What to do with an elderly who refuses help.

pink68

Thank you for all your replies.

No i dont think she is angling at moving in here with us. She wont even come for Christmas Dinner as she doesnt like to impose herself!

I'm beginning to understand why her son and next of kin has moved so, so, so far away now.....

My whole married life I have been a carer of sorts to some family member or other. This is the last one I shall have to do this for as my own parents are sadly gone. I guess I have to do what is right by me and know that I did the best I could to help her.

But yes a few days off over the weekend is a necessity this week!

SueC_2

j.e.j. wrote: »

I can understand why the OP is feeling under pressure.

I didn't mean to imply that I was in anyway not understanding why the OP was feeling under pressure, I was simply trying to put a (possibly slighter kinder) perspective onto why the grandma could be behaving the way she is.

To be honest, I thought that saying she is attention seeking sounded fairly brutal and unsympathetic.

Both the OP and her gran are in a horrible situation, and I apologise if I in anyway implied that I thought otherwise.

j.e.j.

Oh, no I think you hit the nail on the head in post #7
Perhaps some of my anger at ex-F-i-L was coming out a bit in my post, sorry!

It's not an easy situation for the carer or the cared-for.

pink68

Thank you Sue.

Tbh I think it is a bit of both, she's sort of lady who wont go to a lunch club because they're all too old! I used to take her to visit her sister in a residential home and gran always said she couldnt live with all those old people even tho she was older than most of them!

But my uncle just says shes always been like that, if someone is ill she has to be more ill. Unfortunately in him choosing to move away that only leaves me. He'd like me to pop her in a home but doesnt seem to realise she has a choice in the matter!

SueC_2

j.e.j. wrote: »

It's not an easy situation for the carer or the cared-for.

No. I confess that I am absolutely dreading my parents reaching the stage when they can no longer look after themselves.

But, not having children myself, at least I am secure in the knowledge that I will, at least, never be a burden to them.

But I digress, and none of this is in any way helpful to the OP. Sorry about that!

Spottedleopard

pink68 wrote: »

I have a 98 year old granma that for various reasons has become my sole responsibility over recent years.

She constantly moans that she is lonely and no one visits (I go every day). and hints that she wants to go in a home yet when i say come on lets visit one she refuses.

Everything I arrange for her is not right. Last year she was taken ill and the hospital arranged for her to have carers. They gave up after two weeks saying she didnt want them nor need them.

I arranged for a private agency to visit her last week to discuss companionship visits when i go on holiday and she said no.

i aranged for Meals on Wheels to go in daily and after two days she has told them not to bother anymore.

i am at my wits end as to what to do with her!

Does anyone else have any experience of stubborn old ladies and suggestions? Or do I just give up and let her get on with it.

If you want to get her in a home- contact social services and say you can't cope on your own, she certainly can't cope on her own so they will do an assessment and hopefully but her in home and she will have no choice on the matter. They might put her in for respite, but if she improves greatly the chances are she will stay there permanently if they feel she will go back to the way she was if she goes home

SueC_2

pink68 wrote: »

Unfortunately in him choosing to move away that only leaves me. He'd like me to pop her in a home but doesnt seem to realise she has a choice in the matter!

Now this, I'm afraid, is where I get slightly less sympathetic. Why should him having moved away absolve him of any and all responsibility?

He is her son, and closest (and I don't mean that in a geographic sense) living relative, ie. her next of kin. If she is anyone's responsibility, it is his. And if there is any 'popping her in a home' to do, it's him that should blinking well be doing it!

It's lovely, and a huge credit to you, that you're being so supportive, but that's the role you should be in - a supporting role - supporting what HE is doing to care for his mother. I think having a very serious word with him would probably be fairly high up on my list of priorities!

Torry_Quine

Spottedleopard wrote: »

If you want to get her in a home- contact social services and say you can't cope on your own, she certainly can't cope on her own so they will do an assessment and hopefully but her in home and she will have no choice on the matter. They might put her in for respite, but if she improves greatly the chances are she will stay there permanently if they feel she will go back to the way she was if she goes home

Sorry but that's not correct. Unless she is deemed to be a danger to herself and or others she cannot be 'put into a home'. It is her decision and hers alone. She can be offered all kinds of help bt can't be ade to take it.

pink68

Spottedleopard wrote: »

If you want to get her in a home- contact social services and say you can't cope on your own, she certainly can't cope on her own so they will do an assessment and hopefully but her in home and she will have no choice on the matter. They might put her in for respite, but if she improves greatly the chances are she will stay there permanently if they feel she will go back to the way she was if she goes home

She was under social services last year and they 'discharged' her or whatever the terminology is. She has been assessed by Age Uk who say she is fine and coping also.

She can be a bit of a charmer.

and I appreciate what is said about my uncle but he knows how i feel and only phones me when she doesnt ansa her phone and he wants me to run straight round and check on her. And of course now he's retired himself he is no longer 'well enough' to keep running up here to visit the every 6 weeks he promised her when his father died. Last time i phoned him about her he didnt even have the decency to ask how me or my family were.

i think expecting him to step up is just wasting my energy.

Mojisola

pink68 wrote: »

She was under social services last year and they 'discharged' her or whatever the terminology is. She has been assessed by Age Uk who say she is fine and coping also.

Are they taking her word for it or asking her carer, ie you?

If I hadn't been present when my parents were interviewed by SS and OTs, they would have come away with the impression that everything was alright at home! My Mum will still tell people about having just been down to the shops when she hasn't left the house alone for years and that she's cooked dinner - again it's years since she was capable of that.