Choosing to have a baby - solo

Itismehonest

When I read posts like this OP I worry a little because I know the usual thing is for people to dream of motherhood in it's most perfect form.

I was married when I had my child who was born with a congenital condition which took well over a year to diagnose. By that time DH had headed for the hills because of the pressure.

Raising any child alone is not ideal. For most single parents it's hard but, if their child also has problems, it is an incredibly lonely place to be.

It may seem macabre to suggest it but think very hard how you would manage if reality wasn't the perfect scenario you might be imagining & hoping for.

Good luck whatever you decide.

NoLongerLurking_2

All I would have to say is that a baby/child shouldn't compared to wanting the must have whatever.

Maybe I am not understanding you properly, but don't couples all over the world decide to have children because they want to? I feel like the implication is that this decision only legitimate if you have a mate. Perhaps I have been on my own too long but I would have to disagree!

Have you thought about how you are going to conceive this child if you do decide to go it alone? Are you going to a sperm bank or are you going to trick some poor soul into fathering a child? Have you thought about how you are going to explain its parentage to the child when its older.

Lol I know this is a serious subject and I shouldn't laugh, but it genuinely did not occur to me to trick some poor soul into fathering a child! I would go down the sperm bank route.

I read a lovely thing on another thread - an adopted child was told by their parents that they were the one mummy and daddy 'chose specially'. Its easy enough to explain the choice to a child at any age, but yes - explaining the logistics would be more tricky... thanks for the input.

MandM90

sassyblue wrote: »

That above says it all.... There are so many people l now and threads on this board where fathers are not involved in their children's lives and it's heartbreaking for the mums and children .

Yet surely it will be a completely different situation if there is no father present in the first place?

DUTR wrote: »

You are entitled to your view, though modern circumstances for many will disagree, the many people I meet with emotional issues are the ones where Dad was not around for whatever reason

This hasn't been my experience at all yet, as above, I'd say there won't be the same issues of rejection and abandonment as there won't be a father to leave. If anything, there must be something lovely to know your mother wanted you so much she sought out an unusual path in order to conceive you.

My DD (aged 4) has two mummies and a dad and is absolutely thriving by all accounts. She is loved to bits, and is absolutely thriving and very secure in her family dynamics. She often 'boasts' at school about having a second mum - she doesn't mourn the "normal" family dynamic because she has no experience of it.

Of course it will be hard, but when is motherhood ever easy? OP I'd seek out others who have gone through a solo parenting journey and find out there advice. I'm sure there will be some sort of relevant organisation somewhere on the internet who can put you in touch with someone.

Also, have you considered adoption or fostering as an alternative?

Money_maker

A family member wanted this too and had her eggs fertilised. At the time I agreed with her decision as she had no partner. Now I realise that she wanted children for the wrong reason and is very much a cold fish rather than a warm and loving mother.

Are you planning on stopping work so you can enjoy the children you want so very, very much? Do you want to spend every minute of every day with them? Will you farm them out to nursery or family and just catch an hour before and after work with them?

Please consider this very carefully, they are not pets.

DUTR

MandM90 wrote: »

Yet surely it will be a completely different situation if there is no father present in the first place?



This hasn't been my experience at all yet, as above, I'd say there won't be the same issues of rejection and abandonment as there won't be a father to leave. If anything, there must be something lovely to know your mother wanted you so much she sought out an unusual path in order to conceive you.

My DD (aged 4) has two mummies and a dad and is absolutely thriving by all accounts. She is loved to bits, and is absolutely thriving and very secure in her family dynamics. She often 'boasts' at school about having a second mum - she doesn't mourn the "normal" family dynamic because she has no experience of it.

Of course it will be hard, but when is motherhood ever easy? OP I'd seek out others who have gone through a solo parenting journey and find out there advice. I'm sure there will be some sort of relevant organisation somewhere on the internet who can put you in touch with someone.

Also, have you considered adoption or fostering as an alternative?

Many people I meet, after a time without asking you can sense they grew up without a father around.
But a good point you make about fostering though :cool:

VfM4meplse

heretolearn wrote: »

Still, no rush as you say, and you'll be amazed how often Mr Right pops up exactly when you finally give up. :T

That is common lore but not necessarily reality - it hasn't been for me at any rate, desite this being told this time and again.

mountainofdebt

NoLongerLurking wrote: »

Maybe I am not understanding you properly, but don't couples all over the world decide to have children because they want to? I feel like the implication is that this decision only legitimate if you have a mate. Perhaps I have been on my own too long but I would have to disagree!

I understand what you are saying but I can't help feel you are considering your needs before the needs of the child.

(as for the oh won't the child feel even more loved because of the way s/he was conceived -please.....the rose tinted glasses must be hurting)

I'm assuming (but I don't know for sure) that IVF would be involved? Have you any idea how emotional a process that is? I know someone who went through 2 lots of it and by the end I was emotional with her and I am only a casual acquaintance if that makes sense.

Adoption is far more easier to explain to a child but I can't imagine how you'd even go down explaining what you propose.

GobbledyGook

Money_maker wrote: »

A family member wanted this too and had her eggs fertilised. At the time I agreed with her decision as she had no partner. Now I realise that she wanted children for the wrong reason and is very much a cold fish rather than a warm and loving mother.

Are you planning on stopping work so you can enjoy the children you want so very, very much? Do you want to spend every minute of every day with them? Will you farm them out to nursery or family and just catch an hour before and after work with them?

Please consider this very carefully, they are not pets.

What an incredibly harsh way to speak to someone. Many people "farm" their children out to nursery or childminders because they have to work. It doesn't mean the child(ren) have a rubbish life or shouldn't be born.

You don't have to be with your child 24/7 to want them "so very, very much".

GobbledyGook

Explainging to a child that you used to sperm bank isn't going to be any different to explainting to a child that their father disappeared when the pregnancy was discovered or that they were adopted or whatever - how the child will deal with it will entirely depend on how it is handled and how the child's personality develops.

I think the only thing to be hugely different if you are having a child that way is the consideration of what will happen to the child if anything happens to you? When I had mine I knew if I got hit by a bus tomorrow that their father will take them. Do you have family around you? Leaving aside the doomsday scenario do you have any help or support if you were to be ill or in an accident? Doing it on your own just leaves you that wee bit more vulnerable to things if they were to go wrong.

Are you set on sperm bank? Have you considered fostering or adoption?

NoLongerLurking_2

Quite a lively debate going on here! Lots of interesting views, especially about the merits (or not) of the traditional family unit.

Money Maker - what a terrible story about your friend. I can honestly say I think there's nothing sadder than having children just to 'farm them out'. I have friends who were treated like that when they were young, and I know how incredibly damaging it is. This is not about doing what I think society requires of me (obviously!) nor is it a status thing. I envisage taking a complete break for as long as I can, and working part time thereafter. And I don't think there's a person alive that knows me who would call me a cold fish!

Incidentally, would you have asked that question of a couple who were considering having children, and told them 'they are not pets'? Be honest!

Also the point from itsmehonest about unforeseen medical or other difficulties, and how I would cope. Thank you - it's something I have to consider. That must have been exponentially more difficult without your partner around.

Mountainofdebt, you say

I can't help feel you are considering your needs before the needs of the child.

Could you expand on this please? Which needs do you feel I will be unable to fulfil on my own? I realise you are not fully informed of my financial situation, which is stable and comparable to many couples I know... some of whom are considering starting families!

Incidentally re the IVF - how do you feel about single sex couples using alternative means of 'getting pregnant'?