Son, 15 - Sleepover Question

robpw2

i love how on this thread the majority say that no number -no go and that parents should know where there 15 year olds are yet on the thread about bangor banning under 16s from their town centre unattended after 9pm leads to calls of infringement of rights and that i am in the wrong because i don't think children should be left unattended.

afaik i think op you did the right thing

kizzie_nikita

Problem is, even if the OP rings the parent, asking if her son can go round/stay the night... whos to say that he's not going to drink/get drunk?

Her son could (if he choses) get drunk and go out galavant around town weather she had the parents number or not..

fletch3163

Robpw2 I am from the East end of Glasgow originally and I too think children don't need/can't cope with the levels of freedom some of them get. My mother is a firm believer that just because you can doesn't mean you should. She feels sometimes kids make these choices because they COULD. Doesn't make it right.

I was ruled with an iron fist. My fist isn't iron (isn't even a fist) and is in a velvet glove.

And kizzie you're absolutely right and that's the crux. I kind of trust him to make the right decision re booze but peer pressure is potent. The kid with vodka was dared. 1 was told he couldn't get in unless he drank. Alpha males all trying to psyche each other out.

FatVonD

I think if you were in any doubt that he actually WAS going to stay where he said he was going to be staying then asking to check isn't so out of line. I posted a thread recently about my son walking home from a party, that very same party three of his friends were planning to camp on the common (not the same one my son was wanting to come home via) and all of their parents thought they were staying at each other's houses :eek:

Re alcohol, I'm of the same mind as you, I've been happy to send my son along with a few cans of cider/beer but what they ALL want is spirits. I'm happy to meet him half way now with something like Smirnoff Ice where it's at least pre mixed but no way will I send him with neat spirits because I know that they WILL drink them neat.

Fizzpop

KxMx wrote: »

Well my brother was always able to be more independent and rarely home (when he lived here) for her to ask. There was also a spell where she treated my Brother very favourably in a situation she never would have allowed me to carry on with- and to my own disadvantage- but that's another story.

It took me alot of years to realise the questions were not right, because I have been trained to answer anything she asks and treat it as normal. And now despite lots of comments and some discussions between us, she still does it and although I am on my guard things slip through. I still live at home at 25 due to ill health (which I do understand naturally adds to her treating me in cotton wool etc). Because I have stopped dancing to her tune, she feels hard done by and makes me feel as though i'm the one in the wrong at times.

Mum just is very nosy and can't help asking the questions- whereas I too freely admit to being very nosy but I know when not to say anything.

Just this week I asked her to pick up a dvd player for me from Argos (mine died), and when I said thank you again, the reply was "that's ok, I didn't even know you needed one"- because she expects every detail of my life to be known to her, like a kid at primary school. Now reading the words it may seem i'm being unreasonable, but you'd have to hear her tone (amazement that I hadn't reported to her that mine had died beforehand etc, rather than a neutral, making conversation type comment) to understand.

When I (rarely now) bring new clothes home, I would be asked to show her them, they would be admired, and then "if you don't mind me asking how much did they cost?" Or in the case of jewelery, I would get the "I like that' i'm going to steal it" joking smile. When it's been going on for so many years, since when I really was a child, it wears thin!

There are more personal and sinister examples I could give but I won't- one of the reasons I say it goes beyond "normal" parental questioning.

Then there was the "if I won the lottery" conversation yesterday where she said she'd buy a house with a granny-annexe for me- no ta! :eek:

:cool:

I don't want anyone to think I don't love my Mum dearly because I do and I wouldn't want to be without her, but if she didn't treat me like a child in combination with the nosiness we would have a much better relationship. As it is I dream of the day when I can move out and not be subjected to all the questions- a phone call a couple of times a week and see her when I can- bliss!! In my more annoyed phases I think of moving out and not speaking to her for a week!

Are you sure we dont have the same mother.. the only differences being i dont have the health issues that would make me understand why my mum is like she is, and i have moved out with a family of my own and shes still like it....

As for the question in hand yes i would ask for a number and address, and if i feel the need to phone i will, and this is not only reserved to friends but to family also, so i know not only where they are but how long they will be so i can do things myself with out worrying about the inevitable phone call asking me where i am as they have just arrived home and im not there ... my children are all being brought up with the who, what, when, where and why mantra...

For the moment though my eldest is 12 so is still pretty amenable to it all.

My parents expected the who what when where and why from me and my brother so my children will offer me the same curtesy

ammonite

I think the issue for me would be the going about town like a ned aged 15. I can understand why you wouldn't want that. I can actually understand why you wouldnt want him to go to a party as per the one you describe.

