What to do with an elderly who refuses help.

pink68

I have a 98 year old granma that for various reasons has become my sole responsibility over recent years.

She constantly moans that she is lonely and no one visits (I go every day). and hints that she wants to go in a home yet when i say come on lets visit one she refuses.

Everything I arrange for her is not right. Last year she was taken ill and the hospital arranged for her to have carers. They gave up after two weeks saying she didnt want them nor need them.

I arranged for a private agency to visit her last week to discuss companionship visits when i go on holiday and she said no.

i aranged for Meals on Wheels to go in daily and after two days she has told them not to bother anymore.

i am at my wits end as to what to do with her!

Does anyone else have any experience of stubborn old ladies and suggestions? Or do I just give up and let her get on with it.

emweaver

Sounds like she is attention seeking, if she isn't willing to let you help let her get on with it she will soon realise how much you done for her and ask for your help again.

McKneff

How mobile is she, can she cook for herself, manage her cleaning, bathing. etc.

Mojisola

I'm surprised the carers and meals were stopped. My Mum often tells the carers that she can manage from now on. They tell me about it but don't stop going!

If you are arranging it and paying them, they should be taking instruction from you.

pink68

McKneff wrote: »

How mobile is she, can she cook for herself, manage her cleaning, bathing. etc.

She normally has microwaveable meals that she copes with, and she can look after herself but her standards are slipping the last 6 months or so.

pink68

Mojisola wrote: »

I'm surprised the carers and meals were stopped. My Mum often tells the carers that she can manage from now on. They tell me about it but don't stop going!

If you are arranging it and paying them, they should be taking instruction from you.

the carers were social services ones to keep her out of hospital, meals on wheels said she refused the meal today and said she didnt want them anymore.

I've been round there between work and collecting my son from school and burst into tears but she is unmoveable on it. Says she is happy to cope on her own and I shouldnt worry. But tomorrow i'll go in and she'll probably be moaning about how lonely and miserable she is.

SueC_2

emweaver wrote: »

Sounds like she is attention seeking,

Alternatively she could be proud, embarrassed to accept she needs help, and terrified of losing her independence.

mpet

What a kind patient person you are. However, you may need to get tough with her. I'm not generalising, but old people can start acting like children - being difficult and as a previous person says attention seeking.

It may be difficult, but I would arrange some viewings of warden assisted premises (if she is able to cook/clean for herself), or some homes if she isn't - I know it sounds nasty, but it sounds as if she cannot continue as she is at the moment. Perhaps you could view on your own then take her to look at the best ones. You may have to be a bit underhand about 'a day out' as I guess when you suggest it you will get a refusal to go!

I know my own MIL (she was only 80 though) loved the warden run place she lived in - said she wished she had gone there sooner - she had her own flat, company if she wanted it and help at hand if she needed it.

Mojisola

pink68 wrote: »

I've been round there between work and collecting my son from school and burst into tears but she is unmoveable on it. Says she is happy to cope on her own and I shouldnt worry. But tomorrow i'll go in and she'll probably be moaning about how lonely and miserable she is.

mpet wrote: »

What a kind patient person you are. However, you may need to get tough with her. I'm not generalising, but old people can start acting like children - being difficult and as a previous person says attention seeking.

If you're at the stage of being reduced to tears, you need to do something for your own sake and for your family's sake.

It's easy for her to say she's managing when you're there to do things. Time for tough love - take her at her word and leave her to her own devices for a couple of days.

patchwork_cat

Is she angling at moving in with you?

j.e.j.

SueC wrote: »

Alternatively she could be proud, embarrassed to accept she needs help, and terrified of losing her independence.

Ex-F-i-L was like this. But he was also adept at taking it out on his nearest and dearest, - making them feel guilty for things that were really his problem or doing, and getting people running round after him playing wild goose chase. I can understand why the OP is feeling under pressure.