Hypothetically speaking........

dizsiebubba

Tropez wrote: »

Before I decided to leave, I would first make enquiries about local anger management courses, particularly those run by NHS mental health services for free.

Some people struggle to control their anger, possibly due to having never been taught ways to manage it appropriately. Rather than give up on them as a person, there are proven methods of helping someone deal with their anger more effectively if they are willing to put the effort into it.

Very sensible! I know somebody whose OH was physically abused by an alcoholic parent throughout their childhood following the death of the other parent. He sometimes regresses, maybe twice a year and gets so angry he breaks something... But at the end of the day he brakes things not her....and before anybody says there isn't a difference, don't be silly of course there is... We eat chicken, pork, beef but we don't eat people...

I told her that if it is just now and again to try and support him so that it doesn't get tha far in the future xxx

ETA- I hadn't read the other bits about your son before.... I don't think it is the same situation as above...your OH does sound a bit like a bully

amyloofoo

fifi_browne wrote: »

Thank you - yes plenty of evidence of his trashing. Yes we own the house jointly. Yes horrendous his treatment and bullying to my son who eventually left. He has his own young kids, but has no input into them except financially.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear; but how could you stay with a man who bullied your child? If the other things aren't enough to make you leave, then this alone should be.

I know it's hard, but there's a lot of support out there, and you have so much to gain by taking control.

rockcake67

If that was my situation i would insist that he sought some help with his anger issues.If he refused i would either leave or tell him he has to go.i would also go to the cab and see what financial help i could claim and register with the council or look to rent privately.take care.

Lotus-eater

fifi_browne wrote: »

Thank you - yes plenty of evidence of his trashing. Yes we own the house jointly. Yes horrendous his treatment and bullying to my son who eventually left.

You allowed that????

And you let him drive your son to go and live with his father??

And you still let him walk all over you and smash up the house?

Errrmmmm

Is this a trick question?

Silver_123

thatgirlsam wrote: »

How dare he!

Have you suggested Anger Management?

Think he had it once, but he loses control, think he had counselling too - very very moody chap.

thatgirlsam

fifi_browne wrote: »

Thank you - yes plenty of evidence of his trashing. Yes we own the house jointly. Yes horrendous his treatment and bullying to my son who eventually left. He has his own young kids, but has no input into them except financially.

He doesn't deserve anyone

Your poor boy

I would ask for divorce, get half the house and if possible move to Aus to be near your son.

I make it sound so easy, I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not.

But you don't have to stay with him. You're gonna have to look your son in the eye one day.

Silver_123

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You allowed that????

And you let him drive your son to go and live with his father??

And you still let him walk all over you and smash up the house?

Errrmmmm

Is this a trick question?

Yes to all of it, except the last bit, no this is not a trick question, I promise.

Silver_123

thatgirlsam wrote: »

He doesn't deserve anyone

Your poor boy

I would ask for divorce, get half the house and if possible move to Aus to be near your son.

I make it sound so easy, I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not.

But you don't have to stay with him. You're gonna have to look your son in the eye one day.

We started to separate at the beginning of the year - and his tears were incredible, he never ever stopped crying and lost weight, and I felt blackmailed to stay. This is the truth. I am frightened of being alone, especially now my son has gone and he was absolutely the love of my life!

Tropez

Jinx wrote: »

I think the above is fair comment. However, I always doubt the lack of control bit - if he cannot control his anger funny how its the OPs stuff only that gets broken. Is that akin to how abusive hubbys who hit their wives manage to not hit where it will show??

It depends on circumstances. Sometimes someone can lose control on one level but the subconscious can still set limits on the behaviour. As an example, people who have anger issues that are exacerbated by things not working the way they should, such as an expensive piece of machinery like a computer or Blu-Ray player, are far more likely to damage an inexpensive peripheral related to that machinery than the machinery itself. Someone would be much more inclined to throw/hit a keyboard, mouse or remote control than they would actually damage the item causing the irritation because the subconscious knowledge of the expense redirects the anger at something else.

Of course, this isn't the place for psycho-analysis after a couple of posts but it may be the case that subconsciously the OP's OH knows that bringing harm to his partner is an inexcusable action, so in its warped way, his mind targets "things" instead due to his inability to manage his anger accordingly and acceptably. Of course, that may not be the case and only the OP's OH has the ability to try and resolve whatever it is that is causing him to behave in such a manner. Whatever does happen and whether the OP leaves or not, it is necessary for this man to seek counselling, anger management and possibly psychotherapy before his anger consumes him and he causes irreversible harm to someone, instead of something.

As for men who hit their wives in such a way where the bruises and scars won't show, there's a more devious and calculated methodology to that. While in some cases the subconscious might fear being caught, in most studies on the subject people who behave in this manner have much more severe psychological issues.

jayII

fifi_browne wrote: »

Thank you - yes plenty of evidence of his trashing. Yes we own the house jointly. Yes horrendous his treatment and bullying to my son who eventually left. He has his own young kids, but has no input into them except financially.

There are no words!

How old is your son? Not that it really matters! Parents are supposed to protect their children.

Edited to add: I remember your earlier thread, I was disgusted then and that hasn't changed. I would walk over coals for my children and can't understand a person who allows a partner to come into their life and abuse their teenage child.