Unfortunately the neat vodka, whisky and passing out is fairly common amongst teens. I agree it isn't an "odd beer". I went to many a party where this type of alcohol (and other stuff) was expected to be there....I just knew I didn't want to be puking all night so used to go have one or two drinks and end up nursing my friends back to health. I didn't want to miss out on the party but was equally sensible enough not to be comatosed! Think the daring thing must be really hard (can he lie and be on "antibiotics" for the night hence can't drink??) - I've been peer pressured as a girl but always been able to say no to whatever it is even if I look really sad. Dont think it is the same for boys so feel sorry for him and you to be in this situation.

fletch3163

It's hard being a parent. When I look back at what I fretted about before gosh how niaive of me.

Normally I'm quite dogged in my decisions but this teenage part has me second guessing myself constantly. I don't want my boy being the one on the couch with his Bible in his lap, but swigging premium whisky is frightening.

He tried to regain some clout by telling one boy today (the vodka swigger/pass out boy) that he had vodka ice and was told it was a girl's drink (made derogatory homophobic comment:mad:)

Och, ye canny win!!

Savvy_Sue

Seanymph wrote: »

having an overbearing helicopter mother who is the only one who calls his mates mum would take some serious living down!

Mind you, I did have one incident where DS3 and a friend were meant to be staying with the 'relaxed' family one night and didn't like what was going on so decided to walk 4 miles home through the city centre and stay at our house instead. :eek::eek::eek: I only found out because they rang DS1 to get him to make sure the front door wasn't double locked, and I heard him answering his phone and asked 'who was that?' because I just had this funny feeling, you know? And I went to pick them up BEFORE they walked past all the pubs and clubs and across the downs at midnight. They were 14 or 15, I think, and not nearly as streetwise as they thought they were!

Anyway, I decided there was no point phoning the friend's mum late at night to say that they were here rather than there, but I did say that friend should tell his mum when he got home what had happened, because I felt responsible for this lad not being where his parents thought he was.

And because I knew his mum, and wanted to apologise to her in case she was upset at him wandering the streets with DS3, I phoned her the next afternoon, just to check she was OK. And he hadn't mentioned a thing ...

So I told DS3 that if he was ever in a scrape with this friend, and friend's Mum knew about it, he might as well tell me because I'd definitely get to hear! :rotfl:

Seanymph wrote: »

Generally at parties my SS has gone to if someone gets throwing up drunk the kids phone the parents fairly quick to get them taken away before they wreck the carpet.

And I've always stressed to mine that they should look out for their mates, and get help if anyone needs it. I've never forgotten the Blair lad getting picked up drunk after his GCSEs, on his own 'cos his mates had disappeared.

KxMx

Fizzpop wrote: »

Are you sure we dont have the same mother.. the only differences being i dont have the health issues that would make me understand why my mum is like she is, and i have moved out with a family of my own and shes still like it....

As far as I know I just have the one brother, but I can check lol :rotfl:

To be fair I added in the part about the health problems, to try and excuse some of it I suppose, even though before they started she was exactly the same with the questions, treating me like a child etc...

I should have stood up for myself alot sooner, but I was trained to answer anything and everything and to treat is as normal. Of course now I bite back she pulls out the hurt martyr banner and hey-ho she's the good guy and i'm the bad guy, unreasonable, you name it...

One day I will tackle her about that because that is manipulating me, and very wrong, but I can only do one battle at a time.

I think I was about 14 when I started realising any future partner would have to be trained in the evasion tactics :cool: Because she has a way of asking which suggests it's totally normal and reasonable for her to be doing so, when actually it's a gross invasion of privacy.

If I had a penny for everytime I hear "just wondered" :rotfl: I would be a very rich young woman!

jellyhead

Spendless wrote: »

I'm sure it's only the other day that I read on here that an MSE'rs teenager told them, they were stopping at x and later it was discovered they hadn't, so the cynic in me thinks he wasn't going to be where he claimed and when you were going to find out (by ringing the mother's number) he's turned it round to being all your fault that he didn't go. I'm with you on this one.

That will have been me. I was shocked that he'd let me think he was staying in a tent in D's garden when they'd actually camped in some woods that are close to the town centre and a bit dodgy - well, high chance of dodgy people being there at night anyway.

He's never lied to me before and we've had a chat about it. It was 2 couples - they are all 15 and wanted to spend the night together and wake up together (I blame Twilight!). I've said he is never to do that again unless we agree on the location beforehand.

All 4 of them had lied about where they would be I still feel a bit uncomfortable that the other 3 haven't told their parents.