Son, 15 - Sleepover Question

mavvis

OP you really should be trusting your Son and treating him like a Young Adult rather than a little boy that needs checked up on.

At 15 he should be independent enough for you not to have to ring his Friends Parents!

Seanymph

If I didn't already have the parents number through a personal relationship with them then no, I wouldn't phone.

I would make sure he had his mobile on, and not on silent (!) - and either let him go or not.

Why are you phoning? Once you can answer that you can work out what your actual issue is.

Do you care that she may be out and they'll trash her house? You don't know her, she isn't a friend, HER son has done this - she needs to deal with it appropriately herself. Many parents are quite liberal I find, chances are that she already knows so I can't see that as an excuse.

Are you worried your son will access alcohol? Well, he'll do that anyway.

I have had all my teens go through this now (youngest SS is now 16) and if you havne't given them a sufficiently reliable moral compass to make sensible decisions by now you've already missed the boat.

I cannot tell you how harsh these boys are to each other in their desperate drives to assume masculinity - having an overbearing helicopter mother who is the only one who calls his mates mum would take some serious living down!

They have to blend, they have to give the appearance of nonchalance and rebellion and indifference to parents actions. Even when they then come home, curl up on the sofa next to you, and laugh all the way through megamind again...

It's a hard hard age. But he's dealing with all sorts. If you are worried he'll get drunk, talk to him about drinking, collect him at the end of the night and see if he's alright.

Generally at parties my SS has gone to if someone gets throwing up drunk the kids phone the parents fairly quick to get them taken away before they wreck the carpet.

All kids have mobiles, if he gets into trouble he can call you - you can call him in an emergency, but let's be honest, what sort of emergency are you going to have that means you desperately need to contact a 15 year old for support at 2am.

You will need to start showing some respect to him (whether you feel it or not) and visibly backing off, or you will end up with no communication from him as he hits really difficult times.

As long as you take him and pick him up, he's where he said he would be - as long as you know who he's with and they have your numbers on their phone he can get hold of you - if his mates have your numbers they can call you - if you have his friends on facebook you'll see the pictures within hours (hundreds of them!).

I have five teens (one just out now actually!) - and I have loads of their mates numbers, they have mine - I have lots of them on facebook, We talk about things, 'ok, you want to go, where will you be, who with, what time are you going, what time coming back'.

If those things are in order and it doesn't affect schooling then generally I say yes.

If it is something they know will have lots of alcohol or drugs they tend not to go...... Prom is fine, they haven't been allowed to afterparties - what's the point.

But no, I would never phone another parent on a 16 year old - the mum will tell her child and your son will never live it down. It doesn't mean anything sinister that to shut you up he didn't go - it just means he'll resent you a bit more and is more likely to lie to you next time.

fletch3163

Well, thank you all so much for your input.

I wasn't worried about him going, I was worried about him staying. I don't know the mother but she definitely has a semi-relaxed attitude to booze. I am not anti booze but am definitely anti steaming drunk! I was also worried what time they were allowed out until (close to town centre and real neds:mad:)

Only reading what you all say has made me think properly. Someone posted earlier that I need to think what my issues ACTUALLY are

My issue is definitely about him staying over. It turns me cold. What is that?

Some of you make mention of his peer pressure and the thought I'm turning my boy into a laughing stock makes me weep. I want the opposite, for him to fit in:(

Hiddenidenity

I agree with the posters that wouldnt have asked for the parents number. If he hasn't give you a reason not to trust him then no doubt he feels upset that your doubting him for "no reason"

I cant really say about when I was growing up becuase I'd already left home and was living with my partner at 15 but I know for my sister she was trusted until she broke the trust they said and luckily shes nearly 17 and hasnt broken it yet

Spottedleopard

If he has given you no reason to mistrust him, then I wouldn't. Im only 24 and I can remember what boys could be like at that age- he wouldn't of heard the end of it if you rung up and the boys mother came in and told him you had.

HOWEVER- if there is something underlying and he has broken your trust before then yes I probably would.

balletshoes

fletch3163 wrote: »

Well, thank you all so much for your input.

I wasn't worried about him going, I was worried about him staying. I don't know the mother but she definitely has a semi-relaxed attitude to booze. I am not anti booze but am definitely anti steaming drunk! I was also worried what time they were allowed out until (close to town centre and real neds:mad:)

Only reading what you all say has made me think properly. Someone posted earlier that I need to think what my issues ACTUALLY are

My issue is definitely about him staying over. It turns me cold. What is that?

Some of you make mention of his peer pressure and the thought I'm turning my boy into a laughing stock makes me weep. I want the opposite, for him to fit in:(

you say the issue is about him staying over. Do you know why that turns you cold? Has he not had sleepovers/been to sleepovers before?

He's 15, I'm not saying you let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants, but you need to loosen the reins a little I think.
My DD is 11 and for the past school year theres hardly been a weekend thats gone by when she hasn't either had friends over for a sleepover, or she's been at her friends overnight. I know the parents/older siblings etc, and I trust them and my DD to keep safe and have fun.

Do you know your son's friends who are having the sleepovers?

Its hard being a parent, but I have to say my parents were exactly the same as some others here, they trusted us as teenagers until we broke the trust. Thats not to say we didn't break rules but my parents never found out about it - which is for the best for everyone concerned really!

squidge60

I will add on from my last post that our dd stays at friends overnight including boys we let her because bottom line she would find a way if it suited her and i like to think we can trust her.We dont phone anyone i feel shes growing up so trying to let go a certain amount. Maybe if you let your son do a bit little by little you will feel more relaxed about it .?

Lara44

If you don't let him earn some independence you'll be acting against his best interests.

starrybee

I think it's completely OTT to be needing the number at that age.

And as for alcohol, teenagers at that age drink. They will find a way to get it, they will find a place to drink it, and unless you want to chain him to the house and make him resent you forever I would let him get on with it and make his own mistakes - how else will he learn?

fletch3163

I'm finding all of your views invaluable, thank you:T

I have some FACTS about the night now.

They went after school on Friday to this kid's house. This kid's mum was going out for the evening, leaving a 16 year old in charge. she came back at the end of the evening.

There were a total of maybe 16 kids there (two were 16, the rest my DS age). They were daring each other to drink. One drunk neat vodka:eek: and allegedly passed out. There was Jack Daniels too, and Mad Dog. Blows my "couple of beers" out the water.

Only 5 of DS age group were allowed to stay (and 1 went home soon after seeing booze was in play).

My concern really was less about the boozing, but more about him getting to galavant around town when he wouldn't be allowed here. He's not streetwise in any way (mind you, none of them are to be honest).

I absolutely hear those of you who say I really need to loosen the grip. I do, but I want even that to be a controlled loosening . That's what I thought I was doing with the "odd beer" with the odd pal or two.