Choosing to have a baby - solo

Memory_Girl

MandM90 wrote: »

In DD's class she is one out of only two who do not have married heterosexual parents (the other girls parents were never married, are no longer together, but still holiday together and appear to parent together very harmoniously). She is only 4 so I wonder how that will change, but it's amazing how experiences differ in different places!

Experiences differ - but time plays a factor too. My son is quite a bit older, DS1 is 12 so in the last 12 years all but one family has changed from the original pairing.

MG

Gillyx

One thing I'd say is how you imagine parenting to be, it's ten times harder. I thought I knew how tiring and draining having a baby would be but I was knocked for six when having my baby.

When I came home after having him, I could barely walk, it took me minutes to get down onto the couch and minutes to get back up, natural birth no c section or anything. I was trying to establish breast feeding and even having my partner there at night to lift him out of his crib for me and bring him to the bed in early days was the best help I could have had, as moving even slightly was agony. It turned out my baby had severe reflux and suspected food intolerances (which I've since found are both very common) and he basically didn't sleep for the first 6 weeks of his life, unless he was sleeping on me or my partner, which meant we couldn't sleep. We'd take turns to even get a few hours each.

If I was on my own I really don't know what I would have done, even with the 2 of us, we barely ate, or slept. My partner lost almost a stone in the 3 weeks following the birth of our baby.

The middle of the night can be a lonely place when you have a screaming baby.

That said I don't think theres anything wrong with a child only having 1 parent.

Janepig

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Explainging to a child that you used to sperm bank isn't going to be any different to explainting to a child that their father disappeared when the pregnancy was discovered or that they were adopted or whatever - how the child will deal with it will entirely depend on how it is handled and how the child's personality develops.

I disagree - I think it's completely different. Not that I agree with someone deliberately setting out to be a single mum by going down the sperm bank route, I think it's a whole different thing to get your head around as a child than someone whose father has abandoned them knowing of their existence.

MandM90 wrote: »

Studies done so far have indicated that lesbian parents raise kids that are more ambitious, confident and settled than their peers who have fathers.

:rotfl:

Do you have a like to this "study"? I don't really care what sort of unit parents chose to raise their children in, as long as it's with love and care, but I don't think I've ever read such a load of tripe as this comment. I would love to see this study, because from what I appear to have read, it's children who have mother and father as positive role models who would be the most settled.

Jx

PS: I would also say that after having DD, I had a new found respect for anyone managing to raise a child alone, because it was hard enough with DH and me raising her together, I would have had a miserable time if I'd been on my own.

MandM90

Janepig wrote: »

I disagree - I think it's completely different. Not that I agree with someone deliberately setting out to be a single mum by going down the sperm bank route, I think it's a whole different thing to get your head around as a child than someone whose father has abandoned them knowing of their existence.



:rotfl:

Do you have a like to this "study"? I don't really care what sort of unit parents chose to raise their children in, as long as it's with love and care, but I don't think I've ever read such a load of tripe as this comment. I would love to see this study, because from what I appear to have read, it's children who have mother and father as positive role models who would be the most settled.

Jx

PS: I would also say that after having DD, I had a new found respect for anyone managing to raise a child alone, because it was hard enough with DH and me raising her together, I would have had a miserable time if I'd been on my own.

The authors found that children raised by lesbian mothers — whether the mother was partnered or single — scored very similarly to children raised by heterosexual parents on measures of development and social behavior. These findings were expected, the authors said; however, they were surprised to discover that children in lesbian homes scored higher than kids in straight families on some psychological measures of self-esteem and confidence, did better academically and were less likely to have behavioral problems, such as rule-breaking and aggression.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1994480,00.html#ixzz1wfENnXFK

or

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn19014-children-of-lesbian-parents-do-better-than-their-peers.html

There was another one, too, which I can't find right now (a friend doing a Psychology masters forwarded them to me a while ago but they're probably swallowed up somewhere in my inbox)

I wasn't trying to quantify parenting skills by sexual orientation, I was trying to say that I don't believe kids who grow up without dads/mums suffer psychological damage and, yes, trying to defend my own family.

green1970

Any baby that's wanted, planned for and that will be well cared for and loved is always a great thing as far as I'm concerned. There are far too many that aren't so go for it.

gibson123

MandM90 wrote: »

The authors found that children raised by lesbian mothers — whether the mother was partnered or single — scored very similarly to children raised by heterosexual parents on measures of development and social behavior. These findings were expected, the authors said; however, they were surprised to discover that children in lesbian homes scored higher than kids in straight families on some psychological measures of self-esteem and confidence, did better academically and were less likely to have behavioral problems, such as rule-breaking and aggression.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1994480,00.html#ixzz1wfENnXFK

or

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn19014-children-of-lesbian-parents-do-better-than-their-peers.html

There was another one, too, which I can't find right now (a friend doing a Psychology masters forwarded them to me a while ago but they're probably swallowed up somewhere in my inbox)

I wasn't trying to quantify parenting skills by sexual orientation, I was trying to say that I don't believe kids who grow up without dads/mums suffer psychological damage and, yes, trying to defend my own family.

I also heard that in an American study on child abuse that it was found that there were no incidents of abuse in children with lesbian parents.

GobbledyGook

Janepig wrote: »

I disagree - I think it's completely different. Not that I agree with someone deliberately setting out to be a single mum by going down the sperm bank route, I think it's a whole different thing to get your head around as a child than someone whose father has abandoned them knowing of their existence.

Oh I know it's a different issue, but the issues the child has from it will partly (massively imo) depend on how the issue is handled.

In many ways it may be a better situation than that of a child with a father who has adandoned them.

gibson123

OP, I am probably one of the few people who can give you an honest evaluation of this. My OH died when my daughter was tiny, I have literally brought her up since then on my own, I supported both of us, and I have a wonderful well adjusted teenager now. HOWEVER you do need good people around you, I had a wonderful mother (now passed away) and my sister has taken a strong interest in my daughter from an early age, she meets her every week for coffee and my daughter talks over anything she cannot talk to me about. My brother has also been wonderful, he takes her camping and to theme parks, and is just there for dad-hugs and rough play when she was younger. You have to be prepared to let others help bring up your child and have people close enough to care. One advantage of not having an estranged father around is that your decision is final, there are no real arguments or negotiated processes that some of my friends have to go through.

grannybroon

OP, you sound pretty level headed and have obviously thought about this. I would say go for it, better than a child with two parents who may have serious issues with each other. If you have a family support system close at hand and they are willing to help in your child's upbringing then do it when the time feels right.

Who knows, you may meet the love of your life in a year or so and the need to be a single parent no longer applies. It could also be that once you have your child you then meet the love of your life and he embraces life in the future with you and your child.

fluffnutter

DUTR wrote: »

Many people I meet, after a time without asking you can sense they grew up without a father around.

A father is the ideal, but if that's not possible, then how about one (or more) decent male influences? Uncles, close friends, grandfathers? All of these can be a great influence in a child's life.

I do agree that a lack of a father figure can cause a child problems but I'd also hazard that there are other things going on such as social deprivation and poverty generally, a sense of abandonment, bitterness from the mother who's been left by her partner etc. It's not necessarily about being without a father, and most people whose dads died when they were young (for example) won't exhibit problems purely due to a lack of a father figure.

It's about having a stable upbringing with happy, healthy adults around you. And I'm sure the OP would do her best to provide this - in fact more so than many 'ideal' couples purely because she knows what a difficult choice she'd be making.