Choosing to have a baby - solo

FBaby

Just to say that when I mentioned the word 'father' I was really referring to two parents. I do agree that homosexual parents are just as capable of being good parents as heterosexuals. That's not the issue it is about having two parents as much as is possible.

You mentioned being out of work as long as possible and them going part time. I think you will find it very difficult to do that without relying on some sort of mean tested benefits. Of course many families do go on to have children with the knowledge they can expect it so it its n no different but that doesn't make it right.

many things can happen in a few years time that could change everything so I find planning to have a child alone in years to come a bit strange.

duchy

mountainofdebt wrote: »

explain its parentage to the child when its older.

Also I would imagine that having a child, conceived in such circumstances, would put the mockers on any potential relationships.

So single mothers/widows/divorcees with children never marry or re-marry ? Or did you mean because the child would be the product of a sperm bank ? I think many men don't want to deal with exes with parental responsibility -the OP wouldn't have this so I'm not sure why you think having a child means "such circumstances" would exclude the possibility of a later relationship or marriage.

OP I guess one thing you've probably learned from this thread is that if you choose to take this route you'll likely encounter the odd few who will be judgemental and disapproving-better to be prepared for that I guess but remember most people aren't so narrow minded .

rainbow81

Hello! I have read your OP and all the replies and I think I must be some sort of free-thinking liberal hippy because I just think "go for it, why not?".

I think the happiest families are the ones where the children are wanted. It doesn't matter the make up of the family, though I do think there is a lot of value in the extended familly being involved.

I am a child of a single parent, and (shock horror) I am now a single parent. Yes, his father is very involved, but I can see that the role of a male role model could be fulfilled by others if he wasn't around. That is probably the one thing I think I missed out on growing up, my whole family is female!

I do agree with the poster who mentioned that not all children are born absolutely perfect how you imagine they will be. My son has autism (amongst other things). It is hard. But it was hard when I was with his dad - harder sometimes - and it did our relationship no favours.

My son and I are now an unconventional mini-family. It suits us but it was hard letting go of the dream of the perfect nuclear family, which everyone around me seems to be. I say we start a commune and we can swap babsitting shifts . After all, it takes a whole village to raise a child (or whatever the saying is).

Good luck to you. And if you claim means tested benefits? So what? It doesn't make you an evil human. It's quite hard as a single parent to not qualify for some help! And chances are your child will one day grow up to be well-adjusted and able to contribute to society, so I'd say you were quits.

balletshoes

rainbow81 wrote: »

Hello! I have read your OP and all the replies and I think I must be some sort of free-thinking liberal hippy

Don't worry, I regularly think I'm the same when I read some threads on this forum

NoLongerLurking_2

Thanks for clarifying Fbaby, its a common mistake, sorry if I was a bit harsh - having a few gay friends, its something I'm particularly aware of!

Re the choice to live off benefits - applicable in so many situations - you are absolutely right. I've always worked, since high school, and believe that state support is for those in need, and should not be a lifestyle choice for those with other options.

And you are absolutely right that there is plenty of time. I guess I'm thinking about it now as a real possibility for the first time, planning ahead (saving and career planning etc), looking for advice and was also curious for opinions on the subject, which have turned out to be many and varied.

But from this forum I would expect nothing less!

Air_Cooled_75

I couldn't go it alone. It's hard work bringing a child up. LO is playing up to me like you wouldn't believe at the moment ( he's nearly 2) but is a different child for his pops! I don't know what I'd do if I was by myself. I'm a SAHM so I suppose it'd be different if you're working. Also, as a pp mentioned the early months are really tiring. That said, I think support of any kind is invaluable.

NoLongerLurking_2

duchy wrote: »

OP I guess one thing you've probably learned from this thread is that if you choose to take this route you'll likely encounter the odd few who will be judgemental and disapproving-better to be prepared for that I guess but remember most people aren't so narrow minded .

Just what I was thinking! I now feel a lot more prepared for the kind of negativity I might face for making this decision. I have lots of practical things to consider which is very valuable. Especially posts on how hard it is to bring up a child, solo or in tandem. I have yet to be convinced by any negative emotional/sociological arguments, but I am open to debate! Bring it on!

Knowledge is power.

poppy_f1

as someone who has considered going down the sperm donation route if im single and dont have a child then go for it as long as you are happy with the decision
my personal circumstances are i have a smallish mortgage, steady job that going part time wouldnt be a issue and i know i would have 100% support of my mum (no other family that would give a !!!!)

the big issue i would have would be either telling the truth to the child when possible or making up some plausable lie about the father (ie unkown) but this would depend on the insemination route

mountainofdebt

duchy wrote: »

So single mothers/widows/divorcees with children never marry or re-marry ? Or did you mean because the child would be the product of a sperm bank ? I think many men don't want to deal with exes with parental responsibility -the OP wouldn't have this so I'm not sure why you think having a child means "such circumstances" would exclude the possibility of a later relationship or marriage.

OP I guess one thing you've probably learned from this thread is that if you choose to take this route you'll likely encounter the odd few who will be judgemental and disapproving-better to be prepared for that I guess but remember most people aren't so narrow minded .

Yes I gues it takes a special man (and woman!) to have a relationship with a person who has child (ren) but I guess its easier to explain that dad didn't want to stick around / the marriage didn't work out / the father died than I decided to go down the sperm bank one day!

I guess my take on the situation is that I've never really understood this I must have a baby thing that the OP is talking about .....yes I would (and have) fought tooth and nail for Junior but as Junior is an only child perhaps that says more about my maternal insticts than whether I'm being narrow minded or not.

POPPYOSCAR

DUTR wrote: »

Why is it many adopted children , now adults seek their natural parents? I wouldn't normally watch it but the JK in the USA show this week, 'demonstrated' plenty of stories where dad was not around

It does not mean that they have "emotional issues" because they want to find their natural parents.Not all adopted children want to find them anyway. I have two adopted cousins who have never wanted to and they seem fine to me. I also have friends who the wife wants the husband who is adopted to find out and he flatly refuses, he does not see the point.

Also I think a child brought up the way the OP is talking about is a completely different matter than adoption anyway.

The only people I personally know of that have "emotional issues"
are those that had a bad upbringing and those where the parents
put them in the middle of their war.