Choosing to have a baby - solo

ikkle87

Another thing to think of Op is how strong mentally and emotionally you are to deal with any possible problems with the conception that may occur. TTC can be a very difficult time, there is many highs and lows, tears, tantrums, frustrations and so on. For most people they usually have the support of a partner to talk things through with and support them, you would have to deal with that alone. Also depending on the method of conception your thinking of using should you suffer fertility problems have you looked into how your local PCT would deal with you, would it still be a 12 month wait before testing, would they be willing to do testing on you as a solo person or would you need to go private?

Also have you thought about the implications cost wise? Whilst you are in good stead at the moment financially, should you pick IVF for example, it's not a guarantee, can you afford the expense of multiple attempts of would it be a one time only shot?

At 29 my mum was only just dating my step dad, a year later she fell pregnant with my little brother and a year after that they got married. There's still a chance that you might find someone have a relationship and then have babies together.

How would you feel if you managed to fall pregnant and then a few months or so down the line met 'the one' is there a chance you would regret not waiting to have a baby with him?

BitterAndTwisted

I have lots of friends who have raised or are raising children alone. Two who intentionally conceived with men they had no intention of saying with long-term. What all of them have in common is struggle. Struggle to earn a decent living and a struggle to have a some kind of social-life when you have a child to be totally responsible for alone, most especially when they're very young. It might be different if you have a close family who can offer support and/or child-care so you can earn a living. It's not easy and a choice I decided long ago not to make for myself: I don't regret it but I know women who do.

Some of the children have turned out OK and some of them haven't. It's not possible to say whether they would all have benefited from having a father around but for some of the boys I would say "yes", they would have, most especially during the teen-age years but perhaps the damage was done a long time before that.. A fair-minded person would have to admit that no father around would be better than a bad one, but I do believe that it is necessary for children's emotional development to have a loving father, present or partly-absent. None and the certainty of never having one is not desirable in my opinion.

duchy

Why would the OP need IVF-Most people who use doner sperm go the turkey baster route. IVF is surely for the unlucky minority who have issues with conception. It'd be plain daft for her to put herself through IVF and the complications involved without good reason.

Most people don't have issues with conception before 35 so it's a huge assumption the OP will without any indications otherwise.

ikkle87 wrote: »

How would you feel if you managed to fall pregnant and then a few months or so down the line met 'the one' is there a chance you would regret not waiting to have a baby with him?

Nothing to stop the OP having a second child with Mr Right if he comes along later as well it's hardly an either or scenario.

milliebear00001

My own view is that people only ever choose to have children for selfish reasons. I have never met anyone who decided to have kids because they wanted to 'benefit the world' in some way, or because they wanted to 'offer a good home' to a child. Only people who adopt (and are thus very special people) do that. Everyone else who chooses to become a parent, does so for selfish reasons, to satisy a need within themselves, to become a parent. The OP is exactly that same.

For me, it makes no difference whether the OP is single or in a relationship, whether there i a 'father' or not. Plenty of single parents, since time immemorial have brought up well-adjusted, wonderful children. Plenty of couples have failed miserably at this challenge.

I see no reason why the OP should not be able to bring up a child perfectly well on her own, ideally with the support of her family and friends. I see no reason at all why that child should 'suffer' or 'miss out'. Do it. You won't ever regret it in the way you will if you don't, and then have a lifetime of 'what-ifs'.

jm2926

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Yes I gues it takes a special man (and woman!) to have a relationship with a person who has child (ren) but I guess its easier to explain that dad didn't want to stick around / the marriage didn't work out / the father died than I decided to go down the sperm bank one day!

I would imagine its easier to explain to a child that Mum really wanted them, so made it happen, rather that explain that they were unwanted/left.

I think it's quite normal for second relationships, I've seen lots of relationships with step children. My respect goes to step parents who have entered relationships where the children have issues. I know of two relationships where the man has taken on a child with serious issues as his own (by serious I mean special schools, funding, no holidays due to finding any suitable to needs, etc)

amyloofoo

OP, you're always going to have people who make negative comments and who look down on your choices; but if you walk into this with your eyes open, knowing what to expect and how hard it will be and you have prepared as best you can, financially, emotionally and physically then there is absolutely no reason imo why you couldn't raise a well-adjusted child without a partner. From the questions you're asking and the amount you've clearly already thought about this, as well as the steps you've been taking to put yourself in a sound financial position, I think you're probably one of the best-prepared mums-to-be out there!

