What to do with an elderly who refuses help.

tori.k

What you are doing is all you can do, I was in a similar position myself not so long ago, got to the point where my MIL had a fall and refused to go to hospital when they thought she had broken her hip, we were lucky that the her GP managed to talk her round, she was a bit do-dally due to a water infection but as soon as that cleared up she discharged herself, the carer's that that the hospital put in place for her were dismised the next day, I tried everything tears, blackmail, bribes she was not having any of it, she says she can cope but she cant even go to the toilet without help, but social services and the hospital's hands are tied as she is compos mentis enough to make up her own mind.

I had to stand back as i was making myself ill, in protest to the hospital i took my name off her life line so it goes straight to the ambulance service, and cut back going to her to once a day,heartbreaking and harsh as it was it took her 9 days of sitting in her own filth before she gave in and allowed the carer's back i don't think she realised how much i was doing for her untill i stopped doing it, she really needs to be in a home but that not going to happen but it's a weight of my shoulders now that the care is shared.

stand firm and she will find she has no choice but to come around the idea of carer's if she wants to stay in her own home

Gelly123

I've read this thread with much interest and my thoughts go out to the OP - it's a very difficult situation you are in and it's not easy to find a solution but I hope for your own health, mentally and physically that you do as I understand how you are feeling. Please do keep us posted.

I've been in a similar situation myself - as an only child to my parents (Dad's been married before and has 2 other daughters but they don't visit, call or do anything to help despite being only 20 mins and 50 mins away), I've been my parents carer since the age of 7 - now 33.

Initially it was just my Mum as Dad was working full time - Mum had a brain aneurism, is epileptic, has had 9 strokes now and has other various issues relating to these problems. It was always managable as Dad had his health and was relatively young for his age.

But this all changed 16 years ago when Dad has his first heart attack, then a second and subsequently had a quadruple heart bypass. Thankfully he made a very good recovery but bypasses don't last forever and following another big heart attack in January 2011, he had to have his second heart bypass. Since then, he's been so frail, has aged considerably and is now old beyond his years.

He's also stubborn as anything and won't accept help - doesn't like "strangers" in the house and is as tight as a ducks bottom. Mum on the other hand is open to help but Dad won't let her.

Last year, after the second bypass, I found myself holding down a full time job, running around after my parents for cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping and everything else you can think of. I was run absolutely ragged and my blood pressure was very high - my GP was concerned about me.

Thankfully Mum called in social services and we were very fortunate enough to have a social worker who put things in place to help them, gave them equipment to make their lives a bit easier. We even arranged for meals to be delivered but sadly they didn't like them.

The social worker explained that things couldn't carry on as they were and that I was at the point of breakdown. Gradually Dad accepted this and they now have a gardener, a cleaner and as their health has improved a little, they cook for themselves now.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes, it takes an outsider, like a previous poster has said, a Doctor, maybe somebody else in authority but not connected to the family, to actually tell them the blindingly obvious.

It's hard and I totally understand and sympathise with you - you have all my thoughts and best wishes.

Good luck
Gelly
x

euronorris

My Grandma was very similar. My Mum did manage to convince her to move in with us for what was, about, the last 5/6 years of her life. But she spent hours bemoaning the fact that nobody cared about her, they never called, they never visited - but when they did, she would refuse to take the call (unless it was my Uncle - the golden child) or lock herself in her room and refuse to speak to any visitors (even my brother, and my neices and nephew - despite asking to see them earlier that day!). And after they left, she'd lay into my mother for having invited them over in the first place.

If my mother ate a cake, she was too fat and should cut back. But as soon as she started trying, my Grandma would insist on buying a bag of jam doughnuts and then trying to get my Mum to eat them all!

Part of it was old age, frustration etc, but a lot of it was just that she wasn't a nice woman. She never was, and old age and the frustration that often accompanies it, made her worse.

Towards the end, she was vile. Truly vile.

And my uncle? Well, he lives in Dubai, visited only once during the time she was with my folks, and only called when my Mum begged. He was considered her favourite, as well as his children - they could do no wrong in her eyes. He spent the entire funeral crying his eyes out and saying how much he wished he had been more involved in her life and vowed to keep in better contact with my Mum from now on, he was so sorry, blah blah blah. Yeah, whatever uncle, Mum still only hears from you a couple of times a month, when she initiates contact!

