Hoarding...not just on TV

Byatt

Thanks Pipney, very helpful post. I must admit I needed it, being a person who broke her knee (didn't realise at first), insisted I was fine and walked (limped) off. :eek::o

There are a lot of ads at the moment about women and heart attacks so there must be a drive on.

Oh and I'm the only person I know who can wash dishes to perfection. No-one else does it as well as me.

SpikyHedgehog

lostinrates wrote: »

I love the way we keep coming back to the same issues that impact so many of us.

This springing from the same vein I was writing in this morning yet hit me right between the eyes.

We are right back not just with control but perfectionism, and when dh does a job and says.' doesn't look great now? ' and I say, ' it looks better than it did'. It's so damning of me, he nor I can possibly live in a house from the pages of country living day in and out. It's a wreck and there is mud.

DS1 really struggled with the way he'd tidy his bedroom, & Errant Husband would say ' Well, its not perfect...' It put him off so much, he wouldn't do anything. & I can see, on reflection, that the same things impact on me.

DS2 & I did a big tidy of his room last night, emptied the bin twice, & took out the playmobil box (into my room...) - we haven't tackled the cupboard yet, & I'd rather check it out without him, so I can sort through & just give him a choice of keeping his stuff.

idristhedragon

Well I have had a FAB day (NOT!) after writing my lists this morning and planning to stay in and tackle stuff I got the call of doom from nursery *just* after I'd posted this morning (literally, made a post, made a pot of coffee and the phone rang!) and baby daughter (4) had bashed heads with another child so it was straight to A&E for us as she was totally listless, eye rolly and not to mention a CORKER of a blue lump on forehead. SHe was kept in for observation until 2.30 so bang goes my day!! Im glad to report she is much better now and lying on the sofa like lady much being attended to by her big brothers.
I am now sitting here on laptop as theres "no point" starting any tidying now, is there LIES ALL LIES so Im going to post this and get the vacuum out and the tea on. No rest for the wicked etc

blossomhill_2

Oh it's so sad if people's efforts aren't being acknowledged, there are so many ways of encouraging without having to say "it's perfect" when it's not atually quite perfect - "you must be exhausted/so pleased after all that" "wow, you certainly made an effort" "I think you deserve a cup of tea" "what a difference!" or the American "good job!"

I think you are all doing brilliantly (even if I do sound like Young Mr Grace "you've all done very well"!)

Idris - cross posted, so glad she is ok, you must have been very worried!

lostinrates

SpikyHedgehog wrote: »

DS1 really struggled with the way he'd tidy his bedroom, & Errant Husband would say ' Well, its not perfect...' It put him off so much, he wouldn't do anything. & I can see, on reflection, that the same things impact on me.
.

I am almost in tears over this. I know, have known for a long time, that this is a huge issue for me (in all aspects of life). Both my parents do it, and I was brought up in hobbies/ industries where an unobtainable perfection is demanded from people, have seen it make many people loopy.

A riding trainer once said to me, this perfectionism you demand from yourself, well, you know that's all very well, but even though you don't mean it to it makes life harder for your more advanced horse...becuase she is trying so hard to give you the impossible. (tbc I have a great relationship with my animals, and I am not cruel, the horse just was trying to give me something I was not aware I was asking her to provide while I thought I was just being hard on ME. The horse is my horse of a lifetime and is retired here now and we are still very 'bonded' in a soul mate way. she now has arthritis in her shoulder, scans seem to show problems have been there a while, but she never gave one day of lameness for me until retired, I feel guilt that she was trying to work through pain to give me what i wanted. I just don't know how not to look for perfection. Hmmm.

VJsmum

blossomhill wrote: »

Oh it's so sad if people's efforts aren't being acknowledged, there are so many ways of encouraging without having to say "it's perfect" when it's not atually quite perfect - "you must be exhausted/so pleased after all that" "wow, you certainly made an effort" "I think you deserve a cup of tea" "what a difference!" or the American "good job!"

I think you are all doing brilliantly (even if I do sound like Young Mr Grace "you've all done very well"!)

Idris - cross posted, so glad she is ok, you must have been very worried!

As much as I generally have a loathing of american sayings, I do rather like the "good job" one. It doesn't then matter if the thing isn't perfect if they have done a "good job".

I don't have too many perfection issues, I am so used to things not being perfect. "Good enough" is good enough for me. When OH and i first lived together and then married i used to spend 5 or 6 minutes ironing the perfect shirt just for him to fold it and put it in a drawer. He has a peculiar way of ironing that involves almost folding it first and was ironing the same shirt that took me 5 or 6 minutes in about 2 minutes. So that is now how I do it and have done for 20 years. I also only ever iron one side of anything - shirts (the way of folding involves doing the back at the same time as a front), t shirts, trousers (mostly). The only things that can't be done like that are full skirts.

