Son, 15 - Sleepover Question

Cat501

KxMx wrote: »

Likely- but i'm sure you could come up with some reason you'd need to speak to the adult and not dd/ds.

I could - but nothing they wouldn't see through in a heartbeat!

I'm sorry things have been difficult with your mum I used to think my mum was over-protective but now I see she really wasn't at all. In reality I had a lot of freedom.

Does your brother tend to tell her a lot about his life?

My son is 14, quite often stays at friend's houses, they're a nice crowd so I have no problem with it and don't feel the need to do any checking up once he's there. Nor do any of his friends' parents check up with me - except one, who often phones to find out if her son is here or if I've seen him. I find her a little over-protective, but that's her prerogative, it's her son - I just hope it doesn't escalate so they end up in the position you're in, it's very sad x

Cat501

geoffky wrote: »

I thought you were asking if it was ok for your 15yrs old lad to have his gf to sleepover at first..I was going to say yes as long as separate bedrooms.. whats the problem they will find a way behind your back as i did at 15..

I agree, I found a way, and my mum found a way to pull the wool over her mum's eyes too, I've heard all the stories! My poor 92 year old gran is only now finding out some of it:rotfl:

KxMx

Cat501 wrote: »

I could - but nothing they wouldn't see through in a heartbeat!

I'm sorry things have been difficult with your mum I used to think my mum was over-protective but now I see she really wasn't at all. In reality I had a lot of freedom.

Does your brother tend to tell her a lot about his life?

My son is 14, quite often stays at friend's houses, they're a nice crowd so I have no problem with it and don't feel the need to do any checking up once he's there. Nor do any of his friends' parents check up with me - except one, who often phones to find out if her son is here or if I've seen him. I find her a little over-protective, but that's her prerogative, it's her son - I just hope it doesn't escalate so they end up in the position you're in, it's very sad x

Well my brother was always able to be more independent and rarely home (when he lived here) for her to ask. There was also a spell where she treated my Brother very favourably in a situation she never would have allowed me to carry on with- and to my own disadvantage- but that's another story.

It took me alot of years to realise the questions were not right, because I have been trained to answer anything she asks and treat it as normal. And now despite lots of comments and some discussions between us, she still does it and although I am on my guard things slip through. I still live at home at 25 due to ill health (which I do understand naturally adds to her treating me in cotton wool etc). Because I have stopped dancing to her tune, she feels hard done by and makes me feel as though i'm the one in the wrong at times.

Mum just is very nosy and can't help asking the questions- whereas I too freely admit to being very nosy but I know when not to say anything.

Just this week I asked her to pick up a dvd player for me from Argos (mine died), and when I said thank you again, the reply was "that's ok, I didn't even know you needed one"- because she expects every detail of my life to be known to her, like a kid at primary school. Now reading the words it may seem i'm being unreasonable, but you'd have to hear her tone (amazement that I hadn't reported to her that mine had died beforehand etc, rather than a neutral, making conversation type comment) to understand.

When I (rarely now) bring new clothes home, I would be asked to show her them, they would be admired, and then "if you don't mind me asking how much did they cost?" Or in the case of jewelery, I would get the "I like that' i'm going to steal it" joking smile. When it's been going on for so many years, since when I really was a child, it wears thin!

There are more personal and sinister examples I could give but I won't- one of the reasons I say it goes beyond "normal" parental questioning.

Then there was the "if I won the lottery" conversation yesterday where she said she'd buy a house with a granny-annexe for me- no ta! :eek:

:cool:

I don't want anyone to think I don't love my Mum dearly because I do and I wouldn't want to be without her, but if she didn't treat me like a child in combination with the nosiness we would have a much better relationship. As it is I dream of the day when I can move out and not be subjected to all the questions- a phone call a couple of times a week and see her when I can- bliss!! In my more annoyed phases I think of moving out and not speaking to her for a week!

kizzie_nikita

milliebear00001 wrote: »

Yep, and when I was fifteen, I often told my mum I was staying somewhere I wasn't. The occasions when I didn't go and didn't give her the contact details, were invariably because I would have been caught out if I had!

Call me a cynic, but refusal to give contact details would ring HUGE alarm bells with me!

See, that wasn't the case with me, i was never one to go out drinking loads and smoking and seeing boys etc.

I didn't want to give numbers, as my 'friends' parents didn't care where their kids went, and i felt as if i'd get picked on for my parents ringing their mothers, and their mothers telling the children..

And in fact, i did.

I mean, it depends how mature your 15 years olds are... i was always really mature for my age, and thought at 15 alot of the things my friends were doing was stupid and i wasn't interested.

Not ALL teenagers want to go out and lie to their parents... 90% maybe

-OP i am female

kizzie_nikita

ammonite wrote: »

A 15 I'd die if my mum rang the parents to check what was going on. I could be trusted to go to parties where everyone was drinking underage and have a few drinks. I think where a lot of teenage relationships break down is when parents are too protective and when kids lie. My mum learned to let go and I learned to be honest, I never caused trouble, didn't get into trouble & never came home rotten drunk, she knew she could trust me on all those fronts. If I ever did abuse that trust I'd have been grounded for years!

This is exactly the same for me! Although, my parents did have a hard time 'letting go'.

claire16c

At 15 if I had asked to sleep round a friends house then I would have asked my parents if it was ok to have gone and then if they said yes that would have been the end of it, there would have been no need for them to call the friends parents. They probably had the number of my friend stored in the phones memory from when I called them (before mobiles!) and if not just asked.

I guess they just trusted what I was up to. And I dont remember ever lying about it. And it would have been obvious where I was going anyway as I would have probably have asked for a lift to their house unless it was at a friends who lived round the corner.

I would have been pretty embarassed if my Mum had rung their mum up!

I cant see the need for doing that unless you think your teenager is really up to no good or not going where they say they are at all!

Illbedamned

He may have been embarrassed by the thought of you aking. Teenegers are fickle beings and i know what i was like at 15! For the most part my mum was fine with me staying at friends (bar one time i got hideously drunk and didn't come home :eek: i got grounded for that one)

Cat501

KxMx - it's fine, you've explained it really well.:) I do identify with odd bits of what you've said, but for me it doesn't go any further than that fortunately. I'm sure your ill-health will be a contributing factor and that things will improve so much when you are in a position to move out

I think I do the jewellry one with mine - say I'm going to steal their clothes and stuff - and I'm only half-joking

lolavix

I agree with chocoholic_chick I'm afraid. I think at 15 he should have earnt a lot more trust - considering at 16 he could move out, get a job etc. I had endless rows with my mum as she tried to be too over protective - despite me always telling the truth. Then I got to the point where i decided to rebel and do everything she'd been accusing me of anyway - my way of getting my own back i guess. I moved out at 17 and we have hardly spoken since.

I know that's an extreme scenario, but it is embarrassing at that age for your mum to be calling your mates parents. I know how much kids mean to their parents but they do need to be given some freedom, as long as you knew where he was I personally wouldnt feel the need to check it was ok with the parents

Savvy_Sue

I never had parents' nos. for DS1's friends, but then I'd met them (or most of them) and knew they were a good crowd. So DS2 got the same freedoms, and that was fine too.

which made it a bit tricky with DS3 because one of his friend's families was a bit legendary (I discovered!) for a 'relaxed' attitude to alcohol and very limited parental supervision.

The night it really mattered not having their home phone number was actually one when DS3 was due to come home, on his bike, when there was a howling gale outside. And I wanted him to stay put, because he would not have been safe. And he wasn't answering his mobile.

I ended up phoning the home of another friend, and that lad got DS3's other friend on Facebook with a PHONE HOME message!!!