What to do with an elderly who refuses help.

coinxoperated

My nan is 101 and has managed to keep her claw in one of her 9 children. My uncle has never had a wife, children, career and has always been the 'simple' one. I have no idea on how to put it in the kindest way, as I do love them both, but what she has done has actually ruined his entire life. It seems his entire life has been focused on keeping her alive. And when she does, he will have absolutely nothing. It's a really sad thought.

Your doing a fantastic job at making so much effortC I bug I have to agree with the tough love approach. My nan is actually still very able to do things for herself, although she does need care for things such as cooking or washing, but she has become in a sense, lazy. If something is just out of arms reach, she will make someone else get up to get it. She also plays the 'I'm old and frail' are far too often. She has managed to alienate both herself an my uncle from all other family members by either insulting them or backstabbing about one to another, and she insists on having only my uncle care for her. We have tried meals on wheels, 'pop in' carers, various pets, everything to offer my uncle a chance of his own life? But at 61, he's never have his own life now and it's purely her fault.

I would definitely suggest approaching her with a tough love sort of way. She may be proud or embarrassed, but you need to tell er how much of effect it is having on YOUR life and that you will need some help. And if she doesn't like it, tough.

It's also her sons responsibility and not yours, but I appriciate the situation your in. As I said - my nan had 9 children. My mum died in 2005, she got her claws in my uncle and the rest moved as far away a possible (america, india and France!)

You need to look after you first and foremost and do what you feel is right. I live closer to my nan and uncle now, but I refuse to help out. It's not because I'm cold hearted or mean, but because I refuse to allow her to get me in her grips! I live them, but they have had equally plenty of opportunity and advice o. How to better the situation, and nothing ever changes. Their choice, not mine. If/when I have children/grandchildren I would NEVER want them to give up there lives to prolong mine. There is a big difference between caring for somebody and being used by them.

I wish you the very best of luck, and don't be afraid to be honest and blunt with her. If you argue, remember to tell her that you love her and visit her again once things have calmed down. But your only human xxx

coinxoperated

Also, my dad lives in Wales and works on farms. He was told once that farmers try to keep the youngest/simplest child back to run the farm and look after them once their old!

SueC_2

pink68 wrote: »

So here is my plan...

tomorrow is my day off so after dropping son at school and making myself a large strong coffee I am going to go to the bakers and buy two big fat cream cakes.

I'll take them round and try and have a chat (she's quite deaf and wont wear her hearing aid so that will be exhausting). I'm going to explain that it's no good her asking for help if she wont accept it and that when i am away she'll be on her own.

She has a Hears alarm so can always call for help in an emergency.

i am then going to phone my uncle and explain that despite my best efforts she has refused any outside help. I will make it clear i can do no more than i am doing now, and if he doesnt like it the ball is in his court.

hows that sound?

I think it sounds like a great plan.

Maybe you could even phrase some of it in such away that it comes across that she will be helping you in someway rather than this being about her needing help herself.

eg. I know you don't need help gran, but I'm finding it quite difficult to pop in every day and I know it's silly me worrying, but I do worry about you being here on your own all the time. It would really ease my mind if you would agree to let the home help come round, just on the days that I can't. As I say, I know it's not really necesary because you do such a fine job of looking after yourself, but it would really put my mind to rest.

Good luck, no matter what the outcome, at least you can say you gave it your best shot.

mishoo

My mother at 94 is rude to all the live in carers supplied by the agency. She hisses under her breath loud enough to make sure they hear her, calls them a !!!!! again just loud enough so she can be heard, criticises their cooking, won't let them use the washing machine and insists on putting their personal washing in the machine herself, grumbles at paying extra for bankholidays and is positively vile, does a minimal Sainsburys order over the phone which takes an hour each time because she's deaf, all there isi in the food cupboard are the basics 1930s style, the Hoover has been broken for 2 years and she won't have it repaired or renew it. The house like her is filthy. The carers won't eat food which has been prepared by her.
Am I the only one to have a mother like this?