BarleySugar

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this thread. I have an 89 year old mother, who is struggling to cope with life in general. She's fit enough live in her own home, but always wants more than she has, eg she has a friend who is blind, but my mum is jealous that she has carers in to help her.

My brother and his family pop in several times a week. I live an hour away, but take her out every Wednesday. We do grocery shopping in the morning, and she wants to go out in the afternoon. When I ask where she wants to go, nothing appeals to her...... Museums are boring, clothes shops only stock for youngsterswith nothing for older folks, garden centres are too expensive etc, etc

I have always been a very positive person, and this negativity really wears me down. She moans about everything. I try to reason with her but get nowhere, I just end up upset myself.

Is it best just to let it wash over me? I love her very much, but I never seem to meet her expectations.

Where is it best to ask for afternoon club type places for elderly people, as maybe that would help her.

This thread has made me aware it's very common. Thanks you.

Savvy_Sue

BarleySugar, try AgeUK, but I'd almost bet that she won't want to go to any afternoon places for elderly people.

I would be brutally honest. "Well Mum, since you don't know where you want to go, we can either go where I'd like to and you can accept that without moaning, or I'll go home now." And if she wants carers in, she can have them! But really, what she wants is to be able to moan about something. Make sure she's got something ...

pink68

Golly thank you so much for all your replies. I dont know where to start with answering them all.

Yes she has Wiltshire Farm Foods which I have reinstated yesterday.

Yes it is making me ill, this week i have been tempted to go to the GP and ask for prozac again. But i'm trying to stay strong as it adles my brain.

I also suffer with diverticular disease which flares up under stress (though gran of course has had it her WHOLE life...) and have been tender this week.

I am one of five grandchildren, the others visit once or twice a year. Usually at xmas.

I have brought this on myself I know, when my mum first died I had become so used to visiting her daily through her illness I was lost. I visited gran as much for me as her. I made a rod for my own back. And now my uncle assumes i have influence over her that i dont with regard to carers. It is probably his disapproval last time we spoke that has made this all so much worse for me. If i could just be left to sort her in my own way i would be happier. And as to her will, well lets just say at one stage I was due to receive a larger share than others BUT I said it wasnt fair and made her change my share to the same as the rest of the family. what a bloody fool i was! In truth though i would do it even if she were penniless.

I visited today with planned cream cake and asked her what she wanted and what help she would like. She said she wanted nothing. No carers, no homehelp and no hot meals.

So she has made her choice. I will continue to visit but perhaps I'll allow myself a bit more slack when its truly inconvenient. maybe 5 times a week.

Just got to tell my uncle now, tempted to text him the update and just leave it like that but dont think that will cut it!

Mistral001

I have looked after elderly relatives and sacrificed a bit as a result. However, looking back on it, I have no regrets. I have many other regrets but not with regard to them.

I think the OP is too hard on herself in many respects, however I would not assume that the closer relatives do not want to or are not capable of helping out.

pink68

Ok so i've just had 'the chat ' with my uncle.

He told me to not worry about her, shes made her choice, leave her to stew on it for a few days. He even said she's manipulating me. A bit different to what he was saying a few weeks ago!

Anyways. it's done. gran has actually done me a favour in realising nothing i ever do for her will be right so i can cross that guilt trip off my list.

I still love her dearly but she's not the gran i knew when i was a child and i have to get used to that. I'll do whats right by her, but with a bit less emotion.

For all those of you in similar situations keep your chin up, and get things in place sooner rather than later. The meals people she still is happy with but they've been coming for over 6 years.

margaretclare

She said she wanted nothing. No carers, no homehelp and no hot meals.

You have to take her at her word. She's not stupid, still got all her marbles, presumably knows what she's saying.

Personally I think the whole thing about 'must have a hot cooked meal' is a bit of a red herring. DH and I are still trying to lose weight and he's an insulin-using diabetic, but some days we just don't have a hot cooked meal at all - and we eat well! I remember being taught as a student nurse that a ham sandwich is a balanced meal because it contains carbohydrate, protein and fat in proportion. Of course, this was way before 'eat your 5 a day'. Can she get the ingredients to make herself something, can she get fruit, cereals, milk, eggs? What does she do about shopping?

PS: I would NOT like the company of some of the older people others have described in this thread!! I certainly would not go to any day-centre if any of them were there!!

pink68

I do her shopping.

And her cooking is a bit dodgy of late. She always blames the electric, never her fault, and sometimes she cant tell me what shes had to eat when i ask.

But she crammed the chocolate eclair down today so she still has an appetite!