Son, 15 - Sleepover Question

pink68

fletch3163 wrote: »

Thanks all, I appreciate all your input. I used to be so sure of myself and how I was bringing my son up. Now I doubt everything.

I don't seem to be marching to the same drum as the other mums in this group (I don't know any of them as we live a bit away from the rest). I'm want so badly for him to be safe and happy. I'm happy that I' m not the only mum not allowing that particular sleepover though. My son had one friend over last night to stay over.

I will caveat all the above by saying I do have separation anxiety. I hate the idea of him not being home at bedtime yikes

Dont be so sure the other mothers dont feel the same as you. He's only going to tell you what he thinks will help his argument. It maybe just that x is always allowed to stay at y's cos they've known each other for years, but in fact x AND y are probably staying at z's without their parents knowing.

I'm not down on teenagers but I know what I was like, and trust me once you're mother has dragged you back from somewhere in front of all your mates or sent your older brother to spy on you, you just decide to tell the truth!

pink68

fletch3163 wrote: »

Millibear and kizzy, I assume you are both girls? I thought being the mum of a boy would have been easier to be honest. How naive am I?

I feel like girls look out for each other in a way boys don't though. Maybe I just stereotype boys but I think of jackass when I see them in headlocks on the trampoline.

trust me girls can be cruel just in a far more psychological way!

I'd rather my daughter went out with her 'boy' mates than her 'girl' mates any day!

Bennifred

Better safe than sorry! I think you did the right thing OP - if he'd handed the contact details over without a murmur then you might not have felt the same need to check..... Trust your instincts!

From the mother of three sons (one still a teenager)

midnightraven3

the fact he didnt go at all rather than give you the details says you did the right thing

pmlindyloo

I think the problem is the kids think that you are checking up on them (and of course you are and, in my opinion, quite rightly so!) but as part of this wonderful time when they are growing into adults they are super sensitive about not being trusted.

We managed to get over this by instilling a regime where 'everyone must tell someone where they are and give a contact number/address when they are away for more than a couple of hours' in case someone falls ill/there is an accident and contact needs to be made.

The obvious comeback from them about 'I've got my mobile' is easily dealt with my saying 'you may not hear it', 'the signal may be bad' etc etc.

Now the kids have left home my OH and I still continue with this between each other. After all, the truth of the matter is that it is important to know where loved ones are just in case of an emergency.

Worked for us.

BlueAngelCV

My initial thought was that you were being OTT and that I would have been mortified if at age 15 my mum tried to call a friend's parent to check up on me. Then I remembered what I was like at 15 and decided that you're probably right to check.

It's a fine line to walk though. Do you know these friends, does he often spent time with them? I don't think that you can be too protective at that age but your DS does need to earn trust.

Janepig

fletch3163 wrote: »

Millibear and kizzy, I assume you are both girls? I thought being the mum of a boy would have been easier to be honest. How naive am I?

I feel like girls look out for each other in a way boys don't though. Maybe I just stereotype boys but I think of jackass when I see them in headlocks on the trampoline.

My two aren't teenagers yet, but I think I'll be far more worried about DS than DD when they start going out. As far as assaults and general "trouble" goes, ime it's overwhelmingly boys it affects rather than girls. I've long been a bit puzzled as to why some people are quite happy to see their sons go out, but worry sick about their daughters, when really imo it should be the other way around. So, OP, I think it's good that you are at the very least, cautious.

Jx

fletch3163

BlueAngelCV wrote: »

My initial thought was that you were being OTT and that I would have been mortified if at age 15 my mum tried to call a friend's parent to check up on me. Then I remembered what I was like at 15 and decided that you're probably right to check.

It's a fine line to walk though. Do you know these friends, does he often spent time with them? I don't think that you can be too protective at that age but your DS does need to earn trust.

My son hasn't ever done anything for me to MISTRUST him to be honest. I'm just super bad at giving him freedom. I know I'd better get a grip of it soon. He gets to go where he wants but I need to know about it and I prefer him home at bedtime. Reading it back makes me look hellish I think but I can't turn it off.

I know there are other mums like me, but just not in this particular group of pals

amus

I would defo check!

The only reason I couldnt get away with doing a lot of the naughty things I wanted to do as a teen was because my Mum would ask for a landline number to confim if I was indeed 'sleeping at a friends house' i.e. going to a late night party getting blotto.

tyllwyd

So you knew the schoolfriend and knew the mum (or knew of the mum, at least)? And your son has his own mobile? If you had her number, what would you have done, called at 10pm to make sure he'd settled down quietly for the night?

I think if your son is almost 15, I wouldn't have fussed about the number - either I'd have let him go to the sleepover or I'd have said I wasn't happy for him to go because I thought they'd be drinking. I think getting the mum's number is a bit of a side issue.