Burial of a Miscarried Baby Advice Please

gravitytolls

To be honest, I was going to register under an assumed name, but I didn't... I would ask however, that those who have strong views on this subject, please keep them to yourselves on this thread, as emotions are very raw at the moment. thank you.

Okay, we discovered some 14 weeks ago that our beautiful, talented 15 yr old daughter was pregnant. Devastated doesn't come close. Despite my own personal antipathy to convenience abortion, I suddenly discovered that I was less opposed than I realised ~ I'm such a bloody hypocrite.

Well,she had the counselling, and decided she didn't want to terminate. I can't pretend a part of me wasn't rather pleased, and a part of me was still utterly devastated. Though I had been unable to use the words 'abortion, termination, baby' as I simply couldn't accept that it was really happening, I still felt that it would be the best option for my little girl.

Anyhoo, all these weeks on, I'm still no closer to joy or any sense of looking forward to the event, influenced mainly, TBH, by the boyfriend who lives 20 miles away and would dearly love her to move in with him and his family. I couldn't bear to lose her, my sweet girl living with someone else's parents. See, not just a hypocrite, selfish too.

Thursday she has pain, lots of it, GP refers to hospital. After hours of waiting, we see a Dr, I can see there is no heartbeat on the scan, and she confirms it.

My poor girl then has to give birth to her 20 week old baby. It was hell, the worst day of my life, and I hope the last day she will ever have to go through that is so awful. Her BF was there throughout, he is devastated too and supportive, to give credit where it's due.

They decided against PM, which I think is a good decision. They have named their baby and are having a burial in ten days time at our local cemetary.

Now as this isn't a funeral with a wake to celebrate a life lived, I'm unsure of the protocol. His family are travelling the 20 odd miles, of course, and I feel that I should invite everyone home afterwards for refreshments, but will it be expected to provide more than pretty basic stuff of tea and biscuits (it's a 10am service)?

I just don't know what's expected of me and could really do with some advice. I can't think straight, I hate myself for wishing she wasn't pregnant and advising her to terminate, I've let her down and though I can't redeem myself, I don't want to let her down again, on such an important day.

kingfisherblue

What a sad post gravitytolls. Your emotions are all over the place, which is hardly surprising, and I can't really add anything constructive. I didn't want to read and not answer though.

The only thing that I can think of is contacting SANDS - either you, your daughter, or your daughter's boyfriend, if any of you need someone to talk to.

http://www.uk-sands.org/

Regarding the refreshments, I think I would stick with a small buffet with sandwiches, cake and that type of thing. I don't drink alcohol myself, so I don't know what other people's expectations would be.

I'm sorry not to be of any real help to you. My heart goes out to you and your daughter, and both families.

Take care,

KFB x

skintchick

I'd have thought tea, cake and a few sandwiches would suffice. Treat it like any other funeral as you are still grieving a life lost.

I'm sorry you feel so guilty. I think your reactions have been normal and it sounds like you have been there for your dd. what an awful thing for you all to go through.

Allow yourself space to grieve too. It's not just your daughter's loss it is yours as well.

Big hugs x

Nicki

What a dreadful thing to happen. I am very sorry for you and for your daughter.

I don't think there's any right or wrong thing to do after the service. It isn't a party and no one is going to be judging the refreshments. And people aren't travelling all that far, so it's not like they will need a meal either. I'd be inclined to buy a nice box of biscuits and lay on tea and coffee, but what's going to be most important over the next many months is love and support for your daughter and for you to be kind to yourself. I don't suppose any of us would wish early motherhood for our young daughters so it wasn't dreadful of you to wish it hadn't happened in the first place, and the important thing is that even though you explored the option with her, when she decided to keep the baby you supported her, and also that you were there for her through the trauma of her loss.

londonsurrey

In pragmatic terms, the point of a wake is actually to help the living reconcile themselves to the death.

So what can be said is that the baby was loved by its parents, and it would have had a place within the family gathered now at the wake.

As for food, if there was ever a time for "unhealthy" albeit easy microwaveable/bakeable sausage rolls and the like, this is it.

You didn't let her down. Your thoughts on the best course of action were honest. A parent is entitled to be disappointed, upset, angry. These are real reactions. It's the assurance of continued love that a child needs, and it sounds like you didn't let her down on that.

LadyMorticia

I don't have any advice for you but I couldn't not post. Your poor daughter. I am so sorry that you are all going through this and my thoughts are with you all.

Torry_Quine

My heart goes out to you and your daughter at this time. Last year I went to the funeral of a baby who died at the same stage. Afterwards we went back to the parent's home and had tea and sandwiches. However this is entirely whatgever you feel comfortable with and no-one will expect you to put on a huge spread.

Please don't feel guilty about anything you have felt or are feeling now. Your emotions are all over the place.

Take care and look after yourself.

Sugardonut

Wat a terrible thing to happen, life can be so hard at times

I think the suggestion of SANDS is a good idea.

It's not the same thing but i never got to go to my Dad's funeral - people thought it best at the time :mad::mad::mad: Not having been there made me feel my grieiving was less important than other peoples. It might be that a 'typical' funeral may help your daughter - reinforcing the fact that her loss is not any less because she didn't get the chance to know her baby, that everyone is there for her etc That said, i'm sure people would understand if she was too upset to deal with visitors/a wake.

Northern_Princess

I am sorry to hear of your daughter's loss, I really don't know what I would have done or how I would have felt in your situation to be honest.

As for afterwards, I would just do some simple sandwiches/rolls, sausage rolls, quiche, salad, scones with jam and cream, cakes etc. (general buffet things) I have been to a funeral at 9.30 am and the after 'event' was hot rolls (bacon, sausage and egg) with tea/coffee.

Tigsteroonie

I, too, have no advice but wanted to send you, your family, and especially your daughter and her BF, the hugest of (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Just_Plain_Jane

I'm another with no helpful advice I'm afraid OP, just wanted to offer my sincerest condolences. I hope that as a family you can stay strong and help each other through this incredibly difficult time. x