Choosing to have a baby - solo

mountainofdebt

GobbledyGook wrote: »

What an incredibly harsh way to speak to someone. Many people "farm" their children out to nursery or childminders because they have to work. It doesn't mean the child(ren) have a rubbish life or shouldn't be born.

You don't have to be with your child 24/7 to want them "so very, very much".

whilst I agree with you - Junior went to nursery when he was months old and I would still fight tooth and nail for him - I think if you are going to deliberately set out to have a child on your own then your career does have more of an input that it would normally do...even more so if the OP has a job which isn't 9-5 monday - friday or where, for example, there's alot of out of office events that she would be expected to attend.

The point is is that it's not only the child she has to explain the situation to - what about potential partners? She may not be afraid to be alone now but being alone when you're 29 is a lot easier than when you're 49.

NoLongerLurking_2

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I think the only thing to be hugely different if you are having a child that way is the consideration of what will happen to the child if anything happens to you? When I had mine I knew if I got hit by a bus tomorrow that their father will take them. Do you have family around you? Leaving aside the doomsday scenario do you have any help or support if you were to be ill or in an accident? Doing it on your own just leaves you that wee bit more vulnerable to things if they were to go wrong.

Thank you, another excellent and very practical point for me to consider. There's a real and tangible advantage to having two parents in the picture! I do have a very supportive wider family close by, although if something happened to me, there isn't an obvious person or family unit of my own generation (e.g. a sister as opposed to, say my parents) that I would choose to leave my child with.

I hadn't considered before that most of my familial support would be coming from the generation above. Food for thought indeed!

NoLongerLurking_2

I have not addressed the question of fostering or adoption as I had not actually considered it.

Another worthy option suggested by several members - thats exactly why I posted here. Thank you.

balletshoes

I'll put my tuppence worth in - OP when I was first pregnant with my DD, in my early 30s, I had to consider the practicalities of "doing it alone" due to the circumstances DD's dad and I found ourselves in at the time.

I worried about it, but I also knew without a doubt that I could do it, with the help and support of my family (who I knew 100% would help me). I don't mean financially, I mean practically and emotionally.

For the first 2 years of my DD's life, to all intents and purposes on a practical level, it was me and her (with my family's help of course). It worked out fine.

As to your career, in my case it wasn't difficult to arrange full-time nursery etc when my DD was a pre-schooler. However, when she started school at age 4, I reduced my hours at work so I take her to school, and collect her. I've done that for the last 7 years now, and it works well for us.

My sister, in similar circumstances, has been allowed by her employer, to work from home. Would that be a possibility for you?

Be sure this is what you want to do (I'd be saying the same to a couple as well). I love being a Mum and I'm always Mum, I can't imagine (and don't want to imagine) being without my DD. I do honestly think that "Mum balletshoes" thinks before "wife/work/life balletshoes" does. It can take time to find a balance that works for everyone.
I'm probably not explaining myself very well in this last paragraph, so sorry for wittering .

mildred1978

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

Fertillity really drops off in your thirties, so if your urge to have children is strong then I would plan for it sooner rather than later. I got pregnant very easily the first few times, but it took 2 years with my youngest. I was 34 when we started trying for him. And I've just spent the weekend with two women who both waited until their late 30s and found they could not have children as they'd left it too late. One now has twins as the result of IVF but the other does not have children as it didn't work for her.

Or not. I conceived my son at 34 within 2 days of starting to try. If that's "dropped off" then I dread to think how fertile I was in my 20s!


I was out last night with a woman who had her first at 40 and is about to have her second (she's almost 42) without any issues trying whatsoever.

FBaby

Here we go again the judgmental lot coming your about the selfishness of mothers who dare work to support themselves and their kids those same mothers who probably rely on tax credits to what they consider its their right to stay at home to bring up their kids. My parents both work full time and I never felt unloved or neglected. I had a wider social network and enjoyed it. My kids have been to nursery full time then at clubs and always loved it.
What I think its selfish is planning a baby who has little chance of having a father and expecting tax payers to fund it. At 40 when desperate maybe but at 29? There is still plenty of time to give a child the chance to be loved by two parents.

Mojisola

Itismehonest wrote: »

When I read posts like this OP I worry a little because I know the usual thing is for people to dream of motherhood in it's most perfect form.

I was married when I had my child who was born with a congenital condition which took well over a year to diagnose. By that time DH had headed for the hills because of the pressure.

Raising any child alone is not ideal. For most single parents it's hard but, if their child also has problems, it is an incredibly lonely place to be.

It may seem macabre to suggest it but think very hard how you would manage if reality wasn't the perfect scenario you might be imagining & hoping for.

Good luck whatever you decide.

To be able to make a decision about whether it's practical you have to consider all the possibilities. As Itismehonest points out, not all babies are born perfect. Not all pregnancies or deliveries go to plan.

Most do but what help would you have if you had to spend several months before or after the birth in bed? If baby arrived early, could you cope with work and having a baby in special care? Could you cope if you had twins?

POPPYOSCAR

DUTR wrote: »

You are entitled to your view, though modern circumstances for many will disagree, the many people I meet with emotional issues are the ones where Dad was not around for whatever reason

I do not think it is the fact that dad was not around, but more than likely the circumstances surrounding the fact. i.e. waring parents or abandonment issues.

If the father was never there in the first place, I think the child would be fine.

My daughter has a friend who has never met her father and she seems quite well adjusted to me.

NoLongerLurking_2

FBaby wrote: »

What I think its selfish is planning a baby who has little chance of having a father

I must remember to tell my lesbian friends

and expecting tax payers to fund it.

I'm going to take that as a general comment as I have at no point indicated that that is my intention - quite the opposite

At 40 when desperate maybe but at 29? There is still plenty of time to give a child the chance to be loved by two parents.

See OP - I'm not planning to do this now.

Next!

EDIT: apologies if I'm coming across as flippant. Please read the OP properly and be under no illusions - I will not do this if I cannot afford it!

NickyBat

Ok i'll go next:D

Circumstances similar to balletshoes.
I firmly believe it is every woman's right to have a baby but i also think it is not up to the taxpayer to pay for that baby. You seem to more or less have the financial side boxed off, which is good, you also mention you can be part time after baby is born which is also good, what will you do when your child is of school age?. I was lucky enough to be able to change my hours so i work part year. Is that an option for you?