It might be a good idea to look into fostering though. Local authorities these days don't discriminate against single people and whilst it's obviously not exactly the same as raising your own child, you'd be giving a child a safe and loving environment whilst discovering for yourself the triumphs and pitfalls of being a single parent. I also agree with others who've commented that whilst you may be able to parent perfectly well without a partner, relatives or friends who're able and willing to help out are a blessing

P.S. You made a comment earlier in the thread about someone whose parents had said that she was the child her parents chose (due to adoption); unless there are some other lucky adopted people with very sweet parents then that was myself. My parents are absolute testament to less than 'ideal' circumstances leading to strong, loving and extremely supportive families and I'm sure they would say exactly the same to you. Good luck with whatever decision you make :j

Armchair23

Hi

My comments are how I feel about anyone choosing to be a lone parent rather than how it may be for you , and based on one friend (not exactly a big sample) who chose lone parenthood, so please don't think I'm setting out to be critical of your choices

It's one thing to consider having a child on your own and to even plan it, but it doesn't really give you any insight into how things will be afterwards. Parenthood can still be a shock however much it is planned or longed for, on your own or as a couple (same sex included).

My friend had a C section and really did not understand how difficult it was for her Mother & Sister to look after her and a newborn either practically or emotionally. Their lives were effectively turned upside down for months as she then went on to suffer from post natal depression. And as there were times when her doctor wasn't happy for her to be left alone with the baby it meant that friends also got roped in to help. Not easy to be on night duty in someone else's home with the responsibility it entailed.

Nor did she realise how hard she would find it to rely on other people to such an extent and it changed her relationship with friends and family and not for the better.
The change from being a successful, independent career woman, to someone reliant on her family and with a newborn who didn't know the rules was just too much for her at times.

Frankly we all got to the point where we knew a phone call was just going to be another request for help and when she came by it was so she could have a break from the baby and, as time passed her son.

It's not that she was an inept or ineadequate Mother, just that it really didn't suit her and she found it very hard.

Ten years later and he acts more like her companion and protector, which I find extremely unhealthy. But when you come home from work there isn't another adult there to share things with and it must be remarkably difficult to always maintain a 'parent/child' relationship.

As mentioned elsewhere you need to think about your wider network of family and remember you may be supporting them at some point in the future rather than the other way round.

With only one set of grandparents you may find that one or both of them may become infirm or sadly die. And if one parent is carer to another they may need your time and help rather than being able to help you.

I don't know whether having a child with two live in parents is a moral issue, but it's definitely a practical one. You don't know whether you'll be a great parent with a baby who loves to sleep or whether you'll be tearing your hair out at another night of broken sleep and nobody there to help or give you a hug.

ikkle87

duchy wrote: »

Why would the OP need IVF-Most people who use doner sperm go the turkey baster route. IVF is surely for the unlucky minority who have issues with conception. It'd be plain daft for her to put herself through IVF and the complications involved without good reason.

Most people don't have issues with conception before 35 so it's a huge assumption the OP will without any indications otherwise.



Nothing to stop the OP having a second child with Mr Right if he comes along later as well it's hardly an either or scenario.

It was a what if situation, I'm 24 and had feritility issues, it does happen. Just because your under a certain age doesn't mean your super fertile, which is why I asked if she had enquired into how her PCT treats people who are going 'solo'.

sassyblue

milliebear00001 wrote: »

My own view is that people only ever choose to have children for selfish reasons. I have never met anyone who decided to have kids because they wanted to 'benefit the world' in some way, or because they wanted to 'offer a good home' to a child. Only people who adopt (and are thus very special people) do that. Everyone else who chooses to become a parent, does so for selfish reasons, to satisy a need within themselves, to become a parent. The OP is exactly that same.

.

What an awful thought. Love doesn't come into wanting to be a parent then? Just selfishness!

Even worse is that adopting makes you a 'very special person' - how patronising. :rotfl:

mildred1978

sassyblue wrote: »

What an awful thought. Love doesn't come into wanting to be a parent then? Just selfishness!

Even worse is that adopting makes you a 'very special person' - how patronising. :rotfl:

The key word is "want".

Having a child to have someone to love/to love you = selfish

Having a child with someone because you think your own DNA is too precious not to adopt someone else's child = selfish

Having a child so that there is someone to look after you when you're old (yes, people do that) = selfish



I have 1 child, so I class myself within the selfish group too.