Failing marriage

DebtFreein5Months

dontknowwhattodonext wrote: »

She can't see the point in couple counselling either

Does she say WHY she doesn't see the point in it?

That could be her depression talking - depressed people don't see the point in anything. If you say "would you like to...." to someone with severe depression - the chances are they will say there is no point. It's a classic response when one is feeling totally crappy about oneself.

You could always book a session - tell her you have booked a session and say that you would like her to come along because you would like her to. Be gentle though, soothing tones etc, tell her that it will be good for you both and if she says there is no point, say that there is nothing to lose by going then.

heartbreak_star

DebtFreein5Months wrote: »

Do you mind me asking what happened? Did he sort his !!!! out or did you leave?

Both, kind of, haha!

He sorted himself out - to start with going to docs, cutting down drinking, taking exercise, little bit of CBT, course of antidepressants, then he landed a voluntary placement with a local community centre which blossomed into a job.

Sadly, due to other factors (we both changed a lot as people in 10 years having met in our very early 20s) the relationship broke down beyond repair, and I voluntarily left our flat.

He kept on with the ADs, he's now second in command of the community centre, teetotal, has lost a stone in weight and is thinking of taking a course in fitness training. Apparently he's actually doing better without me, bizarrely, but he admits he couldn't have coped in the early days of the depression without someone there. He's been dating since and I am happy with my new partner.

HBS x

DebtFreein5Months

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Both, kind of, haha!

He sorted himself out - to start with going to docs, cutting down drinking, taking exercise, little bit of CBT, course of antidepressants, then he landed a voluntary placement with a local community centre which blossomed into a job.

Sadly, due to other factors (we both changed a lot as people in 10 years having met in our very early 20s) the relationship broke down beyond repair, and I voluntarily left our flat.

He kept on with the ADs, he's now second in command of the community centre, teetotal, has lost a stone in weight and is thinking of taking a course in fitness training. Apparently he's actually doing better without me, bizarrely, but he admits he couldn't have coped in the early days of the depression without someone there. He's been dating since and I am happy with my new partner.

HBS x

That's great I'm so glad it worked out so well

heartbreak_star

So am I. OP, I hope this at least shows that things can be salvaged if you get the help you need, and so does your wife.

HBS x

whitewing

I think you should try to get help for her, even if that means seeing a doctor by yourself. She may not be at a stage at the moment where she can help herself enough. Not wanting to go for counselling/not seeing the point of it can be part of the depression.

That does not mean you should stay with her forever if she still can't become motivated.

I think you should discuss medical intervention, and maybe some support for yourself, prior to moving out, or have you really reached the end of your tether. I know it isn't easy.

rpc

It's entirely possible she doesn't see the point in this because she is depressed. There can be a viscous circle there.

It may be that the only way she will accept help is if you push/force her into it, but there is only so much you can do. Lay down the law, book the appointments, if she refuses point blank then you are between a rock and a hard place. With few exceptions, you cannot force someone to be treated and you have to decide whether to keep trying or to leave them to it.

downsizer3

Well - only you can really decide but I was in a similar position and found that the depression has a terrible way of spiralling. Depressed, out of work which doesn't give any sense of self worth, stay in bed and mope, don't see any way to fix it, round and round.......
And when you're the one working and coming home to that every night - frankly its pretty unrewarding.

You're not responsible for your partner - and if you've come to the end of the road - then so be it. Only you know how far you've come but as regards paying her rent I can't see why you should - you've no kids ( I'm no expert though).
Good luck - its a horrible situation.

coinxoperated

Personally, tell her she needs to make a doctors appointment and go or your leaving. I'm assuming she has family. Let them pick up the pieces. I'm sorry, but you have a life of your own to lead x

FBaby

Once it reaches this stage, you have to choices, going to salvage yourself, or take over, and get her to seek help. Because seeking help is a scary prospect, those depressed almost beg those close to them not to put pressure on them to do so. Seeing their fears and pains makes it very difficult not to go along with their wishes. The problem is that it gets noone anywhere. You might have no choice but to take the tough approach for her.

emweaver

Do your wedding vows not mean anything? In sickness and in health!