Son, 15 - Sleepover Question

squidge60

You can try all you like to make sure your ds is ok but if it turns out the parents dont care you are stuffed.!

My dd stayed at someones house oh took her and spoke to the mum and it transpired dd got fairly pxssed threw up and the mum knew all about it and left them all to it. :mad:

Spendless

tyllwyd wrote: »

So you knew the schoolfriend and knew the mum (or knew of the mum, at least)? And your son has his own mobile? If you had her number, what would you have done, called at 10pm to make sure he'd settled down quietly for the night?

I think if your son is almost 15, I wouldn't have fussed about the number - either I'd have let him go to the sleepover or I'd have said I wasn't happy for him to go because I thought they'd be drinking. I think getting the mum's number is a bit of a side issue.

No, I'd have said 'Hello Joe's mum, I'm Fred's mum. Joe has said it's ok for Fred and some other friends to stay overnight at yours on Sat night? I'm just ringing to make sure this is ok with you? You know what kids are like arranging with each other and not checking it's ok with the parent. I guess then Joe's mum would either say 'I have no idea what you are talking about' or 'yes it's fine with me'.

I wouldn't have an issue with a 15 yo having a sleepover with a group of friends and not too much if alcohol is involved, as long as it isn't excessive but I do have a problem with a teenager telling me that they are going to <wherever> when in reality no they're not, they are upto something else entirely and that's why they don't want you checking out their story.

System

My personal opinion is that everyone should always have a contact number as an emergency can happen anywhere and at any time.It doesn't have to be your child that is in an emergency situation, it could be you or another relative.
I started training my older children about these things from an early age (in little manageable chunks) and it's paying dividends now the teen years are well in hand!
My elder daughter is surprisingly mature for her age :-)
Just my opinion
Linda

chocoholic_chick

I'm sorry but at 15 if my parents insisted on phoning my friends parents to check I was allowed to sleep over I'd be mortified and might tell my parents I'm not going to avoid the embarrassment of mummy ringing to make sure it's ok for me to stop over! I never did drugs or got up to no good, my parents trusted me and I don't recall them ever asking for anyones number to check it was ok I stop over, that doesnt mean they were bad parents, just that they knew me well enough to know I wasn't going to do anything stupid.

Only you know what your son is like, but just because he decided to cancel doesn't automatically prove that he was therefore going to be drinking or doing xyz. If you trust him then do you still need to be checking up on him like hes a young child rather than accepting he's becoming a young adult?

I had friends in school who had strict parents and rebelled against it, you have to start to learn to trust at some stage

jackyann

I agree with spendless about a simple call.
Here's a hint: one of my sons had a friend whose family I wasn't totally OK about. When they had sleepovers there I said upfront to DS "I'm not happy.....maybe I'm being unfair, but I've heard this & that....that's not what our family thinks is OK... I know you are friendly with X and it's difficult to say this.....how can we sort this out.....?"
I let the discussion go a bit around problem solving.... so he thought he had come up with a solution!
Then we agreed: you will go to the evening, you'll say "sorry I can't stay over - my uncle's taking me out for the day" ...or whatever comes to mind - saying your parents are boringly insisting you do some family thing the next day is cooler than saying "they won't let me stay"! Then I picked him up at midnight.
It was a compromise that worked for us, and in the round of sleepovers, as other kids in the group missed the odd one or had to leave early, it didn't appear too obvious.

KxMx

15 is a difficult age- telling a ds/dd that "you need to ring friends mummy to make sure you are allowed to go" is not going to get you very far.

Whereas, "oh, hang on, I haven't got a number for (adults name), must make sure I get it in case of an emergency" would be better, more age-appropriate etc.

There are covert and crafty ways and means to get what you want!

Cat501

KxMx wrote: »

15 is a difficult age- telling a ds/dd that "you need to ring friends mummy to make sure you are allowed to go" is not going to get you very far.

Whereas, "oh, hang on, I haven't got a number for (adults name), must make sure I get it in case of an emergency" would be better, more age-appropriate etc.

There are covert and crafty ways and means to get what you want!

But wouldn't they just be likely to say "you've got my mobile number for that" ?

KxMx

Cat501 wrote: »

But wouldn't they just be likely to say "you've got my mobile number for that" ?

Likely- but i'm sure you could come up with some reason you'd need to speak to the adult and not dd/ds.

Like I said, be crafty about it and don't treat them like infants.

My own Mum is terrible for treating me like a child and I tell you honestly it has ruined our good relationship and I have to guard every word I say to her at times, which is very sad. As a result I share very little with her- had she been better about treating me my age I would tell her alot more about my life.

I see alot on here which is repeating my history and parents don't seem to realise it can cause long-term harm, and they are the ones who will lose out as a result. Smother a child and they will throw the blanket off and run away eventually.

I'm still trying to find a kind, tactful way to broach the subject of my Mum's nosiness (way beyond normal parenting) with my brother's new, serious girlfriend!

ammonite

When I was about 14 I told my mum the truth about where I was goin, she wasn't happy and said I couldn't go. I reasonably argued that I like all the rest of my friends could easily have lied to her and not told her the truth but because I was being honest I was being penalised and not allowed to go. she quickly realised that if she didn't let me go all I'd do next was lie like the rest of my friends. she reluctantly let me go (had to txt her regular updates) - I never ever lied where I was and I was allowed to go. It was a good lesson for us both.

A 15 I'd die if my mum rang the parents to check what was going on. I could be trusted to go to parties where everyone was drinking underage and have a few drinks. I think where a lot of teenage relationships break down is when parents are too protective and when kids lie. My mum learned to let go and I learned to be honest, I never caused trouble, didn't get into trouble & never came home rotten drunk, she knew she could trust me on all those fronts. If I ever did abuse that trust I'd have been grounded for years!

Not criticising the OP at all, must be a nightmare having teenagers but maybe you could encourage your son to be honest about where he is and even let him go even if you don't approve of the drinking? It will show him you trust him, if he abuses your trust then you stop him going or ring to check.

geoffky

I thought you were asking if it was ok for your 15yrs old lad to have his gf to sleepover at first..I was going to say yes as long as separate bedrooms.. whats the problem they will find a way behind your back as i did at 15..