Choosing to have a baby - solo

NoLongerLurking_2

I am 29, single and have recently begun considering whether or not to have a baby by myself if I am not in a relationship by the time I am 'a certain age'. I'm not going into what age as I don't want the discussion to be about that. Needless to say, it is not in the immediate future - I am prepared to wait!

I have a good career, am very independent and have never been afraid to be alone. I have had several relationships in my time and have never settled if it's not right. Combined with being dumped when I have felt it is right (!) = present state of singledom.

I realise no-one is perfect (least of all me) but I have seen enough divorces and unhappy marriages around me to tread carefully when it comes to commitment.

I do, however, have a strong desire to have children (the biggest commitment of all!). I would love to be a mother, I know it would be hard, especially as a single mum but I think if anyone can do it, I can. And I want it so very, very much.

I am earning a good wage at the moment (over £30k), am on the property ladder and would spend the interim years saving and planning. I also have a supportive family unit near where I live, although I would hope not to have to rely on them to make this work.

So - lets assume I don't fall in love and live happily ever after in the next X number of years - any single parents (or couples) out there with an opinion?

j.e.j.

Not a parent, but I'd say you need to balance your needs with the needs of your (future) child. Yes, there are many one-parent families but as a general rule single motherhood is not ideal and maybe not something that should be sought after intentionally.

mountainofdebt

All I would have to say is that a baby/child shouldn't compared to wanting the must have whatever.

Have you thought about how you are going to conceive this child if you do decide to go it alone? Are you going to a sperm bank or are you going to trick some poor soul into fathering a child? Have you thought about how you are going to explain its parentage to the child when its older.

Also I would imagine that having a child, conceived in such circumstances, would put the mockers on any potential relationships.

Unfotunately its not all about what's best for you

DUTR

As above, you cannot have a baby by yourself (nature dictates that) , who knows you may meet a chap that is in desire to start a family too, my GF is 50 career woman own home etc etc, but in the ideal window, never met the ideal man, she has some minor regrets but everything happens for a reason.
I'm sure it will all happen in good time , my daughter's Mum was 36 /37when she gave birth, didn't mean I was hanging around though (yes I pay my CSA) , 29 is still young.

nottslass_2

It sounds as if you've thought about the practicalities and financial implications very thoroughly which is more than can be said for a lot of couples.....

Its the hardest job in the world being a parent and its even harder doing it solo - but that doesn't mean you cant do a great job.

Would you deeply regret not ever having children if Mr Right doesn't come along ? If so, then I'd go for it.As My mum used to say "Never regret the things in life that you do,only regret the things you don't".

sassyblue

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Unfotunately its not all about what's best for you

That above says it all.... There are so many people l now and threads on this board where fathers are not involved in their children's lives and it's heartbreaking for the mums and children .

Having children is the most wonderful thing l'e ever done buts it's also the most frustrating and hardest thing l've ever done, and l can't express it in words which doesn't make sense. :rotfl:

I also have a high pressured job and all l can say is be prepared for things to constantly go t*ts up on you, especially when they're ill, you will need a lot of support around you despite what you may think and plan....

VfM4meplse

My advice is don't leave it too late - it's amazing how fast your thirties fly by! In terms of practicalities, make sure you maximise your earning potential and savings now, as £30k is not that high a salary on which to bring up a child. And make sure that you have a good support structure in place, as you want to be able to return to work if you have to, w/o the worry of reliable childcare.

Also, if you fancy being a surrogate for me, I'm happy to talk expenses .

heretolearn_2

What a difficult dilemma.

Still, no rush as you say, and you'll be amazed how often Mr Right pops up exactly when you finally give up. :T

Yes of course it is best for a child to have two parents. I don't think anyone would disagree with that. But better to be alive and in existence, than not? Yes, the child will miss out by not having a father. Rather like children of widowed parents do. But I would say it's totally different to a child who has a father alive but is prevented from having a relationship with him for whatever reason (dad not interested, dad in prison, parent moved too far away, mum too awkward). That's damaging and hurtful to the child. Simply not having a father at all is no doubt disappointing for the child, but is it really damaging or hurtful? I don't think so.

It'll be hard though. Most single parents DO have the other parent on the scene to some extent. We only hear all the stories and queries on here for example when there is trouble. I think most separated parents sort things out as best as possible for the kids and things tick along ok. I was a single mum with a very involved 'dad'. It was still hard. Unimaginably hard. To do that without another parent involved at all, I simply couldn't have done it. Not by choice.

DUTR

heretolearn wrote: »

What a difficult dilemma.

Still, no rush as you say, and you'll be amazed how often Mr Right pops up exactly when you finally give up. :T

Yes of course it is best for a child to have two parents. I don't think anyone would disagree with that. But better to be alive and in existence, than not? Yes, the child will miss out by not having a father. Rather like children of widowed parents do. But I would say it's totally different to a child who has a father alive but is prevented from having a relationship with him for whatever reason (dad not interested, dad in prison, parent moved too far away, mum too awkward). That's damaging and hurtful to the child. Simply not having a father at all is no doubt disappointing for the child, but is it really damaging or hurtful? I don't think so.

It'll be hard though. Most single parents DO have the other parent on the scene to some extent. We only hear all the stories and queries on here for example when there is trouble. I think most separated parents sort things out as best as possible for the kids and things tick along ok. I was a single mum with a very involved 'dad'. It was still hard. Unimaginably hard. To do that without another parent involved at all, I simply couldn't have done it. Not by choice.

You are entitled to your view, though modern circumstances for many will disagree, the many people I meet with emotional issues are the ones where Dad was not around for whatever reason

*max*

Having a father and him not being involved because of a relationship breakup or just complete indifference is very different from not having a father in the first place. The former may be hurtful because of the sense of abandonment the child may feel. The latter wouldn't carry that emotional weight.

As long as you think it through properly, and all the implications for yourself and the child, I really don't see anything wrong with going it alone.

DevilsAdvocate1

DUTR wrote: »

You are entitled to your view, though modern circumstances for many will disagree, the many people I meet with emotional issues are the ones where Dad was not around for whatever reason

My dad's dad died when he was 6 months old (killed in World War 2), and he is fine. So its not necessarily the case. Interestingly, my mum was brought up without a mum as her died when she was 2. Again, she doesn't seem to have problems related to this.

Fertillity really drops off in your thirties, so if your urge to have children is strong then I would plan for it sooner rather than later. I got pregnant very easily the first few times, but it took 2 years with my youngest. I was 34 when we started trying for him. And I've just spent the weekend with two women who both waited until their late 30s and found they could not have children as they'd left it too late. One now has twins as the result of IVF but the other does not have children as it didn't work for her.

Had I not met someone, then my intention was always to have a child on my own. I had been saving like made and was in the position whereby I could have bought a small terrace house in an okay area outright. However, I met my husband and so we had 3 children together.

Good luck with your plans.