help!!13yr old daughter talking to strangers on internet

BitterAndTwisted

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

have just tried to reason with her without shouting and shes still not having it have told her i dont mind her talkin to her friend but not their parents until she gets to know him better but she still not having it.............grrrrrr when did parenting become so hard

Parenting has always been hard but you have managed to make it harder for yourself by putting tools in the hands of one who is not old or mature enough to use them responsibly and safely.

Take the power back because the time for reasoning with her has ended!

aliasojo

bonjovibel_729 wrote: »

have just tried to reason with her without shouting and shes still not having it ....

Ok, you gave her a chance.

Stop trying to reason now. Time for action. Block her access.

Janepig

My DD is 9 and uses Moshi Monsters either on my laptop or DH's computer, and, along with afew lectures from Police Officers at school about internet safety, it's been pretty useful in getting her to understand that those who try to add her on MM, calling themselves, for example, "Emma, 8 from the USA" may very well not be "Emma, 8 from the USA" but could well be "Dave, 36 from Birmingham" iykwim. So, she only adds those she knows from school, she gets the heads up from them what their user names are and will then accept their friend requests. So even she, at 9, gets the idea that if you can't see someone face to face then they could be anyone and some of the basics of internet safety.

Afew parents I know have allowed their children of that age to have FB accounts and the bullying is rife on there. You know what girls are like, all "I'm your bff, I hate so and so", I really don't know why their parents allow it (well, I do, they've got no clue and/or no backbone).

Anyway, I'm sure at the age of 13 I hated my poor mum from time to time and the horrors she put me through. The same horrors I'm sure I'll put DD through at that age, which I'm sure in time she'll thank me for as I do my mum. But at the time I'm pretty sure I thought she was ruining my life!

Jx

PinkLipgloss

aliasojo wrote: »

Ok, you gave her a chance.

Stop trying to reason now. Time for action. Block her access.

I fully agree with this!

OP - please don't take this the wrong way, but judging by your posts you come across as being a little bit weak in dealing with your daughter - she will sense this and use it to her advantage to try to manipulate you (via dad or whatever means to get her way).

Fully block her access and, when you are satisfied she fully understands the possible implications of her actions online return her access ON YOUR TERMS (and I second the idea of using a keylogger). If she breaks those terms - remove it immediately again. She'll soon learn.

seriousDFW

There has been some great advice on here so far, OP - please follow it for the sake of your daughter.

There are many adults who are unable to use the internet in a mature and healthy way, it is no wonder that children find it difficult to know where the boundaries are, but that's where you come in.

If it were me, all internet access would be banned until such a times as DD had convinced me that she could use it responsibly and on your terms. Personally I think 13 is too young for a tablet, smartphone or laptop, regardless of what their friends have. If you want her to have a phone, get her a very basic phone which calls and texts, which cannot access the internet. These are about £10 and aren't bulky but you won't be popular, but you will know that DD is protected from the internet, picture and video messaging.

I would not allow her to access the internet in an unsupervised environment at home - set up a desktop or a laptop station in the dining room/living room/kitchen where you can see what she's doing. Contrary to popular belief amongst teenagers, the internet and their gadgets are not a basic human right, they are a privilege you give them if, and only if, they are able to use them within the bounds that you set.

This is the immediate reaction, and I agree that you then need to sit DD down and ensure she is aware of the dangers out there, and how she can avoid falling into undesirable situations. And under no circumstances would I ever allow or condone communication between any person she does not know in real life. When she is apologetic for being disrespectful and when she demonstrates that she can handle the responsibility, reintroduce the internet, but under your terms as stated above. I wouldn't allow unsupervised access, as the consequences are just too unbearable to think about, and there is no reason she can't enjoy the internet with you knowing what she's doing. She is not old enough to demand that sort of privacy.

It will be hard but don't allow your OH's behaviour to weaken your resolve. The action you take will be for your daughter's best interests and safety. If OH is not on board, you will have to agree to disagree for now, but be clear about the rules in your house. You have been more than fair so far, and tried to reason with DD, but this has not been successful, probably because she is not mature enough to appreciate the situation, but she will in time.

laurel7172

as i said if i delete her facebook i am in effect stopping her frm talkin to this boy she likes as well as he does not have a phone their only method of contact is facebook..

I'm a 44 year old woman, and I would (and have) cut all contact immediately with someone who made excuses about why they didn't have a phone. It's a sure sign something dodgy is going on. And *no* 12 year old has a laptop and no telephone.

At the outer edge of paranoia, maybe the boy and his parents were photographed or have had their profiles copied by some creep staking out the hotel?

Changing the password on the router is a good idea, but unless you live in a very rural area, probably not enough. Not everybody secures their network and she may well be able to use a neighbour's: I have three unsecured networks in range as I type. Confiscation is the only way.

Good luck.

19lottie82

OP I don't have any kids myself but IMO, if I were you I would report all of this to the police, even if it's just to be on the safe side. Too many things seem a bit fishy.

I'm sure you'd rather report it and your suspicions to be wrong than not report it and then find out that they were right.

Padstow

Hindsight's a wonderful thing. You could've then pretended to be your daughter to the parents.

I don't believe in grounding, sending to rooms or removal of personal objects, as I feel it's pushing the child further away when they should be brought closer.
By all means shut the computer down but substitute it with closeness. Find a board game, make up stories, you go first sort of thing, might surprise you ! Baking, just chatting while she paints your nails, the closeness is endless. Even homework.

You cannot give her too many hugs right now, I promise you as I bet she's confused.

Try it for a week, it will work, It will work.

faerie~spangles

OP, I don't know where you live or what you think of the police.

A wee story for you: When my daughter was a youngster she asked if she could stay with X, as per usual I told her it was OK to do so, as she had stayed there before. (we lived in a small town)

It turned out that all the kids from 12 upwards had decided to hold a mini camping festival. All the kid's had lied and told us parents that they were sleeping overnight at their friend's house, Naturally we parents had believed the little blighters.

I got wind of it. Not one of the kids involved were where they had told their parents. Mine was six sheets to the wind when she was found as were all the other kids.

I phoned the police. They came out saw she was wasted and interviewed her.

She blurted out everyone's name including those who had bought the alcohol.

As the officer's who'd come out and visited my daughter were on nightshift. They visited all the parent's of all the 'little angels' involved between 6 and 7am.

Was I popular after that?

In a word, NO!
Would I do it again?
YES, in a heart beat.

FWIW, my daughter went to uni, travels the world and is currently doing her Masters. (unlike some of the 'little angels'who have succumbed to drugs and multi sperm donors)

gairlochgal

I have 12 and 14 yr old DDs and I use the parental controls on our router to help with this stuff. Restricted access to Facebook and YouTube to 5-10pm, for example. It saves a lot of hassle and argument and the older one grudgingly accepts it as she can see that the rules apply to all of us. She has pushed her luck a few times and I've blocked her laptop from accessing the net for a couple of days - she really cared about that!

We've had a couple of things happen that have made my 2 take internet risks very seriously. A former work colleague of mine is now in prison for grooming young girls on the net. An apparently very nice guy my girls were used to seeing around locally and saying hello to since they were tiny - that was a real shocker and I made a point of telling them about it.

And a girl in DD1's year - only 14 - shared an intimate photo with a boy, who forwarded it to a load of kids via BBM and someone put it on Facebook. All very traumatic.

I think it's crucial to stay in charge and help them manage the boundaries and don't fight about it but simply take the control away from them if they can't manage it responsibly. The thing with the boy's parents is odd - if it were my dd I'd suggest she came down and had the webcam chat in the kitchen so I could keep an eye.