Son, 15 - Sleepover Question

jellyhead

fletch3163 wrote: »

I'm finding all of your views invaluable, thank you:T

I have some FACTS about the night now.

They went after school on Friday to this kid's house. This kid's mum was going out for the evening, leaving a 16 year old in charge. she came back at the end of the evening.

There were a total of maybe 16 kids there (two were 16, the rest my DS age). They were daring each other to drink. One drunk neat vodka:eek: and allegedly passed out. There was Jack Daniels too, and Mad Dog. Blows my "couple of beers" out the water.

Only 5 of DS age group were allowed to stay (and 1 went home soon after seeing booze was in play).

My concern really was less about the boozing, but more about him getting to galavant around town when he wouldn't be allowed here. He's not streetwise in any way (mind you, none of them are to be honest).

I absolutely hear those of you who say I really need to loosen the grip. I do, but I want even that to be a controlled loosening . That's what I thought I was doing with the "odd beer" with the odd pal or two.

Is he in year 10 or 11? I relaxed my grip when he was in year 11 but am still worried because he is so tiny, so he could get alcohol poisoning a lot fast than his friends who weigh twice as much as he does. I was so glad that he loved his saturday morning guitar lesson more than he loved partying - he was always happy to get a lift home at midnight.

At this age there are 15 year olds whose parents go away for the weekend and there are parents who will take orders and get the booze in for a party.

I've tried to make my son aware of the dangers of being too drunk, the dangers of being out and not being safe in the roads or around the chavs at pub closing time, the dangers of drugs, etc. and told him that if he or any of his friends are in trouble they can always phone me and I won't be angry.

The thing I am most frightened of is them being near the town centre and getting beaten up for having long hair or wearing rock t-shirts. He assures me that they all have a rule that nobody will go out after 10pm.

It's so difficult trying to loosen the apron strings and let them fit in, but keep them from danger. I thought I was doing a good job until last week when he lied. He says I should be pleased that he told me afterwards!

pinkclouds

fletch3163 wrote: »

If your almost 15 year old son was invited to a sleepover at a schoolfriend's house with around 6 other kids, would you ask for the mother's number to call?

My son says I'm too old fashioned and he ended up not going because I wanted to check. I find being mum to a teen a complete minefield. Second guess myself constantly

Bearing in mind my kids are a decade younger... I would not sanction a sleepover at friend's house unless I already knew the child and the mother. Ergo, I would already have the mom's phone number.

Even though he's a teenager, he's still a minor under your care. I would definitely expect to verify the event with the other mom - not least of which to thank her for offering to host my child! It's no small thing to have half a dozen lanky teens hogging your living space and filling their bottomless tummies. My child would only be attending after the invitation was verified *and* armed with some cookies or other thank you gift - from me to the mom.

If you were concerned about him being away overnight, I'd have thought he'd have his own cell phone by now. A goodnight text - with reply from said child - would be sufficient. If you didn't trust the other mom to contact you if something happened to your child then you shouldn't let him attend in the first place.

FWIW, if this was an older teen going shopping/for coffee/the local pub with friends, then it would be sufficient if my own child asked me if they could go out and for them to promise to call/text when they needed a lift home. (I've never had a real curfew myself - my parents were happy so long as I always rang for a lift home.) Going "out" doesn't impose on other moms the way hosting a sleepover/party does. Yes, I'd be happy to trust my child if they were savvy enough to go out alone and if they kept me informed. However, I would not be happy for them to go round to other people's homes without an explicit invitation and proportionate acknowledgement/thanks. Popping into a friend's home for half an hour to "hang out" is one thing - staying there all night is something else!

fletch3163

jellyhead wrote: »

Is he in year 10 or 11? I relaxed my grip when he was in year 11 but am still worried because he is so tiny, so he could get alcohol poisoning a lot fast than his friends who weigh twice as much as he does. I was so glad that he loved his saturday morning guitar lesson more than he loved partying - he was always happy to get a lift home at midnight.

He's just finishing year 10 (Scotland). I feel like I'm canvassing the opinion of the world to justify myself. Completely not like me.

