school !!!!!!!

I tear my hair out sometimes, because I can't go to the school (DD begged me not to) or they would all know and fall out with DD even more.

I can't speak to brats parents, because they will speak to brat, brat will take it out on my daughter and everyone won't speak to her again.

It's so bloody upsetting and frustrating and I've told my daughter to stay the hell away from them all because they are NOT friends, but it's a big circle of them and she only has a couple of other lads (both gay) who she hangs around with.

The brat is controlling her, its bullying when they all fall out with her and b!tch on BBM or FB, I'm just at a loss at what to do because I don't want to see my daughter upset but I don't want to make things worse.

I was in exactly the same position as your DD in my first few years of high school. She always made me feel like she was the one with all the friends and if she fell out with me I would have nobody.

One day in a lesson when she accused me of 'bumming' another girl I was friendly with I just cracked and had a massive go at her. I told her I would be friends with whoever the hell I wanted and if she didnt like it she could !!!! off.

From then on in she never said a word to me and it turned out all the other girls didnt fall out with me, and in the end everyone caught on to what a 'psycho' she was.

Is there anyone else your daughter is friendly with who she knows wont fall out with her if she falls out with this friend? Im sorry to say, it sounds cliche, but the only thing that 'broke' this cycle for me was finally standing up to her and telling her where to go.

It all seems so silly now at the age of 26, I wonder how or why the hell I put up with that for so many years, but you forget how hard that age is when you're not yet able to see things from an adult perspective, and think if you stand up for yourself the whole world will be against you.

Janepig

shellsuit wrote: »

I wouldn't mind, but bratchilds family are decent, catholic people. Bratchilds Mum is a teacher in the junior school !!!!!!!

At the risk of upsetting great swathes of posters on here, some of the worst behaved children that DD/DS know have teachers as parents. One of DD's classmates has a teacher for a mother and a policeman for a father and she's awful, and a thief! And one of DS's pals has a policeman for a father and he gets up to some wicked (as in naughty) behaviour. :rotfl: Not a scientific pov obviously, but I've always found it strange.

Jx

Spendless

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

You aren't going to really know whether child B was just teasing or going to humiliate your DD, or whether child C was - well - doing the same in another way.

I'd use this as a learning opportunity to show your DD how to be a bit less gullible and a bit more savvy on what might be playing out in front of her eyes.

If she was to be handing out a punishment to either of the other two - who would she hand it out to and why?

I asked DD this and she said Child B as she had sent the fake invite. I then asked her how Child C knew about it and she said Child B had told her (presumably over lunch?). From that I take it that it was a set up in the hope DD would turn up at the chance to see her hero and be let down.

At this age I don't really want her approaching friendships with a cynical head on as frequently children do fall out and make up. If she discovers by experience that despite 2nd chances there are kids who really can't be trusted to be nice then she needs to keep that in mind in future with regards to those concerned.

Spendless

amus wrote: »

Im sorry to say, it sounds cliche, but the only thing that 'broke' this cycle for me was finally standing up to her and telling her where to go.

That was the only thing I could think of to suggest to you shellsuit. Is she going into yr 10? Is it possible she'll come across other people as she takes her options rather than her current crowd.

dizziblonde

I'd have had words with B too, knowing a history of bullying - I'd have erred on the side of caution and asked why she'd made it but probably in a raised eyebrow chat of the type - "was it a pretendy game like I'm sure it must have been because I hope you'd never be making something like that up to try to fool anyone would you?" Enough for her to know she's being kept an eye on but not much more than that. And if C's the snitchy pain some people think - believe me - by July the teachers would know (and be silently be being driven crazy by it)... generally you can tell how neccessary something is being "told on" by the length of the "miiiiiiiiii-iiiiiisssss" you get before being told the tale!

