What to do with an elderly who refuses help.

Errata

HTH - I think you need to have a very blunt discussion with both your gran and her son about what will happen if you are laid up with a broken leg (or something) and she's laid up with a twisted ankle (or something).
I think your gran has shown excellent judgement in refusing meals on wheels, they're vile.

SueC_2

pink68 wrote: »

and I appreciate what is said about my uncle but he knows how i feel and only phones me when she doesnt ansa her phone and he wants me to run straight round and check on her. And of course now he's retired himself he is no longer 'well enough' to keep running up here to visit the every 6 weeks he promised her when his father died. Last time i phoned him about her he didnt even have the decency to ask how me or my family were.

i think expecting him to step up is just wasting my energy.

Your final paragraph is both admirable and oh so sad on many levels.

But fair play to you - if it was me, I would be getting SO bent out of shape about being taking for granted, used and abused, under-appreciated etc etc etc.

whitewing

Some of the local nursing homes near us do daycare for relatives whose grown up children are at work all day. I think it is a really good idea although I don't know anyone who has tried it. I also don't know about costs.

pinetree

Hi pink68, this is a very difficult thing to have to manage and you are doing everything possible for your grandma, could you get social services or an independant organisation to have a chat to her to explain the difficulties you are coming up against and possibly she may tell them what she wants. Sometimes people open up to people outside the family,
good luck!

floss2

whitewing wrote: »

Some of the local nursing homes near us do daycare for relatives whose grown up children are at work all day. I think it is a really good idea although I don't know anyone who has tried it. I also don't know about costs.

That sounds fab...can I sign up?!

OP, we have a similar problem with my in-laws 240 miles away, proud & independent but gradually failing, so I am interested in the replies.

pink68

So here is my plan...

tomorrow is my day off so after dropping son at school and making myself a large strong coffee I am going to go to the bakers and buy two big fat cream cakes.

I'll take them round and try and have a chat (she's quite deaf and wont wear her hearing aid so that will be exhausting). I'm going to explain that it's no good her asking for help if she wont accept it and that when i am away she'll be on her own.

She has a Hears alarm so can always call for help in an emergency.

i am then going to phone my uncle and explain that despite my best efforts she has refused any outside help. I will make it clear i can do no more than i am doing now, and if he doesnt like it the ball is in his court.

hows that sound?

pink68

floss2 wrote: »

That sounds fab...can I sign up?!

OP, we have a similar problem with my in-laws 240 miles away, proud & independent but gradually failing, so I am interested in the replies.

i wish there was a simple answer floss, last year my uncle tried to persuade her to move to a home near them and she refused.

One day she says she cant cope the next day she cant remember what the fuss was about.

She did say one thing earlier though that made me think. She said 'dont worry about me, you worrying about me wont change anything in my life'. Just need to drill that into my brain now!

Errata

pink68 wrote: »

So here is my plan...

tomorrow is my day off so after dropping son at school and making myself a large strong coffee I am going to go to the bakers and buy two big fat cream cakes.

I'll take them round and try and have a chat (she's quite deaf and wont wear her hearing aid so that will be exhausting). I'm going to explain that it's no good her asking for help if she wont accept it and that when i am away she'll be on her own.

She has a Hears alarm so can always call for help in an emergency.

i am then going to phone my uncle and explain that despite my best efforts she has refused any outside help. I will make it clear i can do no more than i am doing now, and if he doesnt like it the ball is in his court.

hows that sound?

I think that sounds like a plan. As long as you and everyone else has a good understanding of what you can do, and what you can't, that's just about all that's needed. Thinks may trundle along okey dokey for some time and not change until a crisis happens forcing things to change, but that bridge doesn't need to be crossed until it hoves into view.
As far as the complaining goes, treat it as noise on the line because that's probably all it is. We all need someone to have a good moan to and you're the only one you gran has so you get the full menu IYKWIM.

pink68

Errata wrote: »

I think that sounds like a plan. As long as you and everyone else has a good understanding of what you can do, and what you can't, that's just about all that's needed. Thinks may trundle along okey dokey for some time and not change until a crisis happens forcing things to change, but that bridge doesn't need to be crossed until it hoves into view.
As far as the complaining goes, treat it as noise on the line because that's probably all it is. We all need someone to have a good moan to and you're the only one you gran has so you get the full menu IYKWIM.

In some ways I think she may have done me a favour, cos now i realise it IS that no one else will listen....i'm going to try and get her out a bit more over the summer, but if she doesnt want to come so be it.

I cant wear myself out over this one anymore....my mum asked me to look after her (before she passed )but i dont think she wanted me to get like this over it!

Thanks errata, really helped.

xxx

Mojisola

pink68 wrote: »

In some ways I think she may have done me a favour, cos now i realise it IS that no one else will listen....i'm going to try and get her out a bit more over the summer, but if she doesnt want to come so be it.

I cant wear myself out over this one anymore....

What will happen if you have an emergency and can't get to her for several days, eg you get taken into hospital?

Sometimes getting someone's co-operation on making an emergency plan is a first step to getting their acceptance of other carers.