I've since snooped further (am grateful I'm not getting the whole "don't invade his privacy" routine ) only to find vodka/pass out boy's mother knows nothing of his drinking (though she knew he was staying over - she didn't phone).

I now also know that from the cast of thousands attending, only 4 stayed over. Weird thing is, when the mother came back at the end of the evening her own children slept in their bed whilst all guests were in the living room? I thought a sleepover was sharing sleeping rooms.

jellyhead

You could ask the world but you'd get conflicting opinions. A couple of years ago I'd probably have said the complete opposite of what I'd say now that mine is 15.

I think that if your son really wants to hang around with this boy then the most important thing you can tell him is how many young boys get mugged or attacked just because a bunch of drunks doesn't like their t-shirt. The town centre, or chucking out time in a rough area, is not somewhere you want him to be.

Seanymph

I would also have offered different advice when mine were younger.... experience teaches you.

As long as your son wasn't passed out with vodka you've done ok as a mum. You can't prevent him from being exposed to this stuff, you can only equip him to make the right decision when it occurs.

fletch3163

I'm happy to report my son has had no I'll effects of his mother being a big scaredy cat:o. Nobody gave him a hard time (which I was worried about too).

He wasn't the only one not allowed (as luck would have it) so I feel slightly better................until the next time........dum, dum, duuuum

Thanks this wonderful section for helping me and not judging me. On this site it can be hit and miss with people sometimes taking cheap shots. Am so grateful to you alll:T

Savvy_Sue

jellyhead wrote: »

The thing I am most frightened of is them being near the town centre and getting beaten up for having long hair or wearing rock t-shirts. He assures me that they all have a rule that nobody will go out after 10pm.

That was precisely my fear when DS3 and his friend were proposing to walk home at silly o'clock! DS3 with hair down to his waist, his friend a really 'pretty' boy - I can't think of a better word than 'pretty' to describe him at that age, he was just small and dark and almost elfin like! So, those two, practically arm in arm, talking 19 to the dozen, oblivious to what's going on around them ... err, NO!

fletch3163

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

That was precisely my fear when DS3 and his friend were proposing to walk home at silly o'clock! DS3 with hair down to his waist, his friend a really 'pretty' boy - I can't think of a better word than 'pretty' to describe him at that age, he was just small and dark and almost elfin like! So, those two, practically arm in arm, talking 19 to the dozen, oblivious to what's going on around them ... err, NO!

That is my worry too. I say this to my husband as well. He thinks if he has his happy head on then so does the rest of the world. I used to call him batfink (my wings are like a shield of Steele).

There are so many bad pigs out there. I know I can't protect Jack forever but I hope to do it for a little longer!

jellyhead

fletch3163 wrote: »

I'm happy to report my son has had no I'll effects of his mother being a big scaredy cat:o. Nobody gave him a hard time (which I was worried about too).

He wasn't the only one not allowed (as luck would have it) so I feel slightly better................until the next time........dum, dum, duuuum

Thanks this wonderful section for helping me and not judging me. On this site it can be hit and miss with people sometimes taking cheap shots. Am so grateful to you alll:T

I found that by the start of year 11 only the girls were going home by midnight, and mine was the only boy who wasn't allowed to stay all night. The first school holiday party he wanted to go to there was no guitar lesson next day and he wanted to stay over.

In the end I did let him, but we spoke about him not going walkabouts at night and things like not drinking so much that he passed out, etc. and I got the address of the party. He came back with only 1 eyebrow, but I shouldn't tell you things like that :rotfl:

fletch3163

See, my boy has been to this house before. It was for a birthday party. He wasn't allowed to stay over. I knew the mother was allowing a certain amount of booze so was prepared (I thought).

Anyway, I told my son he should answer me when I called (has a habit of ignoring his mum:o). I had prepped myself to let him stay out till maybe midnight. So, I wrestle the decision to call from husband at half 10. Speak to son who says "I've just left". My heart nearly stopped:eek:

I told him to get to a main street, wait at a bus stop till I got there. See, happy head, just like his dad:p

He's not a worldly wise boy.