Burial of a Miscarried Baby Advice Please

lozza1985

sending you and your family some hugs xxxxxx as others have said, there's no right way or wrong way to deal with things like this - whatever is going to be best for your daughter & boyfriend is what's important, so long as they know they have family there for them to support them at this difficult time. I would say just have plenty of tea/coffee, perhaps biscuits and some sandwiches in case they stay for a little lunch too, but no-one is going to expect much, certainly travelling 20 miles isn't far at all - noone will be in the mood for eating much in any case x

Housework*Fairy

Oh Gravity, how sad for you and your family. Don't beat yourself up about your feelings, shock makes us all act out of character. I'm sorry that your daughter and her boyfriend have had to go through all of this x

skipsmum

when we lost our baby we had a very small wake at home, and just had tea, coffee, biscuits and sandwiches. No-one felt like eating, and we didnt want alcohol as we felt there was nothing to celebrate. MIL did the food and brought it over. There is no protocol with infant funerals, you really can do what you think is best.
Also, don't be afraid to show your own grief at the funeral.
(((hugs))))

Gillyx

Nothing constructive to add, but just wanted to send hugs to you and your daughter. What a truly horrible thing to happen

I think coffee, tea and biscuits would be more than enough.

McKneff

Have you asked your daughter and her partner what they want to do.

and I can only add my condolences along with everyone else.

Sad, very sad.

Hiddenidenity

I was in the same situation at your daughters age, have you asked her what she'd like and her partner too?

WE didnt have a wake becuase I didnt want one (that sounds like I was being selfish I just couldnt face being around other people and the fact most had small babies etc I just didnt want to be around people.)

I'd definalty speak to them and there is no right or wrong way just do what you'd all like to do

So sorry for your loss ((Hugs))

marisco_2

gravitytolls wrote: »

My poor girl then has to give birth to her 20 week old baby. It was hell, the worst day of my life, and I hope the last day she will ever have to go through that is so awful. Her BF was there throughout, he is devastated too and supportive, to give credit where it's due.

They decided against PM, which I think is a good decision. They have named their baby and are having a burial in ten days time at our local cemetary.

Now as this isn't a funeral with a wake to celebrate a life lived, I'm unsure of the protocol. His family are travelling the 20 odd miles, of course, and I feel that I should invite everyone home afterwards for refreshments, but will it be expected to provide more than pretty basic stuff of tea and biscuits (it's a 10am service)?

I just don't know what's expected of me and could really do with some advice. I can't think straight, I hate myself for wishing she wasn't pregnant and advising her to terminate, I've let her down and though I can't redeem myself, I don't want to let her down again, on such an important day.

Firstly you haven't let your daughter down at all OP, please dont be so harsh on yourself. It must have come as a huge shock when she advised you she was pregnant. You discussed all the options with her and helped her seek counselling so she could make an informed decision about the pregnancy. When she decided to keep the baby, you may not have been overjoyed, but you did support her and I am sure showed her alot of love and care. Even when a pregnancy is planned it can take time to get your head round and adjust to. When it is an unplanned pregnancy of your teenage daughter that must be doubly hard.

It is tragic that it has all ended this way. I dont know what the proper protocol would be to be honest. All I will say is that a friend of mine lost a baby very late into her pregnancy. Myself and a number of her closest friends and all her family attended the service. Her mum invited us all back to her house and we just had tea and biscuits, stayed for a short while and then left. My friend was shattered emotionally and physically and we all felt she just needed some space to be on her own with her family. Personally I was relieved that no lunch had been laid on as I certainly didn't feel like eating anything.

Sending huge hugs your way OP. It must be awful seeing your daughter suffering so much. Just keep being a great mum to her and let her talk and cry and do whatever she needs to do to get through this time.

mishkanorman

I think I would leave it up to my daughter to decide, will she want to have 'everyone' in a small room together with awkward silences and lots of sympathy ? For me personally it would be my idea of a nightmare, first thing I would want to do is crawl into my bed and sob some more with my own grief. Others might find not doing anything a bit too much like pretending it didnt happen and wasnt important enough to acknowledge.

Whilst you've all been through a tough time of it its undoubtedly been the hardest on her out of everybody.

You have my sympathy, its going to be a tough few weeks x x x

(The only thing i feel I have to add is to say make sure she doesnt want a pm, whilst for now she may just want to move on she may need to consider there was a medical reason for her loss. Finding out now may save her further heartache with subsequent pregnancies, which at this stage will be the last thing on her mind but in a few years time she may be grateful for an answer)

marisco_2

I completely agree with the point mishka raised about the PM. It may be a big thing for your daughter to consider having done now. However in a few years she may be very greatful for knowing and being able to prevent any problems in a future pregnancy.

gravitytolls

skipsmum wrote: »

when we lost our baby we had a very small wake at home, and just had tea, coffee, biscuits and sandwiches. No-one felt like eating, and we didnt want alcohol as we felt there was nothing to celebrate. MIL did the food and brought it over. There is no protocol with infant funerals, you really can do what you think is best.
Also, don't be afraid to show your own grief at the funeral.
(((hugs))))

No fear of that, grief is tearing me apart, I wish I could take my child's pain from her, if I feel this bad.....?

Thank you all so much for your kind words, the support here is wonderful and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

SANDS is such good advice, I'd never have thought of it on my own, my head is just going round in circles.

Once again, thank you all so very much.