Ever felt like just taking off.....

londonsurrey

Nothing to do with your dilemma, but you've set me thinking about the trials and tribulations of moving abroad.

Some friends of mine took early retirement and moved to Spain. They were meticulous, they planned, they bought exactly the furniture they wanted from Ikea, and drove a trailer of the stuff to their new home.

Hundreds of miles later, in said trailer loaded with efficiently flat packed furniture, on the outskirts of (Madrid?), they spotted an Ikea.

Sambucus_Nigra

CrixuS wrote: »

The thing is they have real trouble acknowledging that they are even doing anything wrong. They don't see themselves as being selfish, they are so wrapped up in what they want to do.I have told them "we are not getting any younger" "Dad can't do the things he used to do" but water off a ducks back with them.If I say anything about fathers day they automatically take it as an invite to dinner so I have stopped saying anything now.Yes you're right its way past that now, we have given up with them.

'We are not getting any younger' and 'Dad can't do the things he used to do' is too cryptic - what are they supposed to do with that information?

You need to be as blunt as they seem to be. Invite them round. Make a niceish spread of food. Tell them officially what I said earlier and then ask them to leave once they have done the dishes. If any of them have taken anything on board they will 'get this' and do the dishes. If they don't - then as they leave you can say 'asking you to do the dishes was a test. It's proving the point that you have no respect'.

krlyr

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

'We are not getting any younger' and 'Dad can't do the thins he used to do' is too cryptic - what are they supposed to do with that information?

You need to be as blunt as they seem to be. Invite them round. Make a niceish spread of food. Tell them officially what I said earlier and then ask them to leave once they have done the dishes. If any of them have taken anything on board they will 'get this' and do the dishes. If they don't - then as they leave you can say 'asking you to do the dishes was a test. It's proving the point that you have no respect'.

I agree with this.
Your comment about them visiting more if you moved abroad somewhere nice struck a chord too. Do they realise that you don't enjoy their visits? Do they just turn up unannounced or do you feel obliged to invite them over as they're your children?
I personally don't feel that blood is thicker than water and do not speak to my dad as I do not like the person he is. I would rather associate myself with family I actually like.
It seems that moving abroad would be a non-confrontational way to deal with this situation but not an entirely effective one if the children still feel welcome to infringe on you with freebie holiday accomodation. Why not actually let them know how you feel? You may be able to solve the situation without lifting a finger, they have no automatic right to visit you or enter your house if you don't let them.
As others have said, what about moving to a different area in this country if you want to get away from them? A bit less of a step than moving to a whole new country. If you really don't wish to see the children, you don't even have to tell them where you've moved to.

CrixuS_2

krlyr wrote: »

I agree with this.
Your comment about them visiting more if you moved abroad somewhere nice struck a chord too. Do they realise that you don't enjoy their visits? Do they just turn up unannounced or do you feel obliged to invite them over as they're your children?
I personally don't feel that blood is thicker than water and do not speak to my dad as I do not like the person he is. I would rather associate myself with family I actually like.
It seems that moving abroad would be a non-confrontational way to deal with this situation but not an entirely effective one if the children still feel welcome to infringe on you with freebie holiday accomodation. Why not actually let them know how you feel? You may be able to solve the situation without lifting a finger, they have no automatic right to visit you or enter your house if you don't let them.
As others have said, what about moving to a different area in this country if you want to get away from them? A bit less of a step than moving to a whole new country. If you really don't wish to see the children, you don't even have to tell them where you've moved to.

No they usually let us know they are coming, they invite themselves over with "what's for dinner"? We have stopped inviting them. They also invite themselves over for Christmas but we have made it clear that this year we want to be on our own or that we may go away.

We never get invited over to them for dinner, only when they want something done and if we are very lucky dinner might get thrown in. We also used to ring before we visited but all we would get was a cup of tea and a biscuit even if it was lunch time.It's very tempting to move and not tell them where, we have joked about that many times.

CrixuS_2

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

'We are not getting any younger' and 'Dad can't do the thins he used to do' is too cryptic - what are they supposed to do with that information?

You need to be as blunt as they seem to be. Invite them round. Make a niceish spread of food. Tell them officially what I said earlier and then ask them to leave once they have done the dishes. If any of them have taken anything on board they will 'get this' and do the dishes. If they don't - then as they leave you can say 'asking you to do the dishes was a test. It's proving the point that you have no respect'.

We have been blunt and to the point many times and have actually asked for help. One son said that why should he help if we are too mean to pay someone to do it. He would laugh in my face at 'doing the dishes'.

londonsurrey

CrixuS wrote: »

No they usually let us know they are coming, they invite themselves over with "what's for dinner"?

Why aren't you replying with things like "We're having roast beef. Why, what are you having?"

More to the point, why are you allowing such presumptuous behaviour to result in them staying for lunch?

System

We have been blunt and to the point many times and have actually asked for help. One son said that why should he help if we are too mean to pay someone to do it. He would laugh in my face at 'doing the dishes'.

In that case you need to be strong and say no more!

lostinrates

How old are they? Are they settled? Any grandchildren?

krlyr

CrixuS wrote: »

No they usually let us know they are coming, they invite themselves over with "what's for dinner"? We have stopped inviting them. They also invite themselves over for Christmas but we have made it clear that this year we want to be on our own or that we may go away.

I think it may be time to be extremely blunt - if they ask what's for dinner, reply with "Nothing", if they turn up, don't cook them anything. If you don't want to see them, don't even let them in!
I'm struggling to believe adults could act that way, I often jokingly invite myself over for dinner - which sometimes results in a real dinner invite but they know I'm joking and they enjoy having us over. If your children really aren't getting the hint then they need to be told as bluntly as possible, they are being rude and almost driving you out of the country with their behaviour.

Pollycat

krlyr wrote: »

I think it may be time to be extremely blunt - if they ask what's for dinner, reply with "Nothing", if they turn up, don't cook them anything. If you don't want to see them, don't even let them in!
I'm struggling to believe adults could act that way, I often jokingly invite myself over for dinner - which sometimes results in a real dinner invite but they know I'm joking and they enjoy having us over. If your children really aren't getting the hint then they need to be told as bluntly as possible, they are being rude and almost driving you out of the country with their behaviour.

I agree - from what you've said bluntness seems to be the only answer.

If you really don't want them coming round you're going to have to spell it out to them - and stick to it.