PasturesNew

pink68 wrote: »

...Does anyone else have any experience of stubborn old ladies and suggestions? Or do I just give up and let her get on with it.

This is pretty typical of them really .... and we'll all be the same.

Savvy_Sue

My only extra suggestion would be to write some things down for her.

"Dear gran, as you know I am away this weekend and won't be able to pop in. If need any help you can use your alarm system, and they will get in touch with xxx."

You could also try NOT going in every day and see if that forces any issues.

dancingfairy

Hmmm. It's great that you want to be there for her but it sounds like it's taking more of a toll on you before (perhaps things have been creeping up on you?). At this rate you'll just get worn out, stressed and ill which isn't going to be good for anybody.
As hard as it is perhaps you can set some boundaries (you don't necessarily need to tell her though) -ie I will pop around on Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoon for a few hours but apart from that it's tough (unless it's an emergency of course). It doesn't matter where you draw the line (as long as you are clear in your head what is/isn't acceptable to you).
Hopefully the time apart will make her appreciate what you do do for her and you wil hopefully be able to appreicate the time you have with her rather than being overtired and stresed out.
df

anguk

Would your nan listen to her GP? My nan was finding it more and more difficult to look after herself, my uncle (next of kin) did all he could, arranged for meals on wheels, carers to call in etc but it did get to a point where she really needed to go into a care home. My nan always refused no matter what her son said until one day she had a fall and had to go into hospital.

While in hospital she had a full assessment and it was only when the doctor told her that she should go into a home that she agreed. She's of a generation that respects doctors and takes their word as law so when he said she needed help she accepted it.

It took her a while to settle into the home, everyone was too old (she was 94) and she wouldn't really mix in any of the social activities but over time she did settle and it really was the best place for her, both for her health but also for her families peace of mind.

doodoot

OP, I made the mistake of being the main carer for my Grandmother and ended up having a nervous breakdown.

She had 6 children, over a dozen Grandchildren - 2 sons lived within 15 mins drive with one of them being my father.

Everyone washed their hands of her - and my Grandad before he died - as they didn't want their care to interfere with their lives...so I stepped in as I couldn't bear to see them abandoned.

My Grandad had a stroke at age 80 and Grandma was 77 and had to care for him with my help...none of my relatives offered to help because they knew 'good old me' was running around after them.

Bearing in mind I was also working and had 2 children under the age of 5!

Grandma was the same as yours...nobody visits, I'm bored and need help but then turned away every agency that stepped through the door.

After breaking her hip I had to give up my job which tore me apart.

Once she went downhill and it was inevitable that death was near guess who miraculously started to turn up?

They all crawled out of the woodwork, I got told to !!!!!! off as they would sort out her finances and they stopped me from seeing her.

She had cut them out of her will years before and made me and my sons her beneficiaries.

Surprise surprise after her death the will was completely different and I got nothing, not even an ornament that she bequested me that I bought her as a child and was worthless.

The moral of my tale?

Tell your uncle to step up and take responsibility for his mum as you have your own family to care for and his mum is refusing all help that you offer - I should have done this from day 1.

Because you won't get any thanks when her time comes.

margaretclare

pink68 wrote: »

She's sort of lady who wont go to a lunch club because they're all too old! I used to take her to visit her sister in a residential home and gran always said she couldnt live with all those old people even tho she was older than most of them!

Oh, I can sympathise with the lady. 'Too old' is perhaps an unfortunate way to describe them, but it is a fallacy that everyone will get on well with everyone else just because they happen to be the same age-group. We are all different!

I knew a lady who used to go and act as a volunteer at a day-centre for the elderly. She told me they used to come up to her and tell her their age '...you know', with that sort of look they give you, and she forbore to inform them that she was at least a decade older. Where I go to 50+ aqua-aerobics some of them are a bit like that. I go for the exercise. They seem to go for the gossip!! Same with the ones who go to retired people's swimming.

Maybe the lady in question didn't like the food offered by meals-on-wheels? It's not to everyone's taste. A lady who used to live near us - no longer here! - used to get frozen meals from Wiltshire Farm Foods and she preferred that option to meals-on-wheels.