Choosing to have a baby - solo

*max*

sassyblue wrote: »

What an awful thought. Love doesn't come into wanting to be a parent then? Just selfishness!

Even worse is that adopting makes you a 'very special person' - how patronising. :rotfl:

Of course love comes into it - but only AFTER the child is born or at least conceived surely! You can't love something you don't have. Wanting to be parent isn't about love in that sense, it's about want/need. Love comes when the child is actually there (or has been conceived).

balletshoes

*max* wrote: »

Of course love comes into it - but only AFTER the child is born or at least conceived surely! You can't love something you don't have. Wanting to be parent isn't about love in that sense, it's about want/need. Love comes when the child is actually there (or has been conceived).

yep, that makes perfect sense to me .

MummyOfTwo

well at 29 there is TONS of time to meet the person you would like to have a baby with!

i have spent a period of time as a single mum and my word its hard. i would never choose it over the loving, supportive environment of a relationship. before i started typing this, i tried to think of the toughest times. the hardest one was probably each evening, when i put my daughter to bed and that was it til the next day. no-one to sit down to and cuddle up beside, no-one to chat about my day with, no-one to surprise me with a glass of wine and a kiss. its really really lonely at times - and the better a mum you are the more you will sacrifice, in some ways. i am now married and expecting my third, and its so lovely having someone to rub my fat feet, make me whatever funny craving i fancy, and coo over the cute baby clothes.

sock-knitter

i had no plans to become a single mum. i was married when i conceived my twin boys. then the marriage broke up, and i was left to bring up two tiny babies alone. ex decided never to have anything with the boys. and i only had my mum for support, so the boys didnt get any positive male role models.
it was very hard and got harder, the boys were diagnosed with autism and adhd. they went to special schools, and i had no choice but to stay at home, childcare for two with special needs would have cost so much more than ki could earn by myself.
to me it was all worth it as i love my sons so very much
my sons on the other hand suffered from bullyin by other kids, who did see their dad, and my two desperatly asked me time and time again to remarry so they could have a 'dad' figure in their lives.
knowing what my sons have been thru, and the hard work if you have twins with special needs, i'de advice against doing it alone

FBaby

When I was in my 20s, I struggle to form serious relationships and did worry that i might never become a mum, the thought being much more distressing than never sharing my life with a partner. At the time, it was more about what I wanted than what was best for my baby because the idea I had of that baby was very much of a possession.

Now that I am a mum, I realise how they are their own person and how being a parent is about insuring we provide the best we can give them. I am sooooo happy that my children have a father, that despite us having separated when they were only 3 and 18 months, and him being far from a good dad...but... he loves them and I can see every day how knowing they are loved by their dad makes them happy and contented. If it was up to me, I would have it so they had nothing to do with him, my partner being a much more responsible parent that he is, but it is not about me and what I want, it is about what makes me kids happy, because when they are happy so am I.

I can understand reaching your 40s, realising that what would be best for a child is very unlikely to happen and decide to do what is next best, with thankfully a good chance of making the child happy regardless, however, I see it as a last resort solution not one made by choice.

milliebear00001

sassyblue wrote: »

What an awful thought. Love doesn't come into wanting to be a parent then? Just selfishness!

Even worse is that adopting makes you a 'very special person' - how patronising. :rotfl:

Are you suggesting that people choose to have children because their hearts are just overflowing and they altruistically want to give that love to somebody? Give me a break! People have children for all sorts of reasons - all of them are selfish and to fulfil a need within themselves. I count myself entirely within that group.

It isn't patronising to describe somebody who chooses to give an existing a child, not bilogially theirs, their love and care. It is, quite simply, true. I couldn't do it, nor could many people - hence they are 'special' in that sense.

FATBALLZ

heretolearn wrote: »

But better to be alive and in existence, than not?

Oh come on now, thats a ridiculous justification. Followed to it's logical conclusion you are suggesting we should all just shag around the clock to create as many humans as possible because it's better 'they exist than not'. The world already has too many people in it and no one suffers by not have existed in the first place.

NoLongerLurking_2

MummyOfTwo wrote: »

well at 29 there is TONS of time to meet the person you would like to have a baby with!

Thanks, MummyOfTwo! I haven't completely given up hope yet (as I may have mentioned already this is something I am considering for the future, not just now). I'm pretty close, though! But thats a WHOLE 'nuther thread!

i would never choose it over the loving, supportive environment of a relationship.

Of course it would be great to do it the old fashioned way! I suppose this is about when the choice is between going it alone or not doing it at all. I'm sure you wouldn't swap all the hard days and lonely nights for a life without your lovely daughter.

PS: sounds like you have a wonderful situation now. Well done you!

annie123

Good God woman, you're 29 not 49! stop sitting at a computer planing your life and get out an do something interesting instead. You've got years yet and whilst you have those years go and enjoy yourself, learn something new, do something different.

If you like kids and want the day to day responsibility, sleepless nights and fun and laughter, volunteer with a childrens charity abroad, who knows you may meet MrRight too;)

NoLongerLurking_2

milliebear00001 wrote: »

People have children for all sorts of reasons - all of them are selfish and to fulfil a need within themselves.

One word: Biology

Dress it up any way you like, the need to reproduce is biologically hardwired, and from an evolutionary perspective, it's the only reason we're here. Probably sounds strange coming from the OP on this thread, but I don't think it makes the desire any less real or legitimate.

I'm not sure how much selfishness and altruism really come into it?