Burial of a Miscarried Baby Advice Please

lilymay1

OP - I have sent you a PM.

Spendless

I'm so sorry to hear this. I went thru the same sad process as your dd, with my 1st pregnancy and I was 32 not in my mid-teens and was devastated for some time afterwards, breaking down in floods of tears at any point . I did ask for a post-mortem for the reasons mentioned above. My termination had been due to abnormalities (baby not expected to live) and I wanted to know if there was a reason behind it. I was also offerred an amnio (which I had) prior to termination to see if they could pick up anything from that. My results came back as 'no known cause' in other words.... just one of those things. I was pregnant less than a year later against medical advice (they wish you to go thru the anniversaries 1st, of baby being born etc) but I wanted a baby to hold. I could not relax thru the whole pregnancy, despite knowing that there wasn't any reason for the same thing to happen again. I would echo the advice of getting some support from an organisation such as SANDS.

As for refreshments I'd just get n enough tea, coffee and soft drinks and some biscuits, in case anyone wants a cuppa before travelling back.

gravitytolls

Re. the PM, were she older and certainly had been through this more than the once, I agree it would be different. But she's so young, so very young, she didn't want her baby touched, and I certainly feel that they've all been through enough now. Her baby was born perfect, but the placenta didn't look perfect, so perhaps a placental PM may have been the way to go.

The trouble is, things happen so fast, and decisions are expected to be made so fast. The time limit for a change of mind has passed now, and really, I'm just thankful this is one thing they don't have hanging over them.

AnnaLicious_2

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't know if it this an odd thought. But if I was the one suffering the loss and went to the wake after and there was no food or fuss, I might think it somehow didn't matter to other people. Maybe that's just my perception? If I can give an example - I went to a wake of an extended family member and there was only a bowl of crisps and some cups of tea. It made me think no one cared about the man that passed away. But please don't think I speak for the world on this. I'd make as much fuss as you feel appropriate. But you do may want to feel like you had an occassion, and event, you can look back on as a proper saying goodbye. Food and sitting around together talking is a big part of that.
I do like the idea of bacon sandwiches, along with the usual nibbles. Are you doing a memory book at the service? Your daughter may appreciate it.

nearlyrich

So very sorry to read about your darling daughter's sad loss and of course your loss too GT. I really hope everything goes as well as it can with the burial and I am sure whatever you do will be fine. Please stop beating yourself up about your response to her pregnancy it was a shock and most mums of teens would be totally devastated to get that news, it's not your response that has made this happen SO STOP FEELING GUILTY.

clairec79

50% of post mortems for stillborn babies come back as no known cause, which is the reason a lot of parents chose not to have one - if it would guarantee answers that would be different, as it is many just want their child to rest in peace. I suspect however that a lot of these no known causes are going to be the same unknown cause which causes cot death and if they ever discover the cause of one it'll be the same for the other

dizziblonde

The Miscarriage Association have a very good facebook group - there's 2 - one public one which shows in your news feed I believe, and one private one which doesn't... I think the private one is called something like "The Miscarriage Association Private Group" but they might be a good place to look for some support/advice/mutual venting.

bylromarha

Gravity - what a sad story.

Be proud of yourself that you're being a great mum all through this. You wanted the best for your daughter the moment she told you and what an amazing relationship she must have with you for her to feel she could tell you she was pregnant.

You've been at her side every step of the way in this and you will be brilliant at the funeral - just carry on being you, carry on letting your daughter know you are there for her and hold her as much as she lets you and needs you.

And for having the people back afterwards, cups of tea, few bottles of fizzy and cups to self serve, box of biccies, bowls of Haribo should suffice.

((((((((HUGS))))))))))

little_miss_moneysaver_3

Another one who couldn't just read and run without saying how sorry I am for you, dd and her bf.it sounds like despite your initial disappointment etc you did your best to support your daughter with decision making.
I've no advice except to see if your daughter wants people coming back. I agree others may "expect" some kind of meet up after. I would expect more than cake/biscuits and maybe a couple of sandwiches especially as its early in the day.

Much love to you, your dd and her bf xxxxx

dizziblonde

One thing we did was to plant something in the garden that would flower around the due date of the babies we lost - it helped somewhat.