And I was horrifically bullied physically and emotionally (the emotional stuff from girls was the worst by far) all the way through school - my mother wouldn't intervene to go up to the school about it and just told me tales of how she was bullied herself at school and when I did tell the school about it the nuns just told me it would build my character. In the end it only stopped when I turned around and kicked one of the girls full pelt in the shins - but I've got scars all over my hands and head from where some boys decided to push me to the ground and jump on my hands and ram my head into the floor, which I actually have been known to use in discussions about bullying - a few are very clearly the scars of the size of a child's fingernail from girls digging their nails into me while in the dinner queue or whatever - I've shown kids them, explained the incidents which caused them (at which point they're normally looking very morose and going "oowww") - then explained that while the marks on my hands don't hurt anymore from being hit, punched and pinched - the same sort of scars got left inside me from the verbal type of bullying and those ones DO still hurt... tends to get the point of the long-term consequences of bullying across more than any circle time I've ever found really.

Sambucus_Nigra

Spendless wrote: »

I asked DD this and she said Child B as she had sent the fake invite. I then asked her how Child C knew about it and she said Child B had told her (presumably over lunch?). From that I take it that it was a set up in the hope DD would turn up at the chance to see her hero and be let down.

At this age I don't really want her approaching friendships with a cynical head on as frequently children do fall out and make up. If she discovers by experience that despite 2nd chances there are kids who really can't be trusted to be nice then she needs to keep that in mind in future with regards to those concerned.

But if she had just said 'yeah right' then this whole episode would have been averted. It's looking like she is an easy target.

There is a difference between being cynical and a bit more streetwise.

Spendless

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

But if she had just said 'yeah right' then this whole episode would have been averted. It's looking like she is an easy target.

There is a difference between being cynical and a bit more streetwise.

She didn't get chance to say anything. The lunch bell went. By the time they'd gone back to lessons B had told C and C told teacher. Even if she had said 'yeah right' it wouldn't have changed anything, as teacher never asked my DD about it.

I am VERY PROUD of the way my DD has handled the bullying which has pretty much gone on since the beginning of the school year. It has frustrated me at times when she has been polite back to people being horrible to her eg the child who told her twice to her face that 'I really don't like you'. DD replied ' Do you think I haven't realised that?'. That is neither giving the perpetrator an upset reaction nor being rude back. This has stood DD in good stead when I complained to teacher as there could not be 'ahh but Miss she did so and so.' Believe me I have an older child who retailiates and I know the hot water it lands him in.

Saturnalia

Your daughter sounds very intelligent & level-headed in the way she's been dealing with these girls, not giving them the upset reaction they're prodding for and not retaliating (bullies play victim very well & the retaliator is usually the one punished).

Not that she should have to deal with it, though

I bet you're so glad she'll be out of this nest of vipers next year and I hope she finds nice real mates in the new class. Do you know any of them and their parents, could you arrange something social over the summer?

Sadly I agree that if the coven hasn't been split, they'll just find a new victim next year, but that's for the school to deal with. At least your girl can breathe easy.

Sambucus_Nigra

Spendless wrote: »

She didn't get chance to say anything. The lunch bell went. By the time they'd gone back to lessons B had told C and C told teacher. Even if she had said 'yeah right' it wouldn't have changed anything, as teacher never asked my DD about it.

I am VERY PROUD of the way my DD has handled the bullying which has pretty much gone on since the beginning of the school year. It has frustrated me at times when she has been polite back to people being horrible to her eg the child who told her twice to her face that 'I really don't like you'. DD replied ' Do you think I haven't realised that?'. That is neither giving the perpetrator an upset reaction nor being rude back. This has stood DD in good stead when I complained to teacher as there could not be 'ahh but Miss she did so and so.' Believe me I have an older child who retailiates and I know the hot water it lands him in.

I think bold and underlining and capitals is great.

But perhaps being a little more streetwise might have prevented a whole year of bullying...

NewKittenHelp

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I think bold and underlining and capitals is great.

But perhaps being a little more streetwise might have prevented a whole year of bullying...

Perhaps if there weren't any victim blaming adults like you in the world then all bullying would be prevented?