I do have the guilt issues though that were mentioned earlier. Throwing things out is wasteful and we should use everything up. Hence hanging on to green tea bags for years. I am trying though.

Byatt

Idris, how scary for you! Glad she is ok and brothers are looking after her.

My perfectionism carries over into any job I do. It is exhausting. Once upon a time when envelopes were written in offices, if I made a small mistake I *had* to start again, no-one was telling me to, it was just me. I take ages over things because it has to be done "properly." Even with my DD, I'm the same, I wore myself out when she was younger...I had to be the perfect mum, which of course doesn't exist especially in the eyes of your children. :eek: And especially my auty DD as I'm only as good as the next person depending on if I've been tough with her or not! :rotfl:My reviews would represent a roller coaster graph.

Anyway, today, I have removed the cow butter [STRIKE]thingy[/STRIKE], ah, dish that's the word, from the top cupboard and put it in the pile for the CS. It's been there looking at me for months. I really like it, but won't use it and have no room for it. The cafetierre is in the box and I had to overcome the urge to wash it again. It's fine. Along with bits of cutlery as I now only have 4 of everything. I have also been able to get to the bin (a Brabatina ?) no less, that has not had rubbish in it for months. I have been filling a carrier bag as and when which then waited on the floor before going into the big grey bin. So it has a nice new liner and it's lovely not to have rubbish lying about. Secondly I unpacked the filter jug I bought in the Ama$on January sale and which has sat on the floor, and filled it with water. It's quite cool.

Some more PyreX is going.

Believe me, if anyone called they would say, what do you mean you tidied??????? :eek::o:p

Slow, very slow, but sure. :T

edit, forgot to say, I had a load of tins to wash, I didn't, I put them in the landfill bin. A pang of guilt but I'm ok now, and won't do it all the time, but I just couldn't face the grunge of it. And I know many, many people who don't recycle even though they can, have the bins etc.

Anyway, off to make bacon and egg and mushrooms as I actually have room to move!

blossomhill_2

Byatt wrote: »

edit, forgot to say, I had a load of tins to wash, I didn't, I put them in the landfill bin. A pang of guilt but I'm ok now, and won't do it all the time, but I just couldn't face the grunge of it. And I know many, many people who don't recycle even though they can, have the bins etc.

Well done with that! Sensible decision, if it prays (preys?) on your mind you can just promise yourself to carbon offset it at a later date, like some fuel-guzzling company

I binned a catfood can today, it was foul and I decided to tell myself I was "in credit" for recycling, having stripped the old sofa back to bits and repurposed many of the component parts

I am also reminding myself that milk botles used to say "rinse and return" not "scrub in boiling water til almost sterile" and trying to just rinse the recycling not wash it to perfection

I was peering into people's recycling today as I walked the dog, it varies greatly what they throw into it - one house had 10 different Next catalogues, another had an iron (?)

RAS

SpikyHedgehog wrote: »

DS1 really struggled with the way he'd tidy his bedroom, & Errant Husband would say ' Well, its not perfect...' It put him off so much, he wouldn't do anything. & I can see, on reflection, that the same things impact on me.

DS2 & I did a big tidy of his room last night, emptied the bin twice, & took out the playmobil box (into my room...) - we haven't tackled the cupboard yet, & I'd rather check it out without him, so I can sort through & just give him a choice of keeping his stuff.

I know another father who would do that. He is a perfectionist; one of his children is and the other is not. So the not child tries and get told "and what about......" Humphh - well you better see about the mess in.....then." They are barely on speaking terms now.

RAS

lostinrates wrote: »

I am almost in tears over this. I know, have known for a long time, that this is a huge issue for me (in all aspects of life). Both my parents do it, and I was brought up in hobbies/ industries where an unobtainable perfection is demanded from people, have seen it make many people loopy.

A riding trainer once said to me, this perfectionism you demand from yourself, well, you know that's all very well, but even though you don't mean it to it makes life harder for your more advanced horse...becuase she is trying so hard to give you the impossible. (tbc I have a great relationship with my animals, and I am not cruel, the horse just was trying to give me something I was not aware I was asking her to provide while I thought I was just being hard on ME. The horse is my horse of a lifetime and is retired here now and we are still very 'bonded' in a soul mate way. she now has arthritis in her shoulder, scans seem to show problems have been there a while, but she never gave one day of lameness for me until retired, I feel guilt that she was trying to work through pain to give me what i wanted. I just don't know how not to look for perfection. Hmmm.

LIR

At the risk of being cruel - it shows on here oftentimes. You even try to be a perfectionist when you are ill; pushing yourself beyond your limits.

And with respect to your lifetime horse; you have honoured your debt by keeping him/her as safe as you can after retirement and that is